Let’s try thinking past the problem.
If I wasn’t sick, I would work hard every day to transform the life I have into the one I want. I would hunt up freelance work until my slate was full and then I would spend eight hours a day doing said paid work, almost as if I was employed or something.
As part of that, I would also be hunting for a permanent position somewhere that can use my considerable talents. I am one hell of a writer, and there must be some place in this crazy world that can make use of my gifts in exchange for money.
That’s not too much to ask, is it?
If I wasn’t sick, I would have both energy. and the physical robustness to use it. I would spend all day working like hell on things I love and I would not be plagued by random mood crashes, withering of willpower, lack of purpose and propulsion, and all the other million and a half things that keep me from realizing my potential.
If I wasn’t sick, I would realize my potential.
If I wasn’t sick, I would remain focused and driven by purpose intead of always going out of phase with reality and then having to drag myself back to the here and now.
If I wasn’t sick, my world would be crystal clear and my will and my purpose and my concentration would all be how I want them to be when needed.
If I wasn’t sick, the fog in my mind would clear, like night mists burned away by the morning sun. I would be able to think clearly for the first time in a long time. I would be i full command of all my abilities all the time, and be able to command works into existence by focusing my will towards my goals and not letting go until I got what I wanted out of life.
If I wasn’t sick, I would be able to focus, period.
If I wasn’t sick, I would have a wide circle of freinds and acquaintances. I wouild be the sort of personable person everyone likes, and I would learn how to get along with anybody and everybody, just like my father. I would know lots of cool and interesting people and be able to draw on that when I need people to help me with whateer project I have going.
If I wasn’t sick, I’d have my own coterie of weirdos.
If I wasn’t sick, I would get a lot more exercise. Because I am in good health, exercise would be a lot less painful and dangerous and I would be free to enjoy the muscular relief of tension, endorphins, and many other joyful things about exercise.
If I wasn’t sick, I would be buff as hell, with my body in peak condition and free of all the weird little pains and aches and other nastiness to which my current body is prone.
If I wasn’t sick, there would be so much less pain in my life.
If I wasn’t sick, I wouldn’t need to nap now.
If I wasn’t sick, I would go on dates.
Lots of dates. I would sample what was out there so I could get a clearer pictures of just exactly what it is I want. I mean, I have a fairly good idea what I want in a guy now, but without field testing, it is hard to tell the difference between theory and practice.
If I wasn’t sick, I would find a guy who understood me when I talked like that.
If I wasn’t sick, I would sleep around. Some of those dates would lead to the boudoir and I would get to try to catch up with my raging lust and expend all that pent up sexual energy I have inside. I would finally move past the masturbation phase of sexual development and get me some of all that hot cock out there.
Including going to the baths. Now that I am neither crushingly shy or claustrophobic, thre is nothing keeping me from going to a gay bath house like Steamworks on the busiest night of the week and helping myself to all the sucking and fucking I want until I am satiates and spent and perhaps a tad dehydrated.
I might even try out a kink or two, see if I can get others interested. And I should be able to. Without the fear making me send out subconscious “get the fuck away from me” signals, my natural charisma and charm would dominate, unfiltered, and I would become a pretty popular dude despite my obesity.
Confidence and attitude. That’s what it’s all about.
In fact, if I wasn’t sick, I would be one kickass dude. Charm, wit, personality, erotic magnetism, I would have it all, and without bad tapes and punishing society anxiety filling up my head and getting in the way.
If I wasn’t sickm I would have no trouble landing me a good man. I would finally be social enough to meet lots of new people and that combined with my charms would insure that I can “play the field” in search of a mate. Maybe even a husband.
If I wasn’t sick, I could get married. It could totally happen.
So if I wasn’t sick, I could get me a wider social group, a permanent job. and a husband with whom to share wedded, domestic bliss.
That is my formula for success. That is the life of which I dream. Nothing that lots of other people don’t have without having the slightest idea what it’s like to be too sick to even try to get.
If I wasn’t sick, I would be whole. Complete. Comfortable in my own skin. Strong, and confident, and focused. I would be a real person, in other words, finally getting what others takle for granted.
If I wasn’t sick, I could finally live a normal life.
If I wasn’t sick, I would be happy.
Too bad I’m so sick.