Still thinking about this whole “feeling like I am never doing what I am supposed to be doing” kind of thing.

First, let’s do some important affirmations.

There is nothing I am “supposed” to be doing.

I am perfectly free to live my life entirely for my own pleasure.

All that really matters is my own happiness, and if worrying about that ends up being too much of a hassle and becomes a liability to said happiness, I am free to ditch that too.

The last thing I need is to constantly worry about whether I could be happier. That would be even worse than feeling like I am never doing the right thing.

The main thing is to freaking relax. Live life for fun. Be a kid again. Stop worrying about what I should be doing. Stop thinking about all the things I could be doing too.

Basically, if it’s making me unhappy, fuck it.

It is perfectly acceptable to live life for fun. If I feel up to it, I can also listen to my own soul in anticipation of the day it produces one clear signal for me to follow and then follow said signal as far as it takes me.

But if that becomes a liability, it too can be discontinued until I feel up to it again.

Yes, I have ambitions. And yes, I have some pretty big dreams too. I dream of being able to live a normal life, with a husband and a job and a place in life, instead of having this big supercomputer brain that isn’t hooked up to anything.

But those ambitions and dreams are my own, to do with as I please. If they motivate me to do things, great. If they only serve to make me feel better about my current life, that’s perfectly fine too.

But if they are only cudgels my overactive superego uses to beat me, then they too can die a thousand deaths.

Essentially. my overactive superego needs to fuck of and die in a chemical fire. It is what has become toxic, not me. I am fine. In fact, I am downright amazing.

So I hereby command my overactive superego (who works for ME and not the other way around) to back the fuck off. You are terrible at your job and you try my patience and if I could, I would get rid of your completely.

But the human psyche kind of needs one, so instead, I am warning you to learn to behave or face the consequences.

You, too, can be judged and found wanting. In fact, you just were. Fucker.

This means you are no longer free to feast upon my own flesh and take my hidden anger out on myself. That shit stops right now.

There are worse things in life than taking it out on others, especially if that can be done in a constructive way.

And it is perfectly fine if my life isn’t going anywhere because I am sick. I swear, I am going to keep telling myself that until it sticks. In as much as it matter, all society really expects of me is that I do my best to get well.

That’s why I am going to stop myself when I start to feel bad about myself for being this giant brain with such enormous potential that I am “wasting” and remind myself that it’s my potential and ergo serves my own needs and my own happiness and that I don’t owe the world a god damned thing.

And as for all those things I feel like I “could” be doing and therefore “should” be doing, am I really being realistic about it? Could I really be doing these things given how unwell I am, or is that just something that I tell myself to feel better?

If so, those dreams need to be thrown out because they have gone bad and been subverted by my evil superego into just another way to harm myself.

Well I am done harming myself. Fuck that noise. All that matters is my happiness. All these other concerns that swarm around my head like gnats from hell can go fuck themselves to death with a rusty razor blade.

If I want to play video games all day, I will. But not because it’s the only way to escape the inner torment of my evil superego.

It will be because that is my current best guess as to what will make me happy. But that’s all it is, a guess. I am free to try other things without worry or care because I am not betting my entire escape on it.

Because there is nothing to escape. The demon at the door is gone. He was never real in the first place. He was just a puppet I used to scare myself. But I don’t need to do that any more. I see through his bullshit and have kicked his ass to the curb.

Sure, I am opening the door to a lot more possibilities in my life now that I am no longer going to give in to this feeling of never doing what I am supposed to be doing.

But that, too, is subject to change if it interferes with my happiness. The door is open for when I feel like going out to explore, but I am under no obligation to do so.

Now let’s finish up with a great big primal id statement :

I AM HERE.

I AM ALIVE.

I AM REAL.

I DESERVE TO BE HERE.

I DESERVE MY FAIR SHARE OF THE GOOD THINGS IN LIFE.

I HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF AND I CAN HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH IN THE WORLD WITHOUT FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR LIVING.

LIFE IS EITHER GOING TO MAKE ROOM FOR ME AT THE TABLE OR I WILL MAKE IT MAKE ROOM FOR ME AT THE TABLE.

IT IS TIME FOR ME TO GET MINE.

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.