Here’s the sitch :
I’ve not had a lot of sleep. Been too agitated. Got maybe an hour and a half between 8 am and 10 am and that’s it. Not been able to sleep since.
Plus there is this rolling anxiety attack dogging my heels. {{1} It keeps trying to rus h the gates of my mind when it feels like I am not paying attention, and maybe getting past the outer gate but my inner defenses against that shit are very strong and act very fast, so the anxiety doesn’t get very far.
I mean, on a certain level, I do kind of feel like I am going crazy and/or manic, but that’s just life casa del me.
I am loco in the cabeza, after all.
In fact, my current mental state could easily be interpreted as some kind of waking nightmare where I am strapped to the front of a speeding locomotive and headed straight for a very thick brick wall.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
I can instead do my level best to harness this energy both for getting things done and for elevating my mood.
I mean, come on, mania can be hella fun!
I am in the process of trying to teach myself to summon and harness much larger amounts of personal energy than I am used to.
And this is both a result of and a good time to practice doing that.
I mean,what’s the worst that could happen? I end up in too good a mood?
I can live with that. Might make a nice change.
I’ve certainly gone the other way often enough.
So when I feel my energy surge, I try to redirect it into filling myself with sunshine. more or less. It’s a crude process so far but it’s early days yet, and I am confident that this new instrument of mine will grow in power and sophistication over time.
And for that matter, there are far worse things than crashing and burning.
Like being dead inside. For example.
No doubt, some time soonish, I will feel terrible again.That’s just how these things go. Ups and downs, valleys and troughs, amplitude varying over time.
And I am well and truly sick of hugging the baseline. Of preferring to have no highs in order to keep from having lows.
Fuck that noise. I want to live. And that means losing my fear of amplitude. It means prising my stiff and frozen fingers from the icy cliff face to which I have clung for so very long and if I fall, I fall.
Sure, it might hurt. I might lie on a ground a while, getting my breath back.
But then I can finally get up on my own two feet, dust myself off, and take a good look around at life.
And all these moving pictures I control instead of living life can recede to their proper place as something one does between life events, not instead of.
Dunno what I will do when I am done part 1 of blogging.
Maybe I will gather all my energies and merge them with the Great Cosmic Frequency and become eternally one with the harmonics of the universe.
Maybe I will let my mind expand to encompass all the living creatures on Earth and truly understand that we are all just the universe experiencing itself and that all our petty divisions and conflicts are nothing but illusions, man.
Or maybe I’ll just finger my butthole and giggle.
ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO THE TRULY FREE!
More after the break.
The fucking heat
It stresses me out.
Physically, I mean. When it is super hot out, I struggle to remain hydrated. If I fuck that up – and all it takes is forgetting to refill my water glass for like ten minutes – then I get my gods be damned heat stroke.
Which means I get a throbbing headache that makes me feel nauseous and dizzy and is oriented and maybe just the tiniest bit homicidal
It’s a really bad head trip. Is what I am saying.
And I got my propensity for heat stroke from my late father. He liked to tell the story of the time when he was on the roof doing some shingling on a hot August day when the heat stroke hit him and he realized that a rooftop is a very bad place to be when you are dizzy and nauseous and disoriented.
It was a very bad situation. Could have ended badly. But luckily he was eventually able to make to the ladder and then go down it very, very slowly and carefully, and then he went inside and drank some ice water and cursed himself, good-naturedly, for being a god damned idiot.
I can relate, totally. It never happened to me on a rooftop, but it happened to me while riding my bike in traffic, and that’s pretty freaking bad too.
I’ve never had the nerves for being a true urban biker anyhow. I can’t share the road with cars when I am on a bike,.
I think I lack the requisite faith in either humanity or my reflexes.
Today’s been reasonably okay. Still working on putting my energies to work pumping up my mood instead of just making me a jittery nervous wreck.
Still, I am beginning to worry that my mental state is wearing thin from lack of quality sleep, so tomorrow morning I will – sigh – take my sleeping pill.
I don’t want to. But I gotta.
I realized today that being all super sleepy doesn’t just make me mad because I would rather be having fun – it scares the shit out of me.
When I keep getting dragged back into sleep when I feel like I only barely made it out alive the first time, part of me is convinced that this time it’s going to finish me off.
Annihilation. A fait accompli.
Explains why I used to sleep on the couch sometimes when I lived with Eamon. Sleeping someplace different and fresh made a huge difference.
Something to think about in the future.
Now, I’m going to lay down with my head in a fan.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.
[[1]] And also heeling my dogs. Which is presumptuous and rude [[1]]