That’s not actually what I want to talk about tonight, but the phrase just popped into my head and I think it sounds pretty cool so I thought I should record it here.
Truth is, I just woke up from a nap and my mind is pretty blank. I really need to stop falling asleep in the mid-afternoon because then I end up falling asleep when it’s light out and waking up when it’s dark, and that really confuses and disorients me.
And I have enough confusion and disorientation in my life as is. In fact, a lot of the time it feels like chaotic confusion is my natural state and any clarity and stability I have in my mind is the result of a titanic battle with the forces of pandemonium.
It’s like I force myself to be sane by sheer force of will. Sheesh.
No wonder I am so tired all the time!
Right now, I feel unpleasantly floaty, and the room is doing that disturbing thing where it spins very, very slowly around me, speeding up a little when I move my head.
This is a good indication that my sinuses are backed up to the point where it is messing with my inner ear and its delicate balance organs.
Goddamned vertigo. You know I hate it.
Plus there are the usual after effects of smothering in my sleep, affectionately known as sleep apnea. That makes me dizzy too, but in a different way. It also makes me feel like I have been squashed flat like a cartoon character under a steamroller and that I am only just now getting around to slowly reinflating myself.
My life can be really fucking unpleasant sometimes. Ya know? It’s like I live inside a torture chamber that only I can see.
My sleep has been even more disorganized than usual lately. To the point of practically being random. I didn’t get any sleep between midnight and noon today. First I ended up hanging out online with this furry named Luke online till like 9 am, then when I finally went to bed I found I could not sleep a wink.
So I have had maybe four hours of sleep in the last 24. This obviously puts me way behind on sleep and it is definitely going to catch up with me soon.
In fact, the moment I am done blogging, I am going to go back to sleep. I slept through a large chunk of the afternoon and it looks like I will sleep for a big piece of the evening as well. And that’s not good.
My circadian cha-cha is all randomized and my body is terribly confused and that causes a lot of stress and strain on the bodily systems. I would be a lot better off if I followed something like a standard human timetable instead of living nap to nap and never getting any truly deep sleep.
That means it is time to do the one thing I can do to force my system to sleep when it should and that is to take one of my goddamned sleeping pills.
In fact, in retrospect, it is just this kind of sleep chaos that made me want to get sleeping pills in the first place. I was having trouble staying asleep for more than 2 hours and that is very much not good.
You don’t get nearly enough high intensity REM time that way, and what do you know, you end up disoriented, confused, and unhealthy.
And here I am in that same mental state again. Damn it. I wish I had realized this before now but I think I was enjoying abusing sleep to escape stress again too much.
Well fuck that. I need a serious course correction and I need it ASAP. So sometime soon I got to make with the Quetiapine.
And keep it up at least ubntil I develop some kind of regular sleep pattern. Something I can live with, instead of the current state of being totally fucked up.
Dammit, now I have upset myself so much that I need to lay down.
Right, so as I was saying, I need to stop using sleep to regulate mood.
Oh wait, that was in a dream. Never mind.
Kidding aside, I really did need to take a break because I was working myself into a state. Specifically, Idaho. Without that break I probably would have made myself quite sick as I had the worst kind of panic attack in my little world, the kind that comes with nausea and cramping from my “nervous stomach”, aka my IBS.
As is, when I woke up, I immediately needed to defecate and it was not a pleasant trip. Strange things happen in my colon when it is upset and one never knows how everything will go.
So to speak.
That means that now,. in addition to my post-sleep symptoms I can add my post-IBS attack symptoms, which include a slight soreness all through my bowels, a feeling of faintness from all the work my body just did moving those big bowel muscles so much, and a general feeling of being drained and depleted.
Life is ever so much fun in this merry old world of ours, isn’t it? Isn’t it though?
Oh well. At least I am venting my more negative emotions some of the time now. As those who know me may know, I am a huge believer in catharsis. Emotions are information and the only way to get rid of them is to express them to someone. Only the will your mind get the “message received” signal and let the emotion go.
We call that letting go “catharsis”, and it is God, or at least redemption.
So I figure as long as I keep getting bettter and better at actually putting my real emotions out there (as opposed to just the cute ones), the better off I will be in the long run. So I got that going for me.
Oh well. Time for me to return to bed and try to mellow out.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.