It’s been a while since I made you uncomfortable by talking candidly about something sexual, and tonight I plan to fix that.

Tonight’s jumping-off point : the penis. Specifically, the mysterious male urge to whip it out and give it a wiggle in highly inappropriate situations.

What got me onto the topic (besides being a pathetically horny gay man who thinks about cocks all the time{{1]}) was watching the latest #metoo takedown. that of CBS CEO Les Moonves, on the Colbert show.

Amogst this jizz monkey’s many crimes was listed the ol ‘sudden penis’ gambit, where he porker in question whips out their dingle dongle as a kind of fun surprise for the person they are, in theory, trying to woo and\or screw.

It might be via a bathrobe that ‘accidentally’ falls open, or a ‘hey could you get me that thing from the other room? Hey, look who came out to play when you were gone?” or even just flat out walking into their office naked and ready to go, but essentually it’s all the same deal : sudden out of contect penis popping up like it’s the Jack in the world’s most inappropriate jack-in-the-box.

And the thing is, this behaviour comes out in literally every sexual harassment case. Throw in the very modern practice of unsolicited dick pics and the extremely ancient practice of being a flasher ^[2] and it is clear that, somewhere in the male mind lurks some kind of genital display urge and it is only due to social programming that most of us dudes don’t do it.

Thank god for social programming, eh ladies? I mean, I’m a pathetically horny gay man who thinks about cocks all the time{{1]}, and even I don’t want them suddenly intruding into my life with all the subtlety of an elephant fart.

Now to me, there is clearly something juvenile going on. Infantile, even. It really seems like a childish thing to do, as if it comes from a child’s extremely simple idea of what love and sex is about.

That’s why you only see it in certain situations. Like a lot of regressive behaviours, it takes something going fairly wrong in the mind to bring it out, whether it’s the anonymity of cell phones, a sexual trauama in the past preventing healthy sexual expression, or the strange things that emerge when a person feels the rush of power over others and some primitive part of the brain tells them that means these people are here for sexing.

The most obvious question about this phenomenon is why? Why do the men do it? What do they hope to achieve by it?

That’s the most natural thing to wonder but it is the wrong question, and I think the flashers point the way (so to speak) here.

The act of suddenly asking people to shake hands with Flipper does not need a purpose. It clearly satisfies unto itself. That guy who sends unsolicited dick pics does not think he will meet the woman of his dreams (or creams) this way. All that is necessary is that the pic be seen. That’s satisfaction enough.

It is as if for the flasher or dick pitcher, this IS the sex they want. Someone saw their penis and that was all they needed.

In that sense. it’s like a very mild form of rape. The cock wiggler has their version of sex with you without your consent and in a way that you could not resist or deny.

I think that’s why it makes people feel violated. It is, in a sense, a forced intimacy, with all the baggage that implies.

The case of the powerful man is more complex because clearly, this guy DOES want real genital-kissing type sex with the person. And in that context. the action is socially insane. Nobody in their right mind could possibly think that whipping it out could ever lead to happy fun sexytimes with the person.

Again, something has to go seriously wrong in the mind for this age regressive response to even emerge.  In this case, it seems to me like the unclassified ungulate in question is trying to skip all the preliminaries and go right to the sex but in the most hopelessly pathetic way possible.

I bet if you asked the perpetrators themselves if they thought that a suddenly showing of My Fair Penis would lead to sex, they would say ‘Um, well… I guess not. ”

So maybe, like the other two forms of dickie danglers, they got what this odd urge wanted and so, in that sense, they actually DID go directly to the sex. It’s just the very sad and immature form of sex that the flashers and dick pickers get.

Evolutionarily, it makes no sense. And trust me, like any other student of Desmond Morris, I am really good at explaining things via evolutionary psychology.

So I am forced to go back to child psychology. It must be that, at some point in the early childhood development of every male human, there is a period where we discover our penis and the wonders it contains and we are super happy about it and amazed and excited about having such a thing and therefore get the urge to show it to someone just like we show people other things we’re excited about.

I don’t remember such a phase for myself, but that might be because it happens too early in development for memories to form for most men.

But I can imagine that, given the right circumstances, what with newly discovered sexual feelings in the air and the potential negative reactions to this amazing discovery, it is possible that a portion of the boy’s sexuality gets fixated there.

It’s a theory, at least. I am not happy with it, but it’s the best I have so far. Hopefully now that I have gotten these thoughts out of my head, new stronger thoughts will take their place and I will produce something more coherent.

And those are tonight’s thoughts on sudden penis syndrome.

And remember that, whether you agreed with them or not, I got what I wanted out of writing them when you read them.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

 

 

 

[[1]] And buttholes! Mmmm…. buttholes. [[1]]