It’s tiring. But rewarding.
I think I am beginning to get the hang of this believing in myself thing. The secret, I am discovering, is to attenuate the rising self worth so that it comes through not as pressure or guilt or any of the other broken and malapaptive responses I have had before.
Instead, it comes through as excitement. Possibilities. Things I can do, but don’t necessarily have to do like it’s some kind of moral obligation and I am a bad person if I don’t got do it RIGHT NOW.
Because as patient readers know, that shit don’t work. Guilt, pressure, obligation, whatever form the punitive measure takes, all it does is destroy my will to do anything and put me in that state of hopelessness I know all too well.
The sad truth is there is a kind of comfort in hopelessness. If there is no hope, then you don’t have to do anything and you are justified in shutting out the world.
I typed that as “shitting out the world” the first time. That’s Marvin Crackbaby talking.
I’ve written before about the meaning of despair. Its biological purpose is to be a mode where an injured animal stops wanting to move around and goes into a mode that places the least physical demands on the body and hence lets the body devote the maximum amount of its resources to healing.
Well the thing is that the lassitude and pain-blocking can be quite comforting and even addictive to the wounded soul. Especially one as wounded as mind.
Depression happens when the psychological wound(s) are too big for the mind to heal and therefore the mind gets locked into this despair mode.
It is really as simple as that.
Anyhow, back to what I meant to talk about. Seeing my talents as an open doorway leading to exciting and fun things is way, WAY better for my mental health. It makes me feel lucky instead of guilty and excited about life instead of terrified of it.
This is especially true because I am not putting any pressure on myself to do any thing in particular. I am not interested in forcing myself into anything, even if it is good for me. What is achieved by force disappears once that force is removed. Sooner or later, I would fall back into despoair mode just to take a rest.
No, what this is about is opening my mind to possibilities outside my current life. And that’s all they are : possibilities. Options. New fun things I could be doing instead of the usual fun things I do.
Again, with no pressure. I am opening the door to my cage. That’s all. It is still up to me to decide whether to take a peek outside the cage and look around or not.
Basically, I have to handle myself like I am a very nervous and scared animal.
Which is what I am. When you get right down to it. Sorta kinda.
If I set my mind correctly, things look pretty great.
Here I am, this massively gifted individual who has so much to offer the world that he has trouble deciding which gifts to go with.
As problems go, that’s a pretty good one to have!
Plus I am internet savvy enough to know that there is so much opportunity out there these days in the gig economy for someone like me to exploit. I could shine in a dozen different fields and not even break a sweat. I have everything I need for success.
And, he tells himself, that is not, as you might think, something scary.
Yeah it’s hard to choose. But only if you are obsessed with finding the “right” answer and you view life as an infinite corridor with infinite doors, only one of which is correct.
That’s bullshit and I know it. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Almost all of that corridor and every one of those is an illusion created by the funhouse mirrors in my mind that reflect the same image over and over.
That’s just one of depression’s little tricks. And it only works if you believe its lies.
My possibilities are quite finite, thank you kindly. There’s a lot of them, but not an unmanagable amount. It can be done!
And what’s more important is to keep the fact that there is no such thing as a single “right” answer firmly in mind. There’s tons of right answers. And it’s not like I only get one shot and if I pick the wrong thing, that’s it, my life is over.
I will have plenty of opportunities to try this that and the other. All I have to do is keep trying. The tickets for this lottery are free, so why not keep playing?
Doesn’t that sound exciting and fun and a great way to spend my time? Almost as much fun as video games, and way more fulfilling.
There is no reason in the world why I can’t treat the whole issue of being paid for labour as a great big game with fabulous cash prizes and nowhere to go but up.
Fuck taking things seriously. I have tried it and it did not work out. Time to give treating life with a comedic disregard for solemnity a try.
Fuck outcomes, too. That’s a pretty radical thing for a pragmatic utilitarian like me to say, but the problem is that outcomes are not always controllable, but how you deal with things always is.
That’s why the best life strategy is to simply concentrate on being yourself. That way, you are not emotionally investing in controlling outcomes. You are instead emotionally investing in yourself, and that is something you can control.
And the more you invest in yourself, the stronger and more capable you become, and the less those outcomes matter because hey, guess what…. you’re happy!
And that was the point of the whole thing in the first place, right? Finding that door that leads to happiness?
And if you are happy, what else could possibly matter?
And all you (I) gotta do is cross that bridge between me and life and walk out that door that I have been looking at for so long and start a new day.
And have fun doing it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.