God damn it, Internet. First you fail to have a Muppets themed USB drive for me to buy, and now you have the “After these messages…. ” bumpers but not the matching bookend of the “And nooooow…. on with the show!” ones.

In what world does that makes sense? Grr.

Okay, now I am going to talk about the quetiapine thing. I already talked about it on Facebook but that, as it turns out, did not come close to expressing how I feel about this whole thing, so here I go again.

First, the narrative portion.

While Googling the Wiki page for quetiapine for yesterday’s blog entry, I noticed that one of the Google Answers results was “Is quetiapine a sleeping pill?” I have wondered that myself, so I clicked.

That lead to an Answer that basically said “No”, but that Answer linked to a very disturbing article, and now I dunno what to do.

I already knew that quetiapine was not indicated for insomnia. That means that the medical authorities never approved the big Q for use in treating insomnia, and given that the drug is listed as an atypical antipsychotic for use in treating things like schizophrenia, that’s no big surprise.

That means that my therapist giving me quetiapine for my sleep issues was what is known as an “off book” use of the drug.

So far so good. It seemed like a weird decision on my shrink’s part but what the hell, it helped when other meds (like trazadone and zopiclone) did not, and therefore I just kind of went with it.

But it never occurred to me that the “off book” use would be very bad for me. Until I read the article.

Here’s the juicy bit. There are many side effects…

…including an odd sensation of tension and restlessness (akathisia), Parkinson’s-like tremors and movement abnormalities, weight-gain, high blood sugar, new or worsening diabetes and, in rare cases, heart arrhythmia that can cause sudden cardiac death. A recent Health Canada review linked quetiapine and other so-called “atypical” antipsychotics to an increased risk of sleep apnea —breaks in breathing during sleep.

https://nationalpost.com/health/seroquel-for-insomnia

Emphases mine. I mean, what the FUCK??

I have had nearly all those symptoms. The only one I missed was the one that was fatal. I have had terrible tension and restlessness on occasion. I have had (admittedly minor) tremors. I have high blood sugar and worsen diabetes because those are actually the exact same thing.

And the feculent cherry on this shit sundae is that of course I have sleep apnea and it turns out my sleeping pill might make it worse.

I mean Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

But it gets worse, because according to the article, millions of other people have had the same terrible prescription foisted on them by doctors who were apparently helpless against a very strong marketing campaign for the drug as a sleep aid.

One of whom was my psychiatrist, Doctor Avrum Costin.

And suddenly, questions he has asked me about side effects are thrown into sharp focus. At the time, the questions just struck me as weird. Why was he asking about such crazy side effects? Whatever. Therapy!

And this is not the only time he has fallen for drug company hype. I had to go through this whole rigamarole once because of his insistance that I get brand name Wellbutrin instead of the generic version.

And he justified it with a bunch of bullshit talking points that I saw through instantly as the exact kind of bafflegab that a drug rep with the impossible job of convincing doctors to pay more for no reason would come up with.

You know, bullshit things like dubious stats about some mystical definition of “purity” and how the name brand is “more pure” based on it.

This, despite the fact that if the generic wasn’t in every way identical to the name brand, it would be illegal to sell.

So now I am faced with the higbh probability that I have been taking poison for years because my doctor is a dupe.

God damn it, can’t there be one authority figure in my life who is actually smarter than I am?

Do you have any idea how fucked up it is to grow up being smarter than the adults who are supposedto be your mentors and guides and leaders through life? To have no intellectual authority figures at all?

Or any other kind, really,. When you know you can think concentric rings around someone, it is kind of hard to take them seriously.

When you are in that situation, you know that, essentially, you are on your own. You’re the one who is going to have to figure things out for yourself because nobody in your life can match your speed.

My one cold comfort has always been that there are people who know a lot of things that I don’t.

That’s not the same as them being smarter than me, but it has to do.

Anyhow, existential rant over, back to the topic.

Clearly, what I have to do is have a serious talk with my therapist about his choices and how he makes them and I am going to have to demand he write me a ‘scrip for a different sleep medication.

Preferably one that is actually indicated as a sleep aid, and not some vaginimus treatment that happens to make people drowsy.

And I am not looking forward to this conversation because I know I will be coming in angry and he’ll get defensive and it will become this whole thing.

More importantly, though, is that my trust in my therapist has been shaken. And I do not trust easily. I have layers and layers of defenses like a fort from the height of the age of castles specifically to keep me from having to truly trust people and rely on them.

And my therapist, up until this point, has been the person I have trusted most in this world in terms of letting him see the parts of me that nobody else has ever gotten to see.

And he’s heard stuff that I didn’t know I had in me until I said it.

And he knows me better than any other human being ever.

And I would hate to start over with a new shrink.

So we will have to come to some sort of understanding.

I just have to keep reminding myself that incompetence is not malice and that nobody is perfect and we have to work with what we have.

Hopefully that will be enough to soothe the savage rage inside me made of so many of my ISSUES that it’s like a black tornado of rage.

Luckily, I have venting to you people to help wind me down.

Have I mentioned how much I love you people lately?

‘Cause I do.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.