Aaaaand here I am, back to feeling terrible again.
My mistake, it seems, was taking my sleeping pill, Zopiclone. I took it at bed time (which for me is 7 am), slept really hard, woke up feeling absolutely horrible at around noon, ate lunch without even bothering to try to blog, and then went back to sleep for the whole god damned afternoon except for a brief period where I got up to pee, peed, then sat at the computer to try to do…. something.
But I was a fox of far too little brain to even just watch videos, so I went back to sleep.
And I am only doing marginally better now. I just yanked myself (wait for it….) back into focus after drifting off for a few seconds. Part of me very much wants to go back to sleep right about now.
And I might yet. It’s an open question. I want to go to Subway to hang out with my friends, but I might not make it. I feel so very tired and I am having so much trouble focusing. on the here and now.
Going back to bad sounds real good right now.
And I can’t help but feel, in this moment, that I am being punished for doing the right thing. Taking a sleeping pill in order to make sure I get uninterrupted sleep is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
The idea is that I would get more good quality sleep and therefore have more of my mental resources to use to regulate my mood when I woke up.
Or something like that, Point is, it’s supposed to make me feel better. And I suppose it might still do that in the long run.
But I felt fine when I took the pill. Cheerful and relaxed and content. And when I woke up I felt utterly miserable, worse even than I do right now.
So like…. what the fuck, man. That’s now how this is supposed to work.
I guess I am paying off a serious amount of sleep debt in painfully large installments. It sucks but hopefully I will eventually feel a whole lot better for having done it.
Get my doors of perception cleansed, or at least given a quick rinse.
I think I will try to get a little more sleep before heading to Subway at something like 8 pm. It’s almost 6:30 pm now and I will need 15 minutes to shower and get ready, so that will give me around an hour to nap and maybe make it up the ring of consciousness to something approaching actual sentience.
Or maybe I would better off if I just said fuck it and told the guys I am just plain not going to make it out tonight and to back to bed with a smile on my face because it feels so damned good to just fall apart again,.
I will see how I feel when I get up again.
More after the break.
Pity the Ascended
Been pondering the lack of authority in my life today.
Patient readers know all about this already, so bear with me, kind folk : basically, what I mean by a lack of authority in my life is that I cannot remember a time when I felt like there was someone far more powerful, intelligent, and wise who could force me to do what it wanted for my own protection and whom I could trust to keep me safe.
Maybe I had that sense before I was raped. Maybe not. I can’t say I remember either way. I remember being a happy kid before that and I certainly remember my babysitter Betty being able to “handle” me through will and skill.
But I can’t recall whether I felt protected by a greater power or not.
What I do remember is my school years, and never in that period did I feel like there was someone whom I could trust enough to believe that they would keep me safe and I could just relax and be a kid.
Mrs. Rogers came the closest. She, like Betty, had a lot of willpower and was skilled enough at manipulating kids that she could get through to me.
That was not easy. It’s not that I didn’t listen to what adults had to say. I did. But so little of what they had to say was interesting or relevant to me that I didn’t pay a lot of attention to it, and the sad thing is, for the most part, I didn’t have to.
Anyhow. Even Mrs Rogers was not enough to get me to trust someone with my safety. Life had taught me that there was nobody around to save me from anything ever anywhere and that my safety was in my own hands, period, forever.
And that’s a hell of a thing when you are a kid. And I was a kid alright, just one who talked like a tiny adult and thus often got treated like one.
That…. should not happen. With only myself to see to my own safety in a school where anyone was free to abuse me all they liked with no repercussions, all I could do was isolate myself as much as possible.
Had I been a difference kind of kid, maybe I would have roared like a dragon and attacked my unjust world with all my passion and strength until all feared to cross me and got my safety (?) that way.
But I was a soft, timid, frightened child, and so I hid myself away.
I still wish I had copped a major attitude instead. It was thinking about that possibility that got me thinking about this topic today.
I wish I had taken the attitude that I was smarter than everyone else and they suck my tiny wrinkly balls if they didn’t like it because they had no authority over me and I was going to do as I pleased until such time as someone could actually make me behave.
I wish I had done this because it would have essentially been a way to challenge the whole goddamned world to a fight. By doing so, I would maximize my chnaces of summoning a force that was actually more powerful than me and said force might actually be able to make me feel safe.
Maybe it would have been one person. Maybe it would have been a small group. Maybe it would have been an idea or an organization that I wanted to serve.
But surely something would have come alone that could defeat me.
Because the alternative is unthinkable.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.