The necrosis of neurosis has start nibbling away at the good feelings from last night’s world premiere of me doing standup.
And you know what? Let it. IDGAF. I won’t give it energy by opposing it. It can burrow away at last night’s performance, breaking it down and judging it and tearing it apart, and I won’t do a single thing to stop it.
But I won’t pay attention to it. That would only feed it. It can labour away in my subconscious mind like a good little cognitive employee while I sit back and relax like a good boss, only interfering when executive decisions are needed.
I will go up again next week. That’s a settled issue. Until then, I will only devote as much energy and attention to it as I can spare without it becoming a whole “thing”.
Basically, I am going to coast along on my natural talent, only this time I am totally doing it on purpose.
Makes for a refreshing change.
Had therapy today. Not a great session. I was so focused on telling him all about my standup comedy debut that I forgot to do ,my half of the staying focused on actual emotions and expressing them,. so I ended up just talking for the most part.
It’s so damned hard to tell the difference, especially in the moment. If I am sitting there talking with my therapist about emotions, it seems a lot like therapy.
But it might not be. It might take the form of therapy but the content is missing because I am not really expressing anything. It’s all too cold and detached and cerebral to be doing me any real good.
I need help exiting the intellectual mode so I can express my real feelings and get them off my proverbial chest.
The problem, ironically, is that I am a pretty spellbinding raconteur. I can keep my therapist fascinated without even half-trying, and so to that extent it is up to me to keep things “real” and emotionally meaningful.
I don’t want that kind of responsibility. I wish I lived in a world where I could simply relax and be myself in therapy and trust the therapist to keep things on point.
But I can be quite overwhelming, and I know it. Like a tidal wave of charm, intellect, intensity, and projecting empathy, and all done in a sweet and harmless way that is a lot for people to take in.
And that’s me restraining myself. That’s me doing my best to not go farther or faster or beyond the people I am communicating with.
I can’t even imagine what I would be like if I didn’t hold back at all.
I would probably end up in an insane asylum or a jail, or one of those creepy places that is both at the same time.
I have come up with a phrase : EXPRESS EVERYTHING. It’s a starling and refreshing idea. Express everything that you are feeling all the time.
And that goes double for anything you have repressed in the past.
Is it possible? I don’t know. Probably not.
But it IS a goal worth pursuing.
I will ponder it further.
More after the break.
Really sleepy for some reason today. I was having a devil of a time focusing when I wrote Part Un up there. My mind kept wandering off and I would have to semi-patiently reel it back in and make it do the work.
I’m doing a little better now. I still crave sleep and I was nodding off while trying to play some New Vegas, which is why I am eating half an hour early.
I figured I really had to eat before I slept and sleep was coming up fast so I had better eat and finish the day’s blogging right away.
That way, I can sleep all night if I need to.
Speaking of New Vegas, this New California mod really is like an entirely new game. It even has its own loading and title screens, as well as two different character creation intros depending on if you choose “the path of the warrior” or “the path of the scientist”., totally new story intro, a custom Vault to start in, the works.
But it’s also super depressing. You start off in a nice cozy Vault, but it then gets attacked by a fascist faction of brainwashed youths lead by their Coach, then if that was not bad enough the leader of the vault is so freaked out by the carnage and chaos that he sets off the self-destruct mechanism, so then you have to run like hell to get out before the whole place blows up, then the whole place blows up, then the whole places blows up, then you have to get your ass to this cabin in the woods, then just when you think you are safe this bandit warlord shows up and kidnaps you, drags you underground, then throws you down a deep dark pit where you have to defeat both a giant super mutant behemoth and some invisible motherfucker with a gun.
Oh, and they took all your weapons away. So you have to do this with whatever your happen to find lying around.
It truly sucks. So much so that I started over against. I was a jock the first time, with high Strength and Endurance and Melee Weapons skill, and that’s when I dealt with all the crap I described above.
I hope the game is a little more gentle for my nerd. Either that, or that the nerdy things my jock could not do, like hack computers, help a LOT.
Otherwise, I will be tempted to just say “fuck it”, uninstall the damned thing, and start a new game of regular New Vegas instead.
New California is an extremely impressive achievement. In all ways it is like an entire game unto itself. The amount of work must have been staggering, but what is more impressive is the high level of professionalism.
It all looks and feels like the regular game, and that’s an intangible most large mods miss. And all for free.
But it’s just so god damned bleak.
Hopefully being a nerd is easier.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.