Basically, I’m boneless.

Not literally, of course. That would be horrifying beyond belief. But in the sense of lacking internal structure on a psychological level.

Today was Therapy Thursday. Told Doc Costin about my medical misadventure last weekend. He said that if I think I have a bladder stone, I shouldn’t wait for the medical system to figure it out. I should look up the symptoms myself.

Good point. Like I told him, I guess I just want to be able to trust some authority figure(s) to have my best interests at heart instead of having to fight just to get them to do their goddamned jobs.

Anyhow, we ended up talking about how much trouble I have providing structure for myself, and that led me to this whole boneless thing.

On my own, I’m just a puddle of goo. I can assume any shape or form in order to deal with a specific problem, but only for a moment. Just long enough to deal with the problem. Then it’s goo time again.

And that’s a pretty lousy setup for sanity, let alone trying to actually live a life. Sure, this amazing mind of mine can do a lot of magic, but without a solid structure to build on and a strong engine driving things, it’s all just smoke and mirrors and special effects.

There isn’t even an audience. Well, except for you nice people. 🙂

I told him I was thinking about going back to school. I was surprised by how happy that made him. Apparently he had been wanting me to do that for a long time.

Of course, I’d have to figure out where. I am open to the idea of moving someplace new in order to go to school.

I have the grades and the abilities to go some place that’s actually, like, good. I should probably give that a try.

Of course, it’s hard to start looking for an institution when I don’t even know what it is I want to study yet.

Psychology would be the obvious choice. It’s a subject that I both love and excel at. Every psych prof I have ever had has been astonished by the depth of my insight and the quality of my analysis.

‘Cause I’m awesome like that,

Then again, one thing I discovered at Kwantlen is my dislike for the research aspect of taking psych courses. I will happily learn, analyze, discuss, examine, diagnose, and all the rest, but the whole “put your work in the context of the word of others” thing leaves me colder than cold.

Fuck that. I blaze my own tail. Others can follow me if they like. But I am not going to try to squeeze my big thoughts into their small boxes.

There’s also philosophy, of course. Not exactly a lot of big money careers in that but at least I wouldn’t have to fuck around with research.

I’m a thinker, not a scholar. Knowledge is a mindless thing. A book can know a lot, and it’s just paper and board.

But no book can think new thoughts.

I could take creative writing. I’m certainly good at it. And I think I would enjoy the challenge of writing different kinds of works.

I could probably make quite the impression on the professors, too. And unlike those assholes at VFS, they might even give a damn and be willing to help me get ahead.

And what the hell, I might actually learn something. I am certainly nowhere near as good a writer as I could be, and I would greatly appreciate any help I could get strengthening my writing and getting used to producing good quality work written to a purpose on a regular basis.

Stuff I might actually proofread. Imagine.

So yeah. Creative Writing sounds like a good starting point. Doesn’t seem like it is the kind of thing that leads to a career, but whatever.

I would be quite happy to enter academia and stay there for the rest of my life. I’ve always resisted that idea in the past out of a desire to make it in the “real world”, but you know what?

Fuck the real world. I just wanna get paid.

Besides. I know to my soul that I would be an amazing professor. I have the presence and the charisma and contagious enthusiasm. My methods would be unorthodox but the students would adore me and I would eventually win over all my critics, even that crusty old dean who tries to get me fired.

That might be a movie. Many of them, in fact. But I shittest thou not, I can totally see my actual academic career going more or less that way.

Oh what I could do with a Philosophy 101 class. Those kids are going to learn to think, god damn it, whether they like it or not.

There is also the option of going to a college to learn network administration. I am pretty sure I can handle the technical aspect of it. Underneath the jargon it’s just another system, and I am pretty good at understanding systems.

I doubt I would enjoy the work all that much, though. I mean, troubleshooting would probably keep my interest. That’s a challenge to meet, a problem to solve, a mystery to investigate and solve.

But the routine administration stuff would bore me to tears. As would solving really easy problems all the time. I’d probably end up being one of those guys who automates all the routine tasks and the solutions to routine problems so that I can get paid to sit in front of my computer and play video games all day.

So, like now. But with money.

So I dunno. Creative Writing still seems like the best bet. But I am a very talented dude. So I can apply my extraordinary gifts in a lot of different ways.

Guess I will cogitate upon this mystery some more.

No rush – it’s not like I’m dying or anything.

Oh wait….. um…..

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.