In other words, more stuff about my Mars being in Pisces.
Like I said before, Mars is not happy in Pisces. Fire and water don’t mix. At best, there are times when I can harness my Rising Sign of Cancer to rally together with the Mars in Pisces and get a good head of steam going.
From an artcle on The Astro Codex :
A Mars in Pisces person can be lacking self-confidence, especially if the native is a male
…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/
Yo. I resemble that.
Thus, the native does not learn how to fight in life, frequently being afraid to take decisions.
…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/
The article is talking about Mars in Pisces with a weak father figure. They are talking about fathers into substance abuse and such, but it also works for my situation, namely that I had a father with anger control issues who scared me too much for me to even begin to bond with him and he spent very little time guiding me or helping me.
I will give him credit, though. He tried. He took me and my brother Dave out shooting (at tin cans and bottles only, of course). He got me to help him in his little work shop. He took me on that trip in 88. He really did try.
But those were isolated incidents. Even when it was just him and me watching the news, I was still scared of him, and that meant I could never really connect with him.
I was just too sensitive and frankly wimpy for the kind of fathering he could provide. And I know I have suffered because of that. If things had been different, perhaps he would have taught me to be tougher and face the world head on more often.
Instead, I am deep and sensitive but also weak and timid.
Very Mars in Pisces.
Luckily, I don’t have trouble sticking up for myself when challenged. Direct challenges are not just easy for me, I enjoy them way too much. I am not the sort that gets pushes around or intellectually bullied.
Hmmm. The article says the best way to strengthen my weak psyche is through exercise. I am going to have to think that over.
Then there’s this :
This natal placement can make an individual hold his anger inside, which is definitely not the best thing to do for long. As this energy searches desperately ways to come out, it might affect the chart bearer’s body through psychological problems, fears and nightmares…
…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/
Boy, does that ever apply to me. I have never been comfortable expressing my anger on a personal level. I can passionately defend my ideals all day, and of course I love to argue, and will come to the defense of others without hesitation or fear.
But my own personal anger about things that have been done to me and all the emotional inputs that I never got in my life?
That’s hard, man.
More after the break.
Let’s talk about keeping in contact.
I am not good at it. It’s a shyness thing. It is very, very hard for me to initiate contact with me. I always feel like I will be interrupting them. Like I am barging in to their busy and important lives and they will resent it and wish I would leave them alone.
Plus I have never had a lot of initiative to begin with. Probably another Mars in Pisces thing. So it’s hard for me to initiate damn near anything, really.
It can be so hard simply to decide to do something.
Because I know this about myself, I have often felt guilty about all the people in my life with whom I have lost contact and lack the chutzpah to regain it. I always imagine that these people think I hate them or that I don’t give a shit about them or something equally horrifying, and have given up on me.
It’s not true, of course. But I still feel guilty.
But here’s the thing. I am not the only one who can contact people. If they wanted contact with me, they could take it upon themselves to make the first move.
And if they do, they will get my usual enthusiastic warm greeting, and I will be genuinely delighted to hear from them.
So clearly, none of these semi-mythical people miss contact with me all that much. Not enough to actually be bothered to drop me a line and say hello.
So it’s not all my fault, anyhow. People just aren’t all that keen to deal with me.
That’s both better and worse.
More wet Martian stuff :
In their attempt to not hurt others, they may hurt themselves.
…Copyright (©) https://theastrocodex.com – Read more at https://theastrocodex.com/natal-mars-in-pisces/
Look. If it’s a choice between hurting others and hurting myself, I will hurt myself every single time. And I will feel noble and justified in doing so.
I refuse to pass the pain along. It dies in me. I will not perpetuate the cycle of victimization by injecting my pain into some else’s veins. It stops right here.
And if that means I carry that shit till the day I die, fine.
I will die knowing I subtracted some pain from the world.
That does leave the question of how the bad stuff is supposed to get out, though.
Venting on deserving targets is one solution. Of course, the real deserving targets are the people who neglected and mistreated me.
But the big one, my preschool rapist, is not available because I don’t even know who he is. I don’t remember a face, even.
My bullies didn’t exactly go on to wonderful lives. All the teachers that could not be bothered to care for or defend me are probably dead by now. I could hurl a lot of thunderbolts at my family but I don’t want to face the blowback and I don’t want to lose what little connection with them I have.
So where does all my anger go?
Well I am a writer. So I suppose I could write a thinly-disguised tell-all novel.
Call it Summerside Place.
I wonder how much I will get for the movie rights….
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.