Today’s topic : my butthole.

Just kidding. I won’t go there…yet.

Lets just say it’s very hungry.

Anyhow, the hole I meant to talk about was the deep dark hole inside me that I hide from the world in and yet constantly try to escape.

Obviously, these factors conflict.

View from another angle, this deep dark hole is the one I just crawled out of, the one that I fall into when I sleep. The one I have to climb out of just to wake up.

Today’s journey is especially rough. my sleep apnea must have been extra bad last night. The heat probably makes it worse.

It sure doesn’t help, that’s for sure.

At least I have stopped taking the Trazodone, for the most part. Once I realized I could sleep fine without it and that, if I did, waking up was not nearly so hard, out it went.

I can’t help but notice from the Wiki article that it is primarily an antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication. Interesting. It is also indicated for insomnia, so using it for sleep is not some kind of crazy off-list use or anything.

And it makes sense to use it on a patient who has a history of depression anyway, so it can’t hurt. And it beats the hell out of the more traditional and very addictive kinds of sleeping pill. Fuck THOSE.

The last thing I need is to add a drug addiction to my list of woes.

As patient readers know, I have a great fear of addiction. That’s because I know, down to my core, without a shadow of a doubt, that I am a prime candidate for it.

Give me something that lets me escape myself and my bad emotions for a while and I will become addicted to it almost immediately.

That’s what happened with Skyrim, and it’s just a fucking video game.

Speaking of video games, that’s my main addiction right now, and that’s because it provides that escape that I crave. When I am wrapped up in playing a video game, time passes easily and I don’t feel worthless or directionless or lost. I don’t feel like I am dying inside. I don’t feel like I am toxic.

In fact, I don’t feel myself (or my self) at all. I am in “the zone'” and un-selfconscious. The games I play and like are the ones that can keep my massive mighty mind occupied. That keeps it from turning on itself.

I guess you could say it keeps my inner demons too busy to torment me.

It would be so nice if I could get the same thing from something productive. And it seems possible on the surface of it, but it isn’t.

Why? Because in order for an actyivity to be productive, it has to have some kind of real-world use, and once the real world is involved, it’s not an escape any more.

In fact, it becomes the opposite of an escape because it makes me feel a lot worse, not better. All kinds of fear of my own flailing inadequacy and morbid uselessness and my fear of the negative judgment of others come into play, I begin to feel exposed and that makes me feel anxious and desperate, the nightmare of infinite possibilities begins, and all hell breaks loose.

That’s the kind of shit lurking in my head that I have to deal with every waking moment of my life. It’s not wonder I need to escape it.

Even though I know that escaping only makes things worse. I wouldn’t have all these demons in my head if I just stayed out of my deep dark hole long enough to deal with them and thus be rid of them.

Escaping is a lot easier, though. And I am all about the easy, more’s the pity.

I feel like there are a lot of people who are addicted to the path of least resistance, like me. People who always take the easy way out regardless of what is in their own best interest. People trapped by their own total lack of self-discipline.

People who waste away in lives they hate because they can’t bring themselves to willingly face, endure, and fight their problems. So much easier to avoid them through one’s chosen forms of escape.

There’s that word again. Easy. I’m beginning to hate that word.

In a way I always have because school was always far too easy for me. Even when I went to university, classes were too easy for me. The subject matter was more interesting, and exams took a lot out of me, but at no point did I feel challenged and forced to up my game.

So I never had to learn self-discipline. You don’t need it when you can ace the test without studying. Without even remembering that there was a test that day.

That must seem so unfair to others. I know it seemed unfair to my poor brother when we were in the same courses at UPEI. He would sweat bullets studying like hell for an exam, including last minute cramming, and I would waltz in with zero preparation and get a higher mark than him.

Well, the joke’s on me, bro. you have a life, I do not. I might have gotten the big brains but you have always been fare more sane, competent, and socially integrated than I could ever hope to be.

I’m not saying  that I would swap.

But I am jealous nontheless.

Fuck this heat. It’s making me even more nonleaner than usual.

I feel hunted right now. Too much escaping, I suppose. Fleeing in all directions at once. I would fele better if I could just calm down, slow down, and sort through my thoughts, but I can’t.

Not until I wear myself out, I guess. And I do that through playing video games, and otherwise occupying my mighty mind.

They are not just my hobby, they are my exercise wheel where I can run and run and run while safely not getting anywhere.

And they are killing me,.

I will talk to yoiu nice people again tomorrow.