Recently, Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano began erupting big time. 

That story reminds me of the Iceland volcano. Remind that?

Anyhow. for days now Kilauea has been spewing forth molten magma in order to relieve the pressures that have been building up inside it for a long time.

Sounds good to me. (See what I did there?)

That’s what I need about now. I have felt this pressure building within me for a long time and I have nurtured it like I was keeping a fireplace going because I want the only way for the pressure to be relieved is for it to force an eruption.

It’s the only way I will be able to create transformational change within me. And that’s what I need. I need the sort of change that destroys villages and creates new islands. I have spent a long time changing at the ludicrously slow speed of rational thought and it’s time I took this shit nuclear instead.

I am sick and tired of slowly working things out in full compliance with the absurd need for intellectual continuity that I have suffered under for so long.

Like I have said before, and will say again : there is so much more to life than what makes sense. Life is to be lived, after all, not just figured out. Intellectual pleasure is great but it’s not everything. There must be food for the soul, not just food for thought.

I am sloiwly developing my sense of what it means to be alive. What it means to invest in life and let the energies of my own passions drive me forward instead of keeping my passions on a short leash because they might make me do something “stupid”.

And by “stupid” I mean irrational, regrettable, suboptimal, or inconsiderate.

In other words, something human.

And honestly, how much worse can that be than how I live now? If following my passions causes me to tun headfirst into a lot of brick walls, at least I will have learned something from it.

There are worse things in life that being wrong and making mistakes.

I mean, FUCK caution. Fuck safety. Fuck the cowardice that says it is better to do nothing than to risk being hurt.

That’s not the real me. That’s just bullshit. The real me is tough, tenacious, confidently guy who never looks back because he’s having too much fun playing the game.

The real me is cocky to the point of arrogance and has a deep faith in his own amazingness and genius that lets him pick himself up whenever life knocks him down, grin, and throw himself back into the fray because he loves to fight.

The real me would rather be losing the battle than staying on the sidelines.

And the real me is not afraid that the world will break if he unleashes his full powers. I have spent my whole life in fear of my own incredible abilities because I was afraid of hurting people and, on a much deeper level, scared of destroying what fragile sense of reality I had managed to cobble together despite the deep thick walls around my mind.

From that blinkered point of view,  destroying that sense of reality and connection could only lead to the psychological hell of losing track of reality entirely and ending up living my absolute worst nightmare of being lost in my own mind forever.

But that was a previous me, who despite his visionary tendencies could not see past the immediate to a greater truth : that the mind cannot destroy itself via thought and what burning the old reality down to the ground would do is make room for a new and superior reality to arise in its place.

That’s one benefit of shaking myself loose from the shackles of intellectual continuity and what “makes sense”.

It doesn’t matter what “makes sense” in the grand philosophical scheme of things. My life is not a science experiment, nor is it any kind of test.

What matters is what makes sense to me. What works for me.  What makes me happy.  What lets me let the sunshine in.

I am incresingly willing to feel my way through life. My vaunted intelligence is less than worthless when it comes to figuring out how to go to my happy place where I can feel the sun on my bare skin and breath clean, clear, sweet-smelling air for the first time since I got locked up in this fucking cell.

So to hell with the petty restraints of mere logic and sensibility, or at least my previous narrow conception of them. So cold and shallow. Totally unsuited to me needs, too.

Ergo, I declare that I have finally risen from my own grave and joined the world of the living. I am committing to life. No backsies.

In fact, to give it even greater weight, I am promising the universe that I am alive for good, and the universe has every reason to be hurt, disappointed, or feel betrayed if I break my word and let it down.

There. That oughta do it. That’s the strongest spell I know how to cast. I never break my word without enormous justification (like, life or death level justification) and I abhor the thought of ever disappointing someone who was counting on me.

I am going to stride into the future with my eyes on the prize : a happier me. I am through with constantly trying to force myself into the mould of who I think I OUGHT to be or who I think I am SUPPOSED to be.

I don’t even care who I think I want to be any more.

I am going to go about the business of being who I really am, warts and all. I will fashion a life that works around said true self, and fuck absolutely everything else.

Because the truth is that I am a sensitive, arrogant, sweet-natured, hot-tempered, brilliant, hapless, and above all complex person.

But that’s not what is important.

What’s important is that I am a big bright beautiful star ready to bring warmth and life to my sad little ice planet and all the other planets in my system too.

What came before can burn and die.

I’ve just been reborn.

What happened in the stellar nursery don’t mean shit.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.