, what if I actually slowed down enough to write down the dialogue I write in my head? Guess it would go something like this.
They’d almost made it out the door of the Forest Pines Bar and Grill (“Let us cater your next barbecue!”) when Ernie’s voice froze them dead in their tracks,.
“Well hey there fellas. ” said Ernie, all casual and friendly like. “And just where are you boys going all dressed up like you was G. I. Joe?”
Roy and the Boys (Alvie, the Nickle, Big Steve, and Bobby the Bone) looked at each other then down at their camo outfits and “tactical” gear like this was the first time they had seen it in their lives.
“Oh that’s right!” Ernie said, smacking himself on the head and making a big deal of it. “You boys are off to save America from the gays and the black folk and the women, right? You boys still think the real problem in America is most of the people in it, right?”
“Whatever you say, Ernie. ” said Alvie.
“Thanks, Alvie. ” said Ernie. “That’s right, you “Freedom Armed MIlitia” boys are the last line of defense against the liberal hordes that are sure to be descending on our peaceful little town oh, any minute now, ain’t that right boys? ”
Rufus, Ernie’s boyfriend (“He’s not my boyfriend, he’s just a guy I fuck”) and laugh track, guffawed heartily at that.
“Well I sure do appreciate you boys savin’ American for all us sheeple every weekend. ” said Ernie. “That’s quite the important job you got there. I am sure that, seeing as the fate of the free world is on the line, you boys must spend all weekend doin’ nothing but training, exercising, drilling, prepping, and doing everything else you can in order to be ready for when Uncle Sam comes for your guns, right?”
“Jesus Christ, Ernie. ” said Roy.
Ernie ignored him, which is probably just as well. “I mean, with all them big black dicks and raging pedophiles coming to ravage this fair town of hours, I am sure dedicated patriots like you wouldn’t even dream of spending time fishing, or hunting, or just sitting around shooting the shit. ”
Ernie grinned wide. “Why, I bet when you real Americans go out there, you’re so busy saving the world that you don’t… even.. drink. ”
Rufus knew his cue and laughed hard at that one. Nobody else did, because by that point, all the other patrons had left.
“Because if all that weren’t true, then you and your ‘militia’ would just be another bunch of idiots who like to get drunk in the woods, wouldn’t you? Except most of them are smart enough to know they’re just a bunch of dumb rednecks who ain’t gonna save the world from jack shit. ”
Rufus was beside himself now. The Boys just kind of looked down at their feet, not looking Ernie in the eye. Waiting for permission to leave. LIke usual.
But just as Ernie was turning away, all five feet of the Nickel spoke up.
“Now you listen here, you asshole…. ” said the Nickel.
“Don’t. It’s not worth it. ” said Big Steve.
“Oh, this ought to be good. ” said Ernie as he gave Rufus a nudge.
“…first off, everyone in town knows you can only talk to people like that ’cause your Dad owns this place and it’s the only bar in town. So don’t go pretending like you’re some kind of big man. You’re just an overgrown spoiled brat with a big mouth. Got it?”
Rufus looked at Ernie in confusion. But Ernie just smiled and said “True. ”
“… and yeah, maybe me and the Boys spend more time drinking and shooting the shit than we do training out there. but that’s still a fuck of a lot more than you’ve ever done with your life. ”
Rufus looked like he was gonna shit himself sideways out of confusion as Ernie’s smile got even wider. “Hell yeah and amen. ”
“…and yeah, maybe the federal government ain’t coming to take our guns… ”
“Not with your boy in the White House. ” said Ernie.
The Nickel didn’t know how to reply to that, so he just kept going. “…but a lot of good people aren’t happy about what is going on in this country, and if we make just one of them sleep a little better at night, well then, it’s all worth it., ”
Rufus stared at Ernie so hard his eyes bugged out.
Ernie got up, down the rest of his beer, slammed the mug down, and said “FINALLY. ”
“Finally, one of you dumb motherfuckers decided to crawl up out of the mud and call me on all my bullshit. That’s all I ever wanted. I have been sitting in this pub and trying to get a rise out of you hillbillies for years, and it has finally paid off. ”
Smiling like a saint, Ernie clapped the Nickel on the shoulder and said “Words cannot describe how happy you have made me tonight, Nickel. In fact…. why don’t all you boys come join me at the bar tonight. Drinks are on me. ”
The Boys looked at Roy. Roy looked at the Nickel. The Nickel made a show of thinking it over real good.
“Well…. ” said the Nickel. “That’s a mighty interesting offer. Most fellas would jump at the chance to drink all night for free. But I am certain that I am speaking for all us Boys when I say this to you. ”
And then the Nickel got up all nice and close to Ernie, who wasn’t much taller, and when they were almost nose to nose, the Nickel said “FUCK. YOU. ”
And with that, Roy and the Boys turned and left the bar.
And Ernie just say there, smiling, and said, “Anyone know if the Nickel is, you know… seeing any body?”
Then he looked at Rufus, whose whole world was crumbling.
“And what the fuck are you looking at? ” he said to Rufus.
And somewhere in the distance, a big rid blew its brakes.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.