Hey there America! Listen… have you noticed that other countries (you… do remember that there’s other countries. right?) aren’t nearly as… you know../ INTO themselves as the USA is? Why do you suppose that is?

I will give you a minute to process these unfamiliar and alien thoughts related to actually comparing the USA to other countries rather than just acceping that the USA is the best at all things everywhere for all time.

Ready? Good. Good for yoyu.

Presumably, by now, you have arrived at the easy and politically correct answer, “Because nobody else is as awesome as America, duh!”

It would be easy at this point to question how you know this to be true. but I am not going to bother with that because for one, I get the feeling your answer will be “Because America!’ and that won’t get us anwhere, but mostly because I know this type of thinking (the thinking kind) is hard for you and I don’t want to overtax that small cluster of neurons you dedicate to thinking about others.

Other countries, that is. But that brings me to the point of all this.

I want you to imagine that you are at a party and have just met someone. Let’s call him Sam. And the first thing you noticed about Sam is that he has a really high opinion of himself. He is constantly talking abouit what a great guy he is, how he’s better than everyone else and how everyone wishes they were him and how he’s the strongest, the fastest, and the best at everything, and so forth and so on.

Sam is so pleased with himself, in fact, that he never misses an opportunity to sing his own praises. You would think he is very confident in himself.

But you’d be wrong. Because Sam reacts to even the slightest hint of criticism with a violent and bewildered outrage which quickly morphs into a blind rage that seeks to utterly annihilate the source of the criticism rather than actually answer it.

And that’s not how a secure person reacts, is it? If Sam was really as confident as he pretends to be, he would just shrug off the criticism.

But he can’t. It’s like criticism is very very painful to him.

Ever wonder why?

Here’s another thing about Sam : his home is in shambles. For all his bragging about how rich he is. he obviously cheaps out on the upkeep of his home. Everything is falling apart. The driveway is cracked and broken. The front lawn is three feet tall, half weeds, and burned brown at the top. Half the windows are broken and the ones that remain clearly haven’t been cleaned lately, possibly ever. The front door hangs off its hinges like a drunken man holding onto a telephone pole. The whole place stinks.

And that’s just what it looks like from the outside.

But worst of all is the kids. Because despite how much Sam talks about what an awesome family man he is, he obviously cheaps out on his kids too. They are all pale, underweight, and neglected. Sam spends as little as he can possibly get away with on his kids, and if they ask for more, he calls them socialists and parasites.

Sam says he’s the greatest guy around, and yet despite his wealth, he lives a far worse life than all his far poorer neighbors.

He’s a real piece of work, our Sam.

Now tell me : what do you think of Sam?

Do you think….,

A) that despite all the evidence, Sam really is as wonderful and amazing and superior as he says he is and is therefore a wonderful human being, or

B) that Sam is a horrible, obnoxious, monster of a person who is so full of shit it turned his eyes brown and needs to be taught a lesson in manners and common decency?

Because if you haven’t figured it out by now, the part is the world and Sam is you.

You are the obnoxious and far too aggressive angry guy who constantly sings his own praises while letting the nation you supposedly love fall apart because you just plain won’t pay to keep it together and when someone points his out, you act like this person is trying to steal your money.

And we in the rest of the world find your atttitude and behaviours just as appalling as you do Sam’s, and you look just as bad to the rest of the world as Sam does to you.

And you need to own this. American exceptionalism might feel good in the short term. but in reality, it’s just an excuse for laziness.

After all, if America gets the prize – thinking it’s the best -automatically, why would it put any effort into making it true?

That’s some seriously fucked up “participation award” thinking, America.

So consider this your intervention.

We just want you to kinow that,. as your international friends,. we are very worried about you. You have been in sharp decline lately and it hurts us to see you go down this self destructive path,. and abandon all the virtues, like courage, honor,. and a passionate dedication to do the right thing. that we have come to associate you.

I am sorry what I said above is so hard but I am trying hard to get through to you. So consider this the most loving of kicks to the ass.

Wake up, America. Rich people are stealing your money. Thieves, liars, and parasites are destroying everything you stand for. For far too long, you have accepted that you don’t get to have nice things that everyone else has, like universal healthcare and paid maternity leave. because the politicians say you can’t afford it.

But you can. You know this. You’re the richest country in the world, god dammit. If you put your minds to it, you can do anything.

So start standing up for yourself, America. Demand better government. Tell your politicians to fix up the placem or else. Shout down anyone who dares to suggest that the greatest country on Earth can’t do good things for itself.

And then put your money where your mouth is and pay for the America you deserve.

You can do it, America! I believe in you!

And I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.