Just woke up and Jesus Christ do I need a do-over.

I am dizzy and disoriented and my head hurts and it’s very hard to concentrate enough to think of the words for the typing and the blogging and such.

I really just want to go back to sleep, while at the same time being afraid to go back to sleep considering what sleep just did to me.

What I really want is to go to sleep someplace nice. Like a really nice hotel room. Someplace quiet and cool and clean, far away from this god damned toxic life of mine where I wallow in my own filth.

Not because I want to. But because I am too depressed to clean anything myself, and it’s not like anyone else is going to do it for me.

I wonder how much a maid service would cost.

Because everything in my life is filthy. There’s no sheet on my bed for reasons and so I sweat directly onto the mattress cover, and that hasn’t been changed since it first went on there ages ago, back when we lived at Nerdvana at One Road and Francis.

I miss that place. It was much larger and next door to a strip mall.

I never vacuum either. The air in here is dirt. It’s a wonder I can breathe at all. My desk is covered in used Kleenex and pill bottles and other garbage.

And I know the sight of all of this grossness should motivate me to clean so that I can have a nice clean wonderful place to sleep and to live.

I can even feel that motivation trying to break through the thick layers of ice around my heart in order to actually push me into action.

But it doesn’t make it. Instead, I react to all this mess the way I react to everything : I block it out of my mind and retreat deep into my mental prison and ignore it.

Escapism of that sort is truly a terrible affliction. It robs you of nearly all life force by giving you the ability to escape any situation, rather like a drug.

I assume healthy, active people capable of living a decent life do not have that ability, and have to actually deal with things.

Lucky, lucky them.

It all makes me feel so powerless. Like I completely lack agency. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, with all this power at my command, and yet all I do is hide from the world by playing video games all the god damned time.

And I want to push against this evil force, but it hurts so bad when I do. Like trying to walk on a broken leg.

I really wish I could believe in some higher power that could give me the strength buck the trend long enough to reverse it.

But all I have is myself,and that it not nearly enough.

More after the break.

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Just another comatose Monday

Unlike previous Mondays,I have not forgotten about the weekly Zoom meeting hosted by R. Graeme Cameron going on right now.

I’ve just been sleeping all god damned day, and there’s no end in sight.

Oh well, at least it’s a more healthy kind of sleepy now. The kind that feels warm and cozy and languid and relaxed, as opposed to the kind that feels like I am fighting to stay alive while a curse is trying to turn me into a zombie.

I had a dream like that once. It was kinda badass.

So at least there is a chance that when I inevitably go back to sleep (grr), it will be that rarest of things for me : good, healthy, restorative sleep.

Usually the best my sleep can do is “not actively hellish”.

But it’s the Zoom meeting thing that is really pissing me off because I really want to do. The attendees are all smart, nerdy, intellectually lively people and the conversations I have had when I managed to attend have been superb.

And as patient readers know, highly quality conversation is my favorite thing ever.

But I keep sleeping all day on Mondays and it’s pissing me off, god dammit. I want to be having nerdy conversation, not dancing with death in my sleep all damned day.

And here I thought it was bad when all it did was keep me from playing video games.

This frigging sucks.

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Finished Assassin’s Creed : Revelations and have moved on to Assassin’s Creed : Black Flag, aka The One Where You’re A Pirate.

Technically, the next game in the series is Assassin’s Creed 3, aka the American Revolution one. But it was weirdly expensive when I checked, and I have been wanting to be a pirate Assassin for a while now so I decided to skip ahead.

Black Flag is…. different. They rearranged the controls. I rearranged some of them back to what I am used to from the four other games in the series I have played.

Had one issue : it wouldn’t let me remap something to the Caps Lock key.Usually,that’s how I get around the fact that my left shift key doesn’t work.

But it’s also easier for my big fat fingers to reach.

But whatever. Found a substitute which I will adjust to over time.

The changes to the combat system are harder to take. There no more Counter-Kills, which combined countering attacks with killing, and that was the core of my fighting style up until now.

It works out well for me because letting the other guy make the first moveis highly compatible with slow old guy reflexes.

Now I have to actually, like, think about stuff. Geez.

But I am sure I will adjust. And so far, the plot is interesting. My character is a somewhat hotheaded young man who signed up to be a “privateer” (god damn them all) but at the very start of the game, you (sigh) get shipwrecked.

Because if it’s an even vaguely nautical game, it’s going to start with a shipwreck,

Game designers just can’t help themselves.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.