Updated to WordPress 5.0 and now everything is WEIRD. Grr.
Anyhow. Feeling less depressed lately but not actually better.
I am feeling less depressed in that I am not feeling even half the ampount of numbness and despair that I was last week. That feeling that trying to motivate myself is like trying to fill a bucket with no bottom is still there but it’s way in the background right now.
Which is good. Probably.
But the lack of numbness means I have reverted to my second negative state, feeling angry, nihilistic, and frustrated.
And it’s getting worse. For the last ten days or so, I have been experiencing the feeling like I am Louis Del Grande in Scanners and the pressure in my head is building until it explodes.
Well, okay, not that bad. But the feeling of rising tension, anger, and anxiety is kind of like that.
Hence the name of this post. I feel like I am angrily stalking around in my cage and the cage keeps getting smaller and smaller until I end up jumping up and down and screaming with the strong urge to fling poo.
Or strangle somebody. Either/or.
And I feel like it is all building to a fever pitch and at some point something dangerously explosive is going to happen, and I don’t want that thing to happen and I will do my best to release the pressure non-destructively, but I strongly suspect that this will not be enough and I am going to go nuclear on one level or another time soon.
I can only hope that it will be the transcendental type explosion that propels me to a new level of being as the energies reach a critical level and force open the doors of my perceptions to allow for self-transformation.
Render me molten. I need a new shape.
The alternative is that I end up getting super mad at someone and/or something, and I reaaaaally don’t want that. I am not worried I will commit acts of physical violence any more – I have progress that far at least – but verbal violence is a distinct possibility and I don’t want to end up in another situation where I have a meltdown at FRED and end up wrecking a large part of the evening for everyone, including myself, by getting super pissed about some minor thing and (even worse) being absolutely incapable of backing down or agreeing to disagree or anything like that because my flame and lit now and I won’t be sane until it burns all its fuel.
That’s exactly the emotion pattern of an abuser like my father. Temporary rage induced insanity. And I simply will not have it. I will fall on my sword rather than let that happen to me again.
Aaaand the FRED Xmas part is this Sunday, so I had better get my act together well ahead of time.
Every real life Xmas horror story starts with the fact that the holidays put people under unusual stress and that can have explosive results.
So I will be going in ready for problems and with a light but firm grip on myself, knowing I am at risk for going off.
It’s the only way to guard against rage incidents.
I feel lucky that I know this and am willing to take responsibility for it.
That’s something my father never did.
And now, comedy!
I think that, this Xmas season, it is especially important for everyone in these divisive and divided times to remember the true meaning of Xmas and that is to celebrate the day that X was born.
I had a bunch of riffs on that setup but I am too tired to remember them and I am not sure they were all that great to begin with.
They were very mathy.
Just got back from the weekly Paragon meeting. Not really in the mood to blog right now, to be honest. For some reason I feel kind of sick and what I really want to do is lay down and zero out.
But I cannot rest until I have written my daily words, so on I go.
I feel sort of betrayed by the fact that I feel kind of ill right now because after I did the earlier portion of today’s blogging, I actually felt a lot better and was feeling almost sort of kind of semi-good for once.
That’s a big improvement over feeling terrible sadness punctured by periods of unfocused rage.
Hopefully my system will calm down and mellow out in the near future. I guess the burst of activity of gathering my 7-11 purchases, getting out of Felicity’s car, coming injside my apartment building, then taking the elevator to our floor and coming home was just oo much for my hothouse flower systems to take and now I am all aflutter.
I had an interesting thought pop into my head earlier : that there is always so much at stake in my life. Even minor things like going and getting a glass of water involve so much emotion that it’s like I am walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls or something.
And it’s not hard to see why. I have all this latent emotion floating around in my system that it ends up attaching itself to even the most mundane of activities and invests them with outsized importance just to get expressed.
So what happens? I end up hiding from all that emotion as best as I can by doing as little as possible, which is the exact reason I have all that latent emotion hanging around in the first place.
The obvious route out is to find healthy ways to express all that latent emotion. Easier said that done, right? In order to do that, I would have to accept that my emotions might hit the sort of intensity on the way out that means I will not be able to remain in control of myself.
I might even do things I will later regret in the heat of the moment.
And words cannoy convey how much that prospect terrifies me. It’s like death but worse. It feels like that would destroy me.
Even though I know it’s the sort of thing that happens to normal people all the time. To me, it still seems like the worst possible thing.
And I don’t know what to do about that.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.