I may have spoken about this here before. If so, I apologize. But I feel the need to organize and express myself on the subject right now.
Basically, these are the thoughts that want out right now.
The fundamental truth is that talent is not fair. It’s not fair that someone who has worked very hard for years to master their specialty can be outshone by some naturally talented motherfucker like me for whom it is barely even a thing.
As patient readers know. this came to a head when I was in university with my brother in the early Nineties. We ended up in the same course together, and that was not a good thing, in retrospect.
Because then he got to see me in action, so to speak. He would work and study incredibly hard and I would do my usual absolutely nothing and I would still get a higher mark on the test.
Galling, to say the least. My brother got quite angry with me. At the time it seemed unfair, and I suppose it still is.
After all, it’s not like I did it on purpose just to hurt him. I was just me being me.
But I totally understand. Watching his little brother – you know, that dingus he’s repeatedly had to stop from walking into traffic absentmindedly – do better than him without effort must have been horrible for him.
And it must have been the same (though not as bad) for all the keener kids in every class I have ever taken (save the few where I crashed and burned). To see this absolute mess of a person who can barely keep this pants up and often doesn’t seem to know what planet he is on consistently do better than you when you work your butt off must seem like the height of injustice.
The fulcrum of the phenomenon is the labour theory of value. The easiest and most natural way for humans to assign value is via labour. That means that effort is rewarded proportionally to its degree.
That’s why we perpetually tell ourselves people got ahead via “hard work” even when that is patently and obviously untrue.
To face reality on that issue would be devastating.
And talent works the same way. I did absolutely nothing to “earn” my gifts. I have always found school incredibly easy. There was never a time when I worried about tests or sweated over assignments.
I forgot about the test until it was placed in front of me? Still got an A.
I turned in first drafts of assignments. Still got an A.
I pointed out an error the teacher had made and lightning completely failed to strike me dead on the spot. And I still got an A.
So a lot of people probably hated my guts. And yet, I didn’t do anything wrong. I just used my gifts like anyone else.
My gifts just happened to be a lot bigger than most.
And they still are.
And that just plain isn’t fair.
More after the break.
Listen up – Mother Earth will be fine.
Really. We humans are good at fucking things up, but nature adapts. Life persists. There’s been lots of mass extinctions that nearly wiped out life on earth, but life is tenacious, so every time it came back stronger than ever.
And the critters? They will be fine too, in the long run. Sure, we have wiped out whole species with the stroke of a pen, but the critters and the plants and the weird extremeophile critters that aren’t anything we recognize will survive whatever we do to their environments in one form or another.
So don’t worry about the Earth and the plants and the trees and the animals. They will survive our bullshit just fine.
We, however, might be totally fucked.
We’re the biggest threat to ourselves humanity has ever known. As long as we let assholes like the Koch brothers corrupt our politics and hence our policies, we will continue to shit where we eat as a species and if modern civilization goes down the drain as a result, we will only have ourselves to blame.
And when out children and our grandchildren get tired of our stories about how good things used to be and turn to us and ask, “Why did you let it happen? Why weren’t you doing everything you could to stop it?”, what will we say?
Because I guarantee you, whatever we say, it won’t be enough.
More after a surprise second break.
I am having a hell of a hard time deciding whether or not to do comedy tonight.
On the one hand, I feel awful. Tired, sore, stiff, weak, and it feels like my chest is full of cold suet pudding.
Don’t look it up. It’s awful.
Logically and sensibly, I should stay the fuck home to rest and recuperate. The weather outside is truly evil, with that cold drizzling rain that sucks the heat from your bones. Even healthy people should think twice before going out in all that.
But god damn it, I don’t want to miss a chance to perform. These sorts of things only become ingrained habits and the new normal via repetition and I really don’t want to lose the momentum I have been building.
And there’s something truly noble about performing despite being sick. It could make for a really great anecdote some day.
And if I end up getting pneumonia as a result, that would make it….fairly stupid. Still noble, but also stupid.
So I don’t know.
Of course the Forces of Evil in my mind are like “No, stay home, where it’s safe and warm and we have you all to ourselves! *high pitched evil laughter*”.
And that makes me suspicious of myself again.
But there is only so much doubt I can take. Past a certain point, I just have to trust that what I am feeling is real and act accordingly.
And that means I am definitely not going on stage tonight.
Probably. Well, maybe.
Honestly, I have no fucking idea.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.