Feeling a lot better today. Still feeling pretty messed up physically, but at least my mood has improved, and that’s a good thing.

Physically, I feel extremely sluggish. Like part of me is trying to hibernate. I feel like I could sleep for a week. Any part of me that gets more than a tiny bit of pressure starts to fall asleep all on its own, and I feel like following it.

but my mood is good. I feel fairly content. It’s the happy kind of sleepy, where I feel languid and relaxed and pleasantly lazy. Things don’t seem as bad to me today as they did yesterday. I don’t feel as tense about things.

In fact, I am dangerously close to a ‘thing will unfold as they should’ kind of mood, and that’s pretty rare for me.

But enough of that. Here’s the update :

Last night, after having my card decline when trying to pay for my Denny’s, I checked my balance online and quickly discovered the reason : there was only $3.13 there!

Gasp! That was quite the shock, as to my mind there should have been around $90 there. Had I been cyber-robbed?

Technically no. My Amazon Prime had auto-renewed, and whaddaya know, that costs around $88 a year.

Totally worth it, IMHO. Next day shipping on damn near everything?

I just can’t afford it right now.

And this was the moment of destiny, because I could either have gotten super depressed and then closed the tab and buried myself in my distractions to escape it and thus tacitly accepted my fate, OR I could spring into action to fix the situation.

And hooray, I bucked the current trend and sprang into action. Maybe the fact that it was about my money that gave me the motivation – I don’t know.

I got on the Amazon.ca website, dug up their online chat help type thingy, and asked very nicely for them to cancel my Prime and refund me. And they did!

Well, technically, they are going to. There’s a whole “this transaction will (mysteriously) take three to five days” nonsense that we still have to put up with for some reason.

I mean seriously, WTF is up with that?

But the point is that I got it done. I didn’t passively suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. I by opposing ended them!

If I hadn’t been in the middle of a five week month and thus quite in need of cash reserves, I might have let it slide. That’s how I ended up having Prime for a year in the first place. I had signed up for the free trial month and, of course, then totally forgotten about it and the trial period elapsed without me canceling, and as per out agreement, boom, I bought me some Prime.

Presumably, in the August of 2017, I was not feeling so financially stressed, so I said fuck it and let it slide.

But this is 2018 and so that shit had to be fixed. Still, should I become more prosperous, I will totally get Prime again.

I mean, that shit’s addictive.

And then, this afternoon, I actually managed to get my GP’s office on the phone and made an appointment for Wednesday at 2:30. Thus, my medication crisis is over an I will soon be back to full compliance.

I’m going to have a talk with them about why nobody answered the phone for two weeks, but whatever. Problem solved.

And now I feel a lot better. Two problems solved instead of ignored. Good for me!

Now the question is : was I able to get those things done because I felt better, or do I feel better because I got those things done?

Probably a little of both, but mostly the latter. The financial crisis nature of my Amazon problem gave me the impetus to take action on it, and that opened the door to my giving my doctor’s office another try, and that led to my feeling a lot better because my worries about not having all my meds had been relieved.

Next up : figuring out WTF is up with my 711 rewards card, then taking another try at getting my taxes done so I can start getting GST checks again.

There should be two of them in the system somewhere right now, the one from April and the one from July. That, plus the standard $75 the government gives us poor folks to bribe us into doing out taxes should add up to somewhere between $200-$300.

Which will be nice. Not nice enough to get what I really want, but still, nice.

What I really want is to visit home. I want to go back to good ol Summerside Prince Edward Island for a little while.

My mother is in her 70s now and so I don’t know how much longer she will be around and I absolutely must get to see her before she passes. I love her so much.

And I have this image in my mind – I think I may have described it in this spot before. The image is of me as a child crying out to my mother, who is walking away from me. And what I am saying is “No! Don’t go! Don’t leave without me!”.

Very powerful stuff, given my lifelong fear of being left behind and that this is my mother we are talking about. It terrifies me.

But on another level, I am thinking about how good it is that there are still some things powerful enough to penetrate my inner chill so that I can feel something.

I have talked before how when you are numb, feeling absolutely anything can be a joy, even if it is painful. The body knows what it supposed to be there and aches for the stimulus that is missing.

And that’s truly of the mind as well. That’s what makes isolation so painful. It’s not merely a lack of an expected pleasure, namely the pleasure of socialization.

It’s that deep dark feeling of wrongness that screams silently for what it knows should be there in the minds of depressives and all other amputees.

Some day, I will break that chill around my heart for good.

But for now, I am just glad that there are some things that provoke an emotional reaction strong enough to make it through.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.