Because it’s not longer than avering, but it is thicker.

And now you know!

Anyhow, as you have no doubt deduced, it’s time for me to alienate everyone by talking very explicitly about my so-called sexuality.

Maestro, a little gay furry porn to set the mood, please?

What got me on this subject (apart from sheer perverse horniness) was the realization that spend most of my time terribly pent up.

It just took me this long to notice because for me, that’s normal. That is my default state. I have arguably never not been a little pent up because between growing up in a small town in an era when being out of the closet was not a good idea and being an urban hermit for most of my adult life, I have never had a period where I was getting the sort of sex that involves others on a regular basis.

Add in the problem of my brain going haywire when I try to have that kind of sex in the real world and you can see that I have quite the problem.

You know what my entire conception of my sex life was when I was a teen? Porn. That’s it. I thought the sex with others thing would never happen to me because I was so repulsive and nobody liked me or even cared about me, so I figured the sum total of my human sexual expression would be jacking my cock to gay porn.

Thank goodness the internet came along when it did. And furry fandom, come to think of it. AND I OFTEN DO.

See what I did there?

Hmmm. This needs more porn. Avert thine eyes, Julian, because I am about to post porn of some Ducktales characters :

I have a ton more of that, if anyone is interested.

Anyhow, where was I….oh right, my solo sex life.

By the time I was out of my small and into an urban area where there were plenty of gay venues and events where I could meet hot dudes and maybe start sowing those wild oats I have heard so much about, I was cripplingly depressed and socially anxious and more or less an invalid in many ways.

So it was getting myself to the Happy White Squirting Time in front of the computer from that point on too. Even when I lived in a household with three gay nudists and a dog named Zane, my sex life was solo because I was way too shy to ever approach any of my roomies for sex.

And I mean, we’re furries. Friend sex is kind of our thing. We’re cool like that.

Oh, and then antidepressants entered the picture and my libido vanished. And for a good long time I didn’t miss it. After all, you don’t immediately miss an appetite. You aren’t getting sex and you’re not craving it either.

So where’s the problem?

That’s such a ridiculously narrow way of seeing things. I can see that now. I feel like my whole life I have been fooling myself by thinking I knew all the answers when all I was really doing is deluding myself with ego gratifying delusions.

But that’s for another blog entry.

Porn time? Porn time.

Eventually, however. my libido began to thaw out and re-awaken, and that’s when I realized that I really did miss it. I missed the warmth of it all. The way horniness had of melting the ice off my heart for a while and making me feel more human. The passion of it all made me feel more alive and more whole.

Plus, of course, sex is fun and feels wonderful. Can’t forget that.

Over the years, my libido thawed out even more, and that’s when I ran into the big problem that the antidepressants no longer kept me from getting horny, they just kept me from being able to get off.

No more Happy White Squirting Time. I could jack off all I wanted and all that would happen is that I would make myself very frustrated before having to stop because I just plain ran out of energy.

And that’s where I am now. And it sucks. I get off maybe once a month now, and believe me, it is not for lack of trying.

But more than that, I am increasingly aware that human beings are not supposed to have solo sex lives and that I really crave that non-solo sexy times stuff.

And that brings me right up against the wall of my social anxiety. It’s kind of hard to find bed buddies when the thought of meeting people you don’t know gives you the shakes.

Time for more porn! Indulge me, this is as close to sex as I get.

Remember, it’s not bestiality if the animal can talk, and as far as you know, that big grey doggy talks better than an Oxford don.

Hey, I just remembered where I was going with all of this!

My point, and I do have one, is that I have been very sexually frustrated for a very long time. So long that I have no idea what it is like to be anything else.

And on some level, I have known that for a long time. The only difference is that now, I realize that it might just be a problem, and that a lot of my depression might cum (ha) from a terrible case of the long term blue balls.

I dunno what to do with this information so here’s one more porn :

I don’t know how to solve the problem of my pent up jism, let alone the whole “sex with others” thing. Even if I could work up the nerve to arrange a liason via some hookup app like Grindr, I would be so worried that I would not be able to peform, or worse, not be able to get off.

Life was easier when I pretended this shit didn’t matter.

Not better. Just easier.

Well, clearly, the only solution is for me to become rich enough to hire all the mal prostitutes I want until I figure out how to get invited to the really good orgies.

Yeah. I will get right to work on that.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.