Rescheduled my doctor’s appointment. Now it’s set for tomorrow at 2:30 pm.
Originally, it was at 2:15 pm today, the 10th of December. But I woke up today feeling sicker than yesterday and that made the prospect of taking the bus to the doctor seem like a bad risk.
It’s not the bus, it’s the waiting outside in the cold for the bus that worried me.
So, ironically, I was too sick to go to the doctor. Hopefully, Joe will be able to drive me there n’ back. He had a conflicting doctor’s appointment today.
I feel pretty out of it at the moment. Took my sleepytime pills this morning. Good for me. It had been a while.
And so far, no radical deep sleep that leaves me feeling all fucked up. Just some trouble concentrating and a bit of a disconnected, “my head is a balloon” feeling.
It ain’t that bad.
So I done fucked up again.
This time I forgot to work Xmas shopping into my budget and my plans, so now I am going to have to tapdance a bit to get my shopping done.
It’s no big deal, it just bugs me that I was so clueless and careless. Normally I am smarter than that.
But well. executive dysfunction is a bitch. I have been more or less ignoring Xmas as it lurches towards us, and it took this long for the option paralysis inherent in the issue to thaw to the point where it became a real thing with which I was attempting to cope.
Oh well, it will all work out fine. Just a little bump on the road.
I feel dumb but it will pass.
It always does.
Let’s talk about Delilah.
It started when I was getting my ass kicked repeatedly by a large number of Fiends (gang of bandits, sadly, not demons) and no matter what I did , having that many people after me and shooting at me was just plain more than I can handle.
So I looked up companion mods, as I never seem to run across any in the game proper. I had already tried the top rated one, Willow, and she was cool and good in a fight, but I have been there, done that for enough time that it was time to move on.
So I got Delilah. On paper, she seemed fabulous. A young amateur healer looking to work her way up to being a real desert MD? Someone to patch me up after every fight? Sounds pretty good to me.
But then I installed her and her speech was atrocious.
I was not entirely surprised. The words “fully voiced” in a mod’s description have started to fill me with dread because of things like this.
Because ya know, these things aren’t being “fully voiced” by professional actors. It’s just some nerd or his girlfriend or best bud reluctantly reading words into someones cheapass computer microphone.
And wow does it show with Delilah. Her voice lines are delivered in such a bored and emotionless voice that a monotone would actually have more life to it.
AND it was recorded badly in someone’s closet, at such a low bit rate you could probably scribbling the sound wave down by hand.
So, bye bye, Delilah. Amazing to think of how highly rated that mod was.
I mean, who could put up with THAT?
Back again. Man, does it suck to be sick.
Especially the joint stiffness. That… that is new. I move and walk like a little old man now, and for the same reason. Every large movement happens in slow motion, and I feel very frail and vulnerable.
And I could be wrong, but I associate joint stiffness with the more serious sort of infectious disease, not a common chest cold.
Like it doesn’t belong on the list with “cough, sniffle, sore throat, phlegm”, it belongs the list that’s more like “shortness of breath, spontaneous bruising, yellow skin, thick tellow discharge coming from all orifices, some of which now speak. ”
That’s probably just my latent hypochondria talking though. Whatever happens, whatever the doctor says, that is what I will go with.
Otherwise I will descend unto madness again and I never, ever, EVER want to be in that particular hell I was in after I got taken out of college again.
Speaking of my doctor, I am going to take some of the pain and anger generated by being sick and use it to power a willingness to tell Doctor Chao that he is not going to ride roughshod over me again and that this time he is going to sit still and actually listen to what I have to say and give me a well thought out diagnosis instead of just saying whatever it takes to get me out the door fastest so he can work on real patients.
I will even bring up discrimination against the mentally ill (depression), the handicapped (same), and the obese.
I am determined to get proper health care this time and I am in just enough of a cranky mood to get it done, too.
I mean, Doctor Chao seems like a very nice fellow. But they all end up taking advantage of me eventually. They sense that they can rush me and I will be too slow and timid to complain when they speed me out the door so they can treat someone who matters;.
I don’t matter. Or at least, that’s what a lifetime of being treated like I don’t matter has taught me. I’m worthless, I am unimportant, I have a zero priority value, I don’t count, I don’t matter, and quite frankly, shouldn’t even be here.
In the ledger of life, I am a massive liability.
That’s what my emotional programming tells me, and is taking me a very long time to reprogram myself. I still find it very hard to imagine anyone thinking I have value and actually wanting my to be around.
Even though objectively, they sure as heck do.
Maybe I need to learn to truly see myself as others see me.
But I am scared of what I might see.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.