I find myself increasingly imagining myself as someone who is explaining something to a group of adults in the style of a lecturing professor.

Like I am giving a TED talk, or making an “explainer” video with a live audience.

I have always had a sort of inner lecturer. A voice that explains my thoughts as part of my inner monologue. It helps me process what I am thinking about, as well as, I just realized, being pretty good practice for being a writer. ^[1]

It is all about developing your organ of articulation. That magic machine that turns thoughts into words and words into the written word.

Anyhow, what has changed recently is that this phenomenon seems more real an specific now. Instead of it being a half-formed inner voice talking to nobody in particular, it is now my actual voice and there is a distinct image in my mind of an audience and the “slides” (or whatever) I am using to illustrate my points and even the way my voice sounds over the PA.

At least it’s a functional delusion.

This all has me pondering making videos where I explain my ideas. Proper ones, with lots of pictures and captions and other fun stuff, not like those very dull ones I made ages ago where I am just talking to the camera and looking naked.

In fact, the easiest thing would be to just take those videos and add all the visual kibble necessary to make it a video worth watching and not just an audio lecture with an entirely superfluous bearded dude cluttering up the screen.

There are all kinds of videos I could make where I maximize my personal magnetism and trade hard on my inherent appeal, but these ain’t them.

And I would have to have at least a little visual kibble there, too.

The appeal of turning my boring static talker videos into something more fun to look at is that it’s something I can do on my own.

It’s not that I am against working with others. In fact, I desperately want to do so. I am so tired of doing everything myself. I am tired of being limited to only what I, personally, can do. I long for the day when I can just do the bits I am good at and/or enjoy and then leave the rest to others I can trust to get it done right.

That last bit might be tricky. But I’m game.

But the thing about doing things on my own is that I am able to work at my own speed (fast) in my own way(idiosyncratic) in my own time (afternoons, mostly) and thus the distance between my mind and finished product is minimized.

And, at the risk of sounding antisocial, if I am working on my own I am not dependent on anyone else to do their part before I can move forward, and that means a hell of a lot to someone like me.

You know…. someone with so many trust issues that they came with a free football phone and a year’s supply of Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco Treat.

And it’s not people’s character I do not trust. Its their competence.

That might seem a tad rich coming from a low life competence (and general low life) like me, but it nevertheless applies.

I don’t trust others to be as focused, pragmatic,and responsible as I am. Essentially.

It’s a hard thing to pin down with words. I think, at root, I don’t trust other people to care as much about getting things done as I do.

In my experience, that’s true. I try not to be too judge-y about it – after all, everybody has their own strengths and weaknesses, and anyone I might judge for “incompetence” is probably good at tons of things I can’t even do.

It is by remembering that truth that, by and large, I keep myself out of the Hank Hill “Am I the only one around here with any dang sense?” Taurus zone.

However, that still leaves me with the problem of not being able to trust others to feel as I do, and the simplest solution for that is to work alone.

The other solutions all seem to involve dominating the hell out of people in order to make them think and do things my way, and I find that a very depressing thought.

That would turn me into a much darker version of myself, and to say I don’t wanna go there would be a celestial understatement.

---

Medical update : Bad.

Went in for wound care today, and when the nurse took the dressing off, not only did my wound look no better than last time, I had developed two more problem areas.

Not sure what to call these new skin features. They are halfway between being a blister and being a skin tag. They are painful to the touch and flabby, but don’t seem to have fluid inside them.

Skin tags with attitude, I guess.

So now I have two dressings. Things are getting worse, not better, and that is pretty fucking depressing. I feel like things are sliding out of control and it is freaking me out.

I will need to get that new glucose meter ASAP. Right now I am stuck in the gumption trap of not being able to pick one. I am going to have to power through that bullshit and pick the first one that seems like it will work.

Because this shit is getting crazy. I need to get my diabetes under control being I end up in the hospital full of tubes.

That should be enough of a nightmare image to motivate me to get things done.

Yeah. Should be.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.