I’ve found myself pondering one of my gifts as a communicator. I am not exactly sure what to call it. I have referred to an aspect of it as my charm before, but it’s much more than that. It’s a way of opening up to others, but it’s not openness or honesty or being genuine. It’s almost like a spell I can weave.

So for now, for lack of a better name, we will call it magic mode.

It’s a mode I can go into where I open up inside and express what I need to express from the very depths of my soul. All barriers between me and others disappear and I speak directly to people’s emotional core, human to human, soul to soul.

On my end, it’s an eerie feeling that chills my blood. But it’s not the chill of depression or pain. It is the space-cold chill of perfect clarity, as if the fog has lifted and everything is as clear and bright as the stars on a cold clear winter’s night.

But it is also a beautiful feeling. A wonderful feeling. In this mode, I can share my emotions in their purest form and know they are going out with perfect fidelity, at least for those who can receive it.

So as chill and aloof as this mode can feel, it’s actually the mode in which I am the most real and honest and present.

It is also a mystical mode. I have access to much that is inaccessible to my busy conscious mind with all its chatter. My intuition flows freely in this mode and it is easy for me to listen deeply to that inner voice and voice what it creates.

Most of the time, my persnickety conscious mind gets in the way by insisting that to give this side of me direct access to reality is madness and chaos. After all, it’s entirely unpredictable and acts without the approval of my cautious, suspicious, foul minded conscious rational mind. And that can only end in disaster.

You know what they call people who do what that part of them tells them to do? Crazy people, that’s what!

But there are worse things than being crazy.

Like being unhappy.

So this magical mode of mine does not guide my actions very much. But it does inform my writing at least some of the time. Especially here, on this blog. When I am sharing my deepest stuff with you nice people, it is usually while in this mode because it is in this mode that I can hear my inner voice and express what it wants me to express and then find out what pops up next.

In fact, I am in that mode right now as I write. And I feel the chill in my blood and that eerie quietness, like being in a mall after it’s closed.

It’s clear to me why this unnatural stillness is required before I can open up emotionally. It’s a question of balance. The deep crystalline chill keeps me balanced and “safe” as I bring up deep emotions that otherwise might upset said balance.

It’s a little bit sad that such a measure is necessary, and it is certainly a sign of how deeply over-intellectual I am that the only way I can deal with my suppressed emotions is to freeze my current ones.

This was commented upon in one of my therapy groups. Someone asked why I went to quiet and low-affect I went when I was talking about what I had been through. And at the time I had no idea. It was one of those things that came to me so naturally that I had never even thought about it before.

Now I know. It’s what needs to happen if I am to let the emotions out without “losing control” and doing something “crazy”.

The interesting thing is the effect this mode has on others. It draws them in and holds them spellbound and fascinated. It’s like the magic of it creates this emotional space that people find irresistable.

Perhaps it is the clarity that holds them spellbound. Most people have never been spoken to so clearly in their lives. Or perhaps it is the unusual intimacy that creates and the strange closeness it brings.

Or perhaps its chilling effect stills all the voices in other people’s heads too, and lets them forget themselves for a while.

Whatever it is, I have been on both side of it. I have seen the effect it has when I use it, and I have experienced it from other really good storytellers.

And it’s not always an ice cold confessional. The same thing on a slightly different frequency is my “visionary mode”. That’s when I am talking about something I truly believe in and kind of project that belief out to others.

It makes me a pretty good orator. I have always done well speaking to an audience. And in general, I am quite confident in front of an audience for the same reason.

Which brings up the question of how best to use this ability of mine, this “mode”. I know that it’s a rare and powerful gift and could be used in many ways to both give myself a job and a place in the world and fulfill my deep and desperate desire to help people.

Writing a self-help book springs to mind, and then to parlay that into a career as a public speaker. I could help a lot of people that way. All around me, I see people bound by chains of their own devising. I could help set them free.

Or I could be a political commentator. I have all the necessary skills. I have no idea how to get people to start listening to me, but I am sure I could cook up some insane stunt.

Were I have a religious bent, I would become a preacher. And/or cult leader. I am pretty sure that once I have people hanging on my every word, the temptation to use that power for my own gratification would be too much for me to bear.

And I am sure there are many other applications for my powers.

But all of that has to wait for me to become sane enough to try.

And god damn, am I sick of that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.