(WARNING : Gross, disturbing medical shit in today’s entry!)

The last 20 hours have been interesting.

It started around 6 pm. I was fully into the mode where I am peeing every ten to fifteen minutes. No fun.

I’m having to strain to get it all out, especially the last 10 percent or so, which takes as longer to get out than the first 90 percent because it will only come out in tiny painful squirts and lazy drips.

So I got to pee one of my many pees at around 6:15 pm when I notice there is a hint of… color, in my urine.

Uh oh. I wait for the next one, and sure enough, there is definitely blood in there. And it only gets worse from there, to the point where I am basically pissing blood.

So I decide this seems like one of those really seriously type symptoms and that therefore it is time for a trip to the ER.

But then I had to poop. And then, poop again. Goddamn constipation.

Eventually, I got dressed and got Julian to drive me to the ER. I was still in “gotta pee” mode, so I had to pee before even going through Admitting, then a bunch of times before triage, and so on.

Looking back, I think it wasn’t the usual need to pee. It’s that my bladder was filling with blood. Hence that being what was coming out of the, er…. faucet.

Look, I warned you this was going to be a nasty one.

So by the time I made it out of the waiting room, it was around 9 pm. I got shifted around a little in the ward but then settled down for the unbounded purgatory that is the emergency room life.

Periodically, people would show up to poke and prod. Got my blood sugar taken a LOT, which is no surprise, seeing as it was 22.7 when I came in and normal is 7.

So, more than triple normal. Not good. Gotta get on that shit. Testing is probably still beyond me now – if anything, getting tested like 10 times while I was there confirmed that. There is no way my dopamine deprived brain can generate enough motivation to overcome having to lance my fingertips regularly.

Fuck that noise.

But injecting insulin is seriously no big deal. It’s absurd that I stopped doing it. Lack of dopamine strikes again.

Well I will fix that god damn it.

Anyhow, after spending from 9 pm Monday to 2 pm Tuesday (today) in the freaking ER, the doctor says she has referred me to a urologist who will take it from there.

And she almost slipped away on me like so many have before but this time, to my credit, I stopped her and asked her why I had been peeing blood.

She said, basically, that they did not know. They were going with the theory that it was an infection and putting me on a different antibiotic, but mostly, they were booting it to the urologist to figure out.

Motherfucker. A urine test, at least 16 tubes of blood, a dozen blood sugar pokes, a lot of time spent peeing blood into a bedside “urinal” (basically a wide mouthed cardboard jug), two different IV ports put in my and a whole lot of IV fluids put through them, two blood cultures taken, and a full abdominal CT scan, and they still dunno.

I suppose I can infer they they didn’t find a bladder or kidney stone on the CR scan, assuming CTs can pick that shit up.

Oh well. I will hear from the urologist soon, and start taking the new antibiotic with tonight’s dinner, and we will see what happens from there.

I am not a happy camper.

More on this later, after the break.

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My horrible ailments

Meant to write this before I ended up in the hospital. Said hospital stay kind of highlighted the need.

Translation : having medical professionals hovering about asking about all me ailments really make me realized how many I have and how ill a person I am.

So let’s list them, shall we? Good.

Starting from the top : there’s the weird scabby shit on my head. One nurse thought it looked like an infection and took a sample.

For most people, that’s a serious ailment. I barely think about it any more.

Same with my fucked up sinuses and their tendency to run and clog and give me serious sinus headaches and many secondary effects. And the allergic condition that sets it all off and makes me inflamed all over, which has OTHER nasty effects.

Even makes my balls hurt. Waddy fug.

Oh, and there’s my totally untreated sleep apnea. CPAP sucks. And there does not appear to be an alternative.

Next, my teeth. They’re a nightmare. I never brush. Just don’t have the goddamned dopamine to make myself do it. And I eat tons of popcorn, and the shells from the popcorn get wedged between my teeth and get packed in there many layers deep and as the new layer is jammed on top my teeth get spread further apart and make room for more popcorn shells.

Lastly, I have serious depression. So serious it keeps me from taking care of any of the other ailments on this list, and will ultimately be what kills me.

And now, the torso. I have a massive hernia. My guts, including my bowels, stick through it. Apparently this is not that big a deal because I am too fat for the normal surgery and it hasn’t killed me yet so meh.

Also chronic wrist pain. Arthritis, I guess.

And whatever it is that is making me weaker and weaker all the time. I assume it’s something cardiovascular but it could be neurological as well.

Or both. What fun.

On to the legs. They’re quite fucked up too. I am always getting random pains, twitches, spasms, and other neurological symptoms from my poor legs.

And my knees are on their last legs. So to speak. I’ll miss them when they’re gone.

And then there’s my feet. Not only are they even more fucked up than my legs and are slightly asleep almost all the time, one of them has this super calloused area that makes it feel like I am always walking on a flat stone. Fun.

And there’s my under-treated diabetes as well, which is super serious.

All in all, I am a catalogue of disgusting diseases from head to toe.

And I am sure I have forgotten some.

I am probably not long for this world unless I clean up my act.

But then there’s the dopamine issue. SO hard to get myself to do the right things. So much easier to keep playing games while my doom approaches.

I am trying hard to find the mental path between me and daylight. But it’s taking way too long. I need something more powerful than I to intervene.

But there is no such thing.

I need help with life. I can admit that now.

But I don’t know where to get it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.