In fact, fuck off entirely. Thanks.
Another sleepy day. A doozy of one, actually, seeing as I went to bed at 9 am and didn’t wake up till almost 3 pm.
That’s around six hours of sleep, and I am still pretty sleepy. I would definitely still be asleep if I hadn’t needed to eat and blog.
And it’s tempting to blame my sleeping pill, but this shit happens whether I am taking it or not. At least I am getting better quality sleep on the pill.
And like I usually say, I wish I could just relax and enjoy being sleepy and soft and mellow, but I can’t. I am too inherently restless (so to speak) and ornery and I want to stay awake and do stuff and have fun.
For example, I would much rather stay awake and make today’s video. Dunno what it will be about yet but I have some ideas. It will probably be a talker – just me talking, with some photos here and there to keep things from being too dry.
But who knows, maybe I will get super ambitious and make something snazzier.
I need to believe that all this sleep is getting me somewhere. That I am paying off sleep debt and therefore. at some point, I will have caught up on sleep and feel a whole lot better as a result.
Otherwise, what’s the fucking point?
Man, are the words not coming easy right now. It’s like pulling teeth. From a crocodile. To whom you owe money.
And I am only half way there.
I could,I suppose.stop early and catch up later, like I did yesterday, but that was an emergency. I am not that far gone yet. I will keep typing until I make my 500.
205 to go.
Dunno the state of my diabetes since I can’t get a reading via the glucometer. I have cut back on the carbs a fair bit but I don’t think it’s enough.
So right now, my policy is to take insulin when I get the demon hunger. That special kind of hunger that feels like starvation, complete with hunger pangs, but is actually a result of all my cells starving for energy.
Nope, don’t think I am going to make it. Gonna have to stop at 400 again. This can’t get to be a habit. I can’t afford the loss of self-esteem.
But I just can’t think of anything more to say.
More after the break.
Here I am again, with 586 words to write in the early evening.
This is not what i intended to be doing now. I meant to be doing “primary photography” on my latest video right now, but the sunlight is making weird patterns on my face again and I already used that joke about the Borg.
I could use my bit about being photocopied, but I am not looking to make that kind of video tonight. I know what I will be talking about and it’s serious. Ish.
Mostly serious. Anyhow, I am not going to talk about that topic here because, as we all know, if I talk about it here, I won’t talk about it there.
The only way this works is if the finished product, or at least the finished first draft or raw versions, is the only way for these thoughts and feelings to escape my mind.
If there is an easier and more immediately satisfying escape route, like by writing about it or even just talking about it with someone, I will take it, and that produces nothing.
That’s why I have kind of always understood why the brilliant detective doesn’t explain his theories to people in the middle of the adventure.
I mean, of course, in the real world it’s to build suspense.
But fictionally, it’s because the detective knows that explaining things will slow down the hunt, but even worse, release the impetus to drive towards the solution.
Building up to the moment of arrest must be very satisfying.
So no, I won’t discuss it here. But being the overflowing chatterbox that I am, I feel comfortable in talking about not talking about it.
After all, the Beast must be fed.
The Beast, in this case, being my blog, These days, having a mere once a day schedule for publication seems like a luxury compared to the non stop schedule that today’s journalists face.
And I am a journalist. After all, this blog is my journal, so I must be a journalist.
When you ask people what is wrong with journalism today, they will inevitably mention the 24 hour news cycle, but I don’t think people really get what that means.
It means the Beast is always hungry. Whether it’s a website or vlog or even an old fashioned newspaper, there is no period of time in which the Beast is sated for the day and you can relax.
This is compounded by the fact that in the world of the internet, if you are writing for a popular website, there is a direct relationship between publishing something new and getting ad revenue for it.
In other words, every time a popular website publishes something, they make money. So does the person who wrote it.
And if there is something capitalism loves, it’s things that make money for you every time you do them.
Turns even highly talented and respectable writers into lever-pressing rats more interested in getting that next sweet, sweet reward than maintaining any kind of standards or integrity.
A saint would crumble under that level of temptation.
There is a limit, of course. If standards get too low, the audience will go elsewhere and the cash cow will die a fast and messy death.
But if you are wondering why your favorite website has gone way downhill lately (I am looking at you, Cracked.com), now you know.
It’s because every time they press that lever, money comes out.
So who cars whether you are pressing it well, so long as you are pressing it often.
And now ya know.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.