Feeling more twitchy and pissed off lately.
Got that feeling like I want to scream in someone’s face. My natives are restless as fuck. I feel tense and unsettled and irritable.
Pain probably has a lot to do with that. I feel tired and achy. Presumably my antibiotic, Cefixime (Ce? Fix I/Me!) is waging war with my bladder infection and such warzones are not always happy places to be.
Go pill go! Kick that motherfucker out. I am tired of feeling sick and I hate having to get up and go pee so often.
It’s like I have the bladder of a hummingbird, for fuck’s sake.
Oh well. I will send some Tylenol after the aches, and soldier on.
Mood wise, other than the crankiness, I feel… odd. Somewhat alienated and/or dissociated. Kind of in the middle of things without touching anything.
Still have that haunted feeling, although at the moment, I feel more like I am the one doing the haunting.
Some days you’re the ghost, I guess.
Saw a list of signs of dissociation from depression on Facebook. There was about twenty of them. I’ve experienced every single one of them, and some of them are either daily occurrences or background constants of my reality.
So I appreciate the reminder that these things are not, in fact, normal, and that it is in theory possible to live without them.
The prospect of a truly clear mind terrifies and delights me. I get giddy just trying to imagine what that would be like. I have lived in this fog choked field for so long.
Of course, we know the main reason why : my life is so virtual that it’s no wonder that I feel so alienated from reality and disconnected from humanity.
I do it to myself. Some day soon I will stop, or at least push the other way.
Weather is getting nice enough for a tiny excursion into the Very Large Room Full Of Nature And Stuff. If it wasn’t for this damned bladder infection, I would have done it by now. But as it is, I am going to wait till I feel a bit more stable.
Not too long from now, though. A week at most. I took my 3rd of 10 daily Cefixime pills this morning, and hopefully by the time I take the last, I will be cured.
Then I can resume my usual miserable lifestyle.
I clearly have yet to develop my ability to vent my frustrations with my life in an entirely constructive way. Ideally, in a way that leads to things actually becoming better.
What a radical freaking notion.
But at least I don’t take it out on myself much any more. I know that I deserve better than this stinking fucking life.
And who knows, maybe one of these times my rage will actually jump the gap and arc to the other side of my depression and actually start my engine up.
Who knows where I will go then?
More after the break.
Slightly less grumpy
Feeling a tad less cranky than earlier. Still not in the best of moods but at least I don’t feel like screaming in a random stranger’s face any more.
A mildly assertive “Hey!” at best.
Brief break to go eat supper and watch stuff with J&J.
Well, a two and a half hour break. So not that brief. Anyhow.
Still in that weird “middle” mood. But I think I have started to settle down to Earth and thaw out a little, probably because I had a turkey pot pie with supper.
Now that I have my appetite (mostly) back, I am making a deliberate effort to eat some larger than usual meals in order to pump myself back up.
And that definitely means getting back into making and eating at least one Vitamin B12 rich meal a day. I’d been slipping on that front recently and it’s kind of important in that you really, really need it and eating it is the only way to get it.
And I feel a lot better when I get it. Warmer, stronger, more solid.
I should honestly get some with every meal. Which I could do via cheese, I think. Get used to making cheese toast for myself with every meal.
That seems doable and affordable. Of course, our cheese is Kraft singles, and those are basically sliced Cheez Whiz, so I would have to make sure that stuff actually has B12 in it as I am not convinced it qualifies as food.
Sure does taste good, though.
It’s very nice to be able to eat more or less normally again. Right now the main health symptom remaining is trouble urinating. Got that weird sucking feeling in my bladder when I pee, and everything in that area is very tender and sore after.
I honestly think I might have a bladder stone. A big one. That’s what is causing that sucking feeling – the stone is sitting on the exit to the bladder and partially blocking it, causing it to drain very slowly. The sucking feeling is the sensation of the urine creeping past the blockage, creating suction around the rim.
If so, then this Cefixime ain’t gonna do jack shit. It’s not an infection, it’s a rock. It’s going to take mechanical intervention to get rid of it.
Hopefully ultrasound can do the trick. That way they don’t even have to make an incision. Just a few zaps of the right frequency in the right place and the stone is reduced to a fine grit that passes without pain.
Of course, not being a doctor, I could be wrong.
It’s been known to happen.
But I don’t think I am. This problem has been growing for years and I have tried to explain it to various doctors but I can’t seem to get the concept across just by describing my symptoms to people.
Guess it’s time to just tell someone I think it’s a bladder stone and see how they react.
I will talk to all you nice people again tomorrow.