First, let’s get the obligatory music link out of the way :
But what I really want to talk about starts with this video :
OK, so maybe watching that video was not a good idea for me, a highly neurotic person who has been in therapy for a real long time and might be prone to wondering if they themselves were a lost cause.
Too late now. Damage is done.
And I don’t think I am a lost cause, but the remarks about the patients who are in therapy forever and who just rehash the same stuff over and over struck home.
And it made me wonder about my own situation, where I see my therapist almost every week and yet I have flat out told him that “doing things” is not an option for me because “doing things” is my whole problem and it’s just not going to happen.
That seems like a pretty defeatist and ignorant attitude to take to me now. I mean, what’s a therapist even supposed to do with that?
And this is where the freeze frame comes in, because that is what is stopping me. When I even think of doing something outside the apartment, something that would expand my world, I freeze up inside.
And I don’t know how to fix that. There is no direct, blunt force attack way to overcome it. I can’t blast it away with passion or smash it with willpower or dissect it with analysis or overwhelm it with an application of sheer intellect. I can’t charm it or amuse it or distract it away.
And that’s pretty much my entire toolkit.
I only unfreeze when I am sure the “predator” – which in this case is the prospect of leaving my teeny tiny comfort zone – is gone.
And that’s pure instinct and emotion, which operate well below the level my powerful conscious mind can access.
Trying to grasp them consciously feels like I am trying to grab at something frozen deep in crystal clear ice. I can see it. It’s right there. But I can’t reach it or even touch it.
And my hands go numb when I try.
In that situation, I don’t know what I can do beyond therapy and blogging. I try to imagine possibilities and all I get is more numbing cold blasts of ice cold fear.
There’s always the litany of things I “could do”. Promote this blog. Apply for writing jobs. Get back into freelancing. Start a podcast. Lose all respect for myself and sell my body on the street.
But I can’t do those things. The ice prevents me.
Maybe if I can hold one of them in my mind for long enough, it will melt, and become possible for me.
Now all I have to do is pick one…..
More after the break.
Pretty fucking depressed right now.
More chemical bullshit. Such is my life. Right now I feel like I would do anything just to be able to feel something right now.
That suggests that depression and numbness are linked – that the more numb you become, the more depressed you express.
Or something like that.
I just keep waking up like this. And it sucks. Maybe my sleep apnea is getting worse and I feel this bad because I need some fucking oxygen.
Seems as likely as anything else.
My head hurts too, which is consistent with low oxygen. Or sinus pressure. Or a million billion other things.
The easy answer would be that I am depressed because I am all alone on Xmas Eve. And I am sure that doesn’t help, but honestly, I don’t think that is really it.
This is a lot deeper and more primal than that. I would pay a lot of money for it to be something as simple and sensible as loneliness.
I feel so very small right now. Just like before. Small and scared and fragile and wanting to scream bloody murder into the cold night air just to express all the fucked up feelings rolling and roiling inside me right now.
Yawning big time now. Yup, it’s the oxygen thing.
Did Xmas with the roomies today. Got Joe some mp3s, Felicity will be getting a boxed set of Galaxy Rangers (great show) DVDs, and Julian will get a wallet I bought for myself but decided I did not like.
I know that sounds bad but trust me, it’s what he wants.
They pooled their resources and got me a $50 Steam gift card. I have used it to purchase and download a game with the highly unlikely name “Disco Elysium”.
No, it’s not a music or dancing game.
Other than that, I dunno, because I haven’t played it yet. Other things keep popping up and getting in the way. I will try it soon, though, and likely report my impressions here.
I got it because it sounds interesting and the reviews are spectacular. It has a Metacritic score of 91 percent, which is pretty frigging rare.
We will see how I take to it. Worst case scenario, I end up not liking it and return it and find something else to play.
Not going to try it when I am still feeling like I feel right now, though. Right now I hate everything and everyone.
Not the ideal setup for trying new things, especially when you tend to vacillate between neophobia and neophilia like I do.
I wonder how much getting home oxygen would cost me. I could really go for some of the straight up pure stuff right about now.
Yawning is taking too fucking long.
Well, Merry Effing Christmas to me, I guess. I can hear people partying in my apartment complex. Must be nice to have people to be with tonight.
Instead, I am all alone, as usual. The lonely little boy out in the dark and the cold, looking in on the warm welcoming world he’s never been a part of, wondering what it would be like to truly be alive.
Slowly freezing to death.
I will talk to you nice people on Christmas Day.