So here’s the update on my life.

Today has been busy. Had therapy at 12:30 pm. Fairly average session. Told him all about that thing I wrote and how I cried my eyes out writing it, much to my surprise.

It was intense. I’m glad it happened, because clearly I needed a good cry.

Heck, with how emotionally congested I am, I could probably use ten more just like it.

But I am still a little disappointed that I don’t really feel any different afterwards. Then again, I still haven’t caught up on sleep. So we will see.

I told my therapist that I am going back on the Trazadone. I was foolish to go off it, really. I thought I didn’t need it any more but the evidence is clear : I haven’t gotten more than 2.25 hours of sleep in a row for at least a week, maybe more.

And that’s very bad. Lack of sleep fucks up every single system in your body. You need good, deep sleep[ in order for your body to do very important maintenance work. If it can’t, things begin to unravel pretty damn quick.

And as with other periods of hyposomnia, it is accompanied by a deep yet subtle cold feeling in my mind that feels as if my brain is suspended in ice so pure that it is invisible.

And that makes it easy to pretend it isn’t there. You could even imagine that everything is fine because you’re not in any profound pain and your thinking is crystal clear.

But deep down you can feel the cold biting at the flesh of your soul and a teeny tiny voice is screaming from the pain from very far away.

So I know the gig is up and I had better get some decent sleep soon or I am going to just plain collapse any minute now as my instincts wrestle the wheel away from my stupid dum-dum conscious mind and go straight for what I need.

It’s good that I have that capacity. Makes me feel a little more secure. Because I know how crazy and stupid and self-neglectful I can be and how my very strong ability to suppress my own emotions can lead me down a very dark path where I ignore all the signs that something is seriously wrong.

I’m like Paf the fox not telling anyone how sick he is and slowly falling apart as a result. That might seem crazy to some people – and it is – but it makes perfect sense to me.

It’s kind of part of my otherworldliness. ^[1] I am not quite of this Earth, metaphorically speaking, and so I go wrong in ways that seem downright alien to others.

There have been times when I was sick and nobody knew until it got really bad because I was too scared and shy to tell anyone about it.

That has to be pretty scary to whoever is taking care of me. They can’t trust the usual systems to warn them that I need help.

Imagine dying of shyness. My tombstone would read, “I didn’t want to interrupt. ”

And looked at objectively, that’s goddamned creepy. It makes me feel like I was born with important safety features missing. It’s the sort of thing that shouldn’t even be possible. And yet, here I am.

Well, things grow strange in the dark.

What else… oh, after therapy I had an appointment with my GP to get my next Vitamin B12 shot. Have I told you about that? Short version : my bloodwork showed zero B12, or at least, too little to measure.

And that’s like….. bad.

And apparently. when levels are that low in someone who gets plenty of animal protein in their diet. the problem is almost always a problem with absorbing the stuff from the meat I eat.

That means there is no point in taking a supplement or upping my carnivory because my body won’t absorb it via digestion at all.

The only cure, then, is to inject the b12 directly into my bloodstream. Luckily, the amounts you need are quite small and you go through it quite slowly. so once a healthy level has been built up, you only need to top it up every three months or so.

I am not there yet. So I had to go see my GP.

My appointment was at 2:15 pm. He didn’t see me until 3:10 pm. Almost an hour late. I told him about it and he was. of course, totally shocked and apologetic.

Fat lot of good that does me. It’s not like that will keep it from happening again.

Oh, did I mention that Joe dropped me off for my appointment at around 1:45 pm? So I had already waited half an hour before my appointment time. And I was extremely sleepy and I had forgotten to eat lunch before I left so my blood sugar was crashing in slow motion while I waited.

God damn it, how do I keep ending up in these situations? Where I am too tired to be able to think properly and hence quite miserable, even aside from the ticking time bomb that is my blood sugar crashing.

At 3 pm. I got up and went to the receptionist with the full intention of telling her I could not wait any longer and I was leaving.

And I am proud of myself for sticking up for myself and setting boundaries, especially considering the extremely bad mental state I was in.

But the receptionist told me I was next in line. So I very reluctantly sat back down and hoped like hell my blood sugar would hold out.

About ten minutes later, I’d had my shot. And I must admit. I do feel better. I feel warmer and stronger and more alive. My body is happy to fibnally get its b12.

But the whole thing fucked up my blood sugar. So I will have to fix THAT now.

It never ends.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.