I think it’s time I moved on.

The subject cqame up in therapy today. My therapist asked me what I thought would help me to feel better, and I thought about it, then said “a change of environment.”.

It just came to me. And the moment I said it, I knew it was true and that I could no longer dodge the subject, like I had done before.

I need a change of environment. I need pastures anew. I need to go someplace where I can start over with a clean slate and remake myself. Someplace where I am free of past contexts and can find out who I really am.

And that means moving out of my current situation. And that means leaving Joe and Julian. And that’s a pretty big deal.

They have done so much for me and I would hate to seem ungrateful. But I have ot do what it best for myself, and right now, that means moving on.

Now obviously, it’s not going to happen tomorrow. It will take a long time to figure out where I want to live and find a place and move and all that jazz.

But I gotta do it. That’s super clear to me now. It’s time to move on and figure out how to be myself, by myself, with nobody to do things for me and therefore nobody to be dependent on and therefore nobody to feel like a burden on.

It will do me worlds of good to finally live on my own. Somewhere closer to the action. Some nice quiet neighborhood with lots of trees and families and suburban appeal.

Someplace like the neighborhood I grew up in, in other words.

And I want to live in a house again. Admittedly, that conflicts with the idea of living alone because it’s not like there are a lot of houses for rent that I can afford.

Certainly not with the real estate market going manic psychotic right now.

But even without that. I could do maybe a maximum of around $700/month in rent, and that would be really stretching things.

And I am pretty sure they don’t make houses that small. As nice as that would be.

Oh, and Felicity, Julian, don’t worry, I won’t leave your life entirely. I will still be available for our usual kind of hanging out.

It’s a change of living arrangement and that’s it.

But I have to go. I need to find someplace I can truly call my own. Someplace where everything is something I bought and I can arrange it however I like and and thus figure out what kind of environment best suits me.

And I need to be around people who are healthier than I am. I love my friends but we are all kind of broken and I think I need to be around people I can learn from. People who are healthy and strong and engaged with life.

Not totally sure how I would arrange that, but I will figure something out.

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And here it is, eight hours later, and I dunno about the whole moving thing. The enthusiasm has faded and with it, the certainty.

But I am tired right now, and therefore not keen on anything that sounds like work. I will see how I feel about the whole idea once I am well rested and alert.

I’ve been pretty sleepy today. Must be time to settled up on all that sleep debt. I feel like I need a long nap just to build up the energy to be sleepy.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a week.

But I know that this, too, is transitory. At some point I will catch up on sleep and come out of that particular fog and get to something like a decent waking state.

Inasmuch as I ever do, I suppose.

I have spoken here before about how when I fall back into the bad habit of not bothering to get dressed if I am not going anywhere, the line between being asleep and being awake can get mighty fine.

In general, that’s the case with my life even with the clothes on. When I am alone in my room, which is most of the time, my state of consciousness is rather blurry around the edges and soft in the middle.

How could it not be? I spend so little time in reality, mentally speaking. I am always wrapped up in the world inside my computer.  Even as I type this, I am filtering out 99 percent of sensory input, making this computer the core of my subjective reality.

And I like that. I like escaping into the computer. When I am absorbed by what I am doing on the computer, my mind is too busy to let things like depression and anxiety in, and I feel safely removed from the reality that I fear.

And yup, that’s bad for me. That is an undisputed fact. If I could stand to spend more time dealing with reality, I could improve my real life to the point where I would not have such a strong need to escape.

Assuming that is possible. The virtual world will always be easier to deal with than the real world because it is less physically stimulating and way easier to control.

So it might be that even if I had the life of my dreams, I would still be tempted to retreat into my computer in one way or another.

It’s kind of like an addiction in that you might recover from it but it never entirely goes away. I will always know there is a solution to life’s complications. One that is terrible for me in the long run, but so very very easy in the short run.

If I am to escape my cage, then, I will need to stand up to that evil voice of sloth, ennui, and apathy in my head and tell it that I Want to get shit done. Period.

But I still have all this sadness inside.

And it keeps getting in the way,.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.