Continuing from last night :
So I have discovered this rich and throbbing vein of elitist rage and disgust in myself.
Because the truth is, I don’t want average people to be close to me. At all.
Seriously, fuck those people. They don’t get to be close to me. They don’t get to touch me in any way shape or form.
They should be glad that I am such a nice dude that I always treat them with courtesy and respect and patience.
Hell, they don’t even get to see the real me. Why would they? They wouldn’t understand it. They wouldn’t “get” me. They would just end up blinking at me like cows watching a passing train and making me feel like an alien.
Trust me, I have copious life experience to back that up. So many times where I tried my best to express myself and got nothing but blank stares and severe alienation.
So to hell with them. Get the fuck out of my mind space, you fucking peasants.
An unparalleled genius walks among you, and the fact that you can’t see that or understand it is your problem, not mine.
I’m the smartest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen. I am, in fact, smarter than less then one percent of the human race. My mind operates on levels so far above anything you can conceive that you might as well be ants trying to understand algebra.
And I am so very tired of stooping down to your level. I am so very tired of trying to be nonthreatening and I am especially tired of pretending to be one of you.
I’m not one of you. From your point of view, I am, at best, a friendly freak. And I don’t want to be one of you.
I have higher ambitions than that.
So you know what? Yes, I do look down on you average people from Olympian heights. How could I not? I’ve been smarter than everyone except my friends and family for my whole life, very much including my childhood, and I am done with trying to hide or not draw attention to this fact in order to stick out less.
It’s not working. It was never going to work. No matter where I go or what I do, I am going to stick out like I was covered in neon signs, so I might as well just do as I please and let the Lilliputians get in my way at their own peril.
And like I have said before, I don’t give a fuck if my brilliance makes someone feel stupid. You know why?
Because compared to me, they are.
I don’t hold it against others when they are better in the many skills I lack,. I don’t blame competent people for making me feel incompetent, I don’t blame strong people for making me feel weak, and I don’t blame Idris Elba for making me feel ugly.
So don’t blame me if I made you feel stupid just by being who I am,. Your ego is not my responsibility, and as long as I am not deliberately trying to make you feel bad (and I am not, trust me) your feelings of inadequacy are yours to deal with.
More of this, sadly, after the break.
Actually, fuck that. my mood has changed, the river has flowed onward, the Lords of Flux have rolled their dice dozens of times since then, and I no longer feel like pursuing that particular topic.
Might come back to it, might not.
I hope folks realize that the stuff above the line in today’s post is me venting some very unpleasant emotions I found lying around in my mind and felt I needed to express in order to be rid of them.
Not that I am letting myself entirely off the hook, because everything I said up there is something I actually feel.
But it’s not necessarily who I am, if that makes sense.
I clearly have a lot of long simmering hostility towards others that I have been hiding from everyone, including myself, and no good can come of that.
Venting them removes the tension and energy drain of suppressing them from my mind and gets them out in the open where I can deal with them.
It’s funny.I knew I had a lot of suppressed rage, yet finding out it took the form of such naked hostility and rage still shocked and surprised me.
I guess it’sa lot easier to deal with suppressed anger as an abstract concept than it is to deal with it as a real and current emotion.
And of course I have a lot of hostility towards people and the world. People and the world hurt me a lot when I was a kid. And I felt powerless to do anything about it.
In fact, the real question is why I wasn’t enraged by it at the time. Just too damned timid and weak, I suppose.
Too prone to retreating into myself instead of dealing with things.
Well the long suppressed anger is coming to the fore now and I feel like screaming myself bloody and crushing buildings with mny fists and tearing this shitty old world a new asshole then throttling it.
Pretty sure these are the emotions I was supposed to have in my teens. Well, better late than never,I guess.
I am full of pain and rage and frustration. And I want to take it all out on the world. Punish the world for causing me so much pain by causing it pain in return.
The fact that there is no deserving target handy changes nothing. The fire rages within me nevertheless and it won’t go away until it finds an outlet.
I’m working on it. What I need is to invent some kind of bridge between my angry emotions and the world that lets me vent it all in a safe and responsible way.
Maybe I will start writing really gory horror stories.
But not right now. Right now, I need to lay down in the dark.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.