Still fine tuning this whole “I’m always awesome” thing.

The fear keeps coming back. The fear of choosing from all the possibilities in my head. The fear of getting into something I can’t get out of if I start freaking out. The fear of creating expectations in peoples minds that I can’t live up to. The fear of getting into a situation that requires a constant input of energy when mine is intermittent at best.

The fear of change.

The fear of the unknown.

And biggest of all, the fear of growing up.

But that’s all to be expected. All that fear is just the existing systems resisting change. I have been a very scared person ruled by fear for a very long time. This self-worth thing is brand new. It’s bound to be incompatible with the legacy systems.

The secret is to just keep pushing. Nothing can stop me now. However long it takes, I will grind my way through all my obstacles and reach the real world and finally be a full and valid person and not just a partial portrait of a potential genius.

And if all the old fears keep getting in the way,. they will just plain have to go.

I think, on some level. depression makes you cling to your fears. After all. as horrible as it is to have a panic attack and as soul-crushing as a life made far too small by anxiety can be, those fears also protect the depressive from having to deal with the real world by throwing up a big wall of fear any time depression’s reign is even questioned.

It’s like what I have talked about regarding excuses. Only more so. The thing about fear and the other kinds of negative emotions that depression uses to enforce its dominence is that they take advantage of a kind of loophole in the human meta-consciousness that causes us to trust negative emotions more than positive ones.

After all, a negative emotional response immediately bypasses the first filter of meta-consciousness, which is “am I just doing this to make myself happy?”.

Well obviously not, because it’s making me UNhappy. So it must be legit!

It takes a particularly robust meta-conscious mind – like mine – to be able to look past the immediate emotional response and think, “yes, but what does this reaction ACCOMPLISH? What is really happening hear?”.

And the answer is that depression is getting its way because while you are scared out of your freaking mind, the last thing you looking to do is challenge depression’s rule. In fact, in the future, you will be even less likely to struggle against your depression precisely because of how this fear response punished you for it.

And the more important thing is that the larger fear stimulus – the fear of change and the unknown – goes away. The negative emotion swamps it out. It floods your mind and pushes out whatever thing was making your depression feel threatened.

So on one level, you are terrified.

But on another, you are relieved. At least you are “safe” now. Safe from having to face that yawning existential void called “facing reality”. Safe from having to grow up. Safe from exposure to the cold harsh world.

Safety in you tiny little prison cell.

Fuck that. Fuck my fears. I am not going to let them run my life any more. In fact, I am not even going to fight them any more.

Instead, I am going to invite them in for drinks and ask them what they are trying to ttell me and what all they feel the need to say.

The rest of their energy and power can arc across the sky of my mind like lightning – and to the same effect.

I just don’t give a shit any more. Beat me, hurt me, call me names. Cause me pain. Make me lame. It means nothing to me any more. No matter the consequences. I remain in control of myself and I am more powerful than any transient emotion can ever hope to restrain.

The worst depression’s enforcers can do to me is make me wait out the storm.

And when the sky is clear again, I will continue on my journey without pausing or looking back, because where I am going is so much more important than where I have been. And even more important than where I am going is THAT I am going.

Forward. Always moving forward. Eternal momentum. Remember that.

So hello, fear, my old friend. You and I have been through a lot together, haven’t we? And I could say that it is all your fault that I am 45 years old and lost at sea without having even gotten a start in life, and that would be mostly true, but…

It’s also true that I chose to listen to you. I accept that now. I accept that because that is the price I have to pay in order to have the power to choose to ignore you now.

You were there for a reason. In your own crazy way, you were protecting me. That is what fear is for, after all. Keeping you out of danger.

But now I am done with you. You got too big and too strong and started attacking me like some kind of autoimmune disorder. And now I am shoving you side so that I can finally get on with my life.

I know I womn’t shake you right away. In fact, I am pretty sure you will be with me for a long long time. I have no delusions of a fear free life.

The only difference will be that I am not letting you call all the shots any more. I am going to strengthen my will and my spirit and my wherewithal to the point there pushing you aside is so easy it’s not even a thing any more, and then you will wither on the vine, dry up, and blow away, because I am not feeding you any more.

So thanks for the help, fear.

Now get the fuck out. 

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.