That’s how I’m feeling right now. I feel very blocked and tender and reluctant.
It’s actually almost interesting how strong the feeling is. I mean, I usually have times when I really don’t feel like blogging and the words, they do not come easy.
But right now, it feels like every single word is being ripped out of my flesh, and that is a new and fascinating sensation.
Also, very painful.
My friend Windchaser wants to play a game called Dungeons and Dragons Online with me, so I downloaded it and gave it a try.
Can’t say I like it. The controls are strange… somehow I feel like my movements are always too slow and too fast at the same time.
And the graphics are….; antique. Which is pretty weird looking at high res. I can’t decide whether they deliberately went for an old-school look similar to all those SSI D&D games from the 90’s (which I never cared for), or whether they just suck.
These and other factors combined make me not really want to play the damned thing any more. Which puts me in an awkward position re : Windchaser.
I mean, I could just tell her I didn’t like it, and she would accept that. But I would feel terribly guilty about it because I know she has been trying to get closer to me (in her own way) for a while and that this, therefore, is a high stakes gambit for her.
And the thought of crushing her hopes like that makes me sick to my stomach.
So I guess I will end up playing it with her and keeping my big mouth shut about it.
And I think that will be good for me. Part of recovery for me is learning to make room for other people in my life instead of treating everything (and everyone) like they are entertainment that I can turn off when it no longer amuses me.
That’s the problem with living a solitary life where all you do is entertain yourself. You lose the ability to compromise and make accommodations for others because it’s been a long time since you had to share.
That’s a tough thing to face in oneself,. especially for a big ol squishy liberal like me, but no growth can come from denial, and what I need most right now is growth.
Remember, the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s vitality.
It started with Maelkoth. Every time we part, I’m the one who instigates it, and he (in a cute and funny way) begs me to stay, and I sort of laugh it off and leave anyway.
And that is really starting to bother me. Not just that I do it, but that until recently I did it in such a thoughtless and cavalier way.
So I have been doing a lot of soul searching about it. Like, what’s up with that?
I know part of it is my inability to truly believe that people want me around. And a younger, less thoughtful version of me would have accepted that glib and facile answer and blithely continued hurting people.
But now I know there is so much more to it than that.
People really enjoy having me around. No wonder – I am a pretty special guy. I have never met anyone quite like me. I have a lot of light and love and laughs to give.
And when I go, “Well, it’s time for me to go. Bye bye!”, it must really hurt.
I want to learn the art of leaving slowly.
Because I really don’t want to hurt those who care for me.
That shit’s got to stop.
And I’m the only one who can stop it.
More after the break.
Are we still here?
We are? Yay!
Had an internet (Internet?) outage.Rebooting didn’t fix it. So I went to reboot the router.
But I could not find it/. Sometimes I forget what a clutter hurricane hoarder’s paradise this place is because I know where to find the stuff I normally use.
I’m as clutter blind as anyone on that score.
But this place is jam packed with stuff for which we have no use and yet retain instead of just donating it to Value Village or whatever.
If it was my stuff, most of it would have been long gone by now. I don’t like clutter and I especially do not like having so little space to start with and having said space jam packed with stuff absolutely everywhere.
And is add to my stress, man.
Anyhow, back to the topic at hand.
Can’t handle it
Like I have said before, I am not sure I can handle the responsibility that comes with my various powers and abilities.
I have a lot of power in this brain of mind, and not just intellectually. I have a strong effect on people. I have charm and charisma galore, for instance, that I have never even began to use precisely because I was too scared of the responsibility.
And with me, power is always exactly proportional to responsibility. To a fault, perhaps.
I have definitely wondered if I would be better off behaving irresponsibly. If I just concentrated on expressing myself and “being me” without worrying about the consequences to others.
I mean, I could never completely abandon responsibility. I am too empathic for that.Soif I am hurting someone in realtime, I will know, and suffer with them.
But I can easily see myself living a heedless existence where I don’t sick around to experience the consequences of my actions.
I just skate on blithely, spreading sunshine and ignoring the crashes and bangs of things falling apart in my wake.
That sounds distressingly good to me. File it under FEBM for Fuck Everybody But Me.
It’s tempting. But for now, at least, I am going to keep trying to be a good person.
Save the giving up on all forms of moral restraint for when I am rich.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.