The kind that leads to feeling overwhelmed.
Because….. because that’s the uh….. joke. Hehe.
(SFX : Audience silence. Someone coughs. A cricket chirps. It’s someone’s ringtone. They apologize and dash out of the venue. )
Anyhow, I am feeling overwhelmed. And I know why.
It’s because one item was added to my week and that is totally throwing off my tender little timetable and triggering me.
The item is Felicity’s performance at the Standup For Mental Health graduation show at Yuk Yuk’s tonight. I am going with her to provide moral support and companionship, and to get me some quality Felicity time.
That’s been in short supply lately because I have not been able to hang out with her and Joe at her parents’ place due to fears of my being infected with something that is causing these attacks of coldness and despair I have been having.
Though come to think of it, I haven’t had one in a week or so. Hmmm.
Anyhow, I need to go see the doctor about it before hangouts recur, and I keep forgetting to make the appointment, and so on.
And the thing is, I have been here before, and I know what is going on.
My depression and anxiety are getting their way and they love it. And all they have to do to keep getting away with it is use their powers to make me forget to phone the doc.
And that’s easy because making phone calls makes me socially anxious anyway so it’s easy to keep putting it off and telling myself I will do it “soon”.
Well enough of that crap. I just made the goddamned appointment. 2:15 pm tomorrow and that will be the goddamned end of it.
See, my “forgetting” was a victory for my issues because it meant I got to go home earlier and thus was basically an excuse for me to give in to my anxiety and scurry back to my filthy little nest here and play video games.
Going to Felicity’s parent’s place is always stressful for me because I feel so out of place there. Her parents are upper middle class respectable types, and have a very nice home, and I’m just this dirty ol mutt who is scared he is going to wreck stuff and so I am always anxious there.
No wonder it makes me want to run and hide.
But I don’t want to keep giving in to that. It’s cost me a lot of high value social time hanging out with Joe and Felicity watching videos and her kitten Charcoal, and that’s not good for me.
I need all the positive (and a little anxious) social time I can get. It’s the cure for what ails me, and so if I want to stop ailing, I need lots of it.
And that means overcoming this reflexive reaction of mine that views anything that cuts into my copious alone time as some kind of dire threat.
Plot twist : I just realized I have a chest cold. My lungs feel heavy and scratchy and my nose is running and I am feeling a little dizzy.
So now I might not be able to go to Felicity’s show with her, and I feel awful about that because I feel like I am being a bad friend.
Plus, after everything I have just said, I’m suspicious of myself. I am pretty sure my subconscious mind is not just manufacturing symptoms to get me out of a somewhat stressful social situation, but I can’t be totally sure.
Man it sucks to be me sometimes.
More after the break.
Well I didn’t go. No big surprise there.
And I feel really bad about it. And a lot of that bad feeling is guilt, even though there was nothing I could have done about it.
Would you believe I actually thought about just not telling Felicity that I felt sick? That would have been wildly irresponsible and I would have felt SUPER guilty if I ended up giving her something she then passed on to her parents, but for a minute or two, it seemed like the only way out.
Thankfully, I got over it.
Another part of the bad feeling is disappointment. I was looking forward to the show. I was especially looking forward to being there for Felicity, which is probably a big part of why I feel guilty for not being there even though I can’t.
She’s been so supportive of my getting into standup that I wanted to pay it back so bad.
Speaking of which, I have been pondering what is next for my journey into funnyman land. I feel like I want to go away from the joke-teller style a little and try something a little less formal and a little more chatty.
I think that would maximize my appeal to the audience as well as take me in the direction of developing a unique voice.
Sort of like I am the audience’s gay best friend. Sort of thing.
Like Buddy Cole, but less camp and more intellectual.
Also wondering about going political. On the one hand, I have SO MUCH TO SAY ABOUT POLITICS. And I could do some epic rants. Or I could do it satirical style. And I know my perspective is fresh and unique and I have killer insights.
But, like, everyone is talking about politics these days. And I don’t want to end up being angry and bitter for a living. I especially don’t want to become just another voice howling into the wind of the shitstorm that is modern political life.
So I would have to find some kind of middle ground where I can throw my political speech hand grenades without getting caught in the blast, or ending up leaving comedy entirely and becoming some kind of deranged demagogue.
I just have to remember that no matter where I end up, ALWAYS BE FUNNY.
I think I can probably manage that.
I well talk to you nice people again tomorrow.