An odd thing has been happening when I play Fallout 76 lately.
As I boot up the game, this voice inside me starts kicking up a fuss like I am dragging it off to be slaughtered and fighting the whole process.
It’s like it is shouting, “No! Don’t take me back in there! I don’t wanna go!!”.
And sometimes it will start its routine while I am playing, too. And I will stop playing and ask it what the problem is and what it would rather be doing.
So far, no answers. So I figured I would try and write it out.
Because the thing is, I am, enjoying teh fuck out of the game. It totally rocks. Best game purchase I have made in a long time. I can play it for hours on end without getting tired of it and it’s always hard to stop.
And maybe that is the problem. There is something in me resisting the absorption of my consciousness in the mode it goes into when I am playing a really good game.
A mode where I am totally wrapped up in the game and its world. Where i completely forget the real world and there’s absolutely no room left in my mind for the usual doubt, fear, anxiety, and depression.
For the entirety of my adult life, this has been a highly desired nay prized state. But now something inside me is fighting it and I am pretty sure it’s getting stronger.
So what the fuck is its deal?
For context, a general discontent with spending all day playing video games has been building in me for a very long time and it kicks up while I am gaming now and then.
This is a known thing.
But it’s never been this clear and strong before. So I am wondering wassup.
The thing is, it’s going to be business as usual until I can answer the question of what else I would rather be doing.
Because I honestly don’t know what else to do with my life. Sure, there are millions of things I could be doing besides spending all day playing video games, but that is not the same thing at all.
It’s not about what I could do, It’s about what I want to do.
And as usual, I don’t know. There are plenty of productive, creative, and healthy things I could be doing to keep myself amused and build up my self esteem through increasing my sense of accomplishment. Happy things that sound like great ideas.
Doesn’t make me want to do them though. At all.
Maybe I am just afraid to want things. I have accepted my own impotence and helplessness in all things and made do with whatever I happened to get for so long. And a big part of that is teaching myself not to want things because it can only lead to pain.
No point in wanting what you can never get, right?
And now I have no idea how to want things any more.
More after the break.
And the horse you rode in on
Feeling angrily apathetic once more due to incomplete masturbation.
God damn it, I need to get off. My balls are bluer than a Smurf’s and I need some release. Instead, my balls ache, my head hurts, and I’m ready to start taking hostages.
“Sir, he says he wants ‘a long hard cock to fuck him up the ass for at least two hours consecutively or four hours in total but for sessions no shorter than twenty minutes. Age. race, religion, appearance and species of cock unimportant, length, hardness ,and vigor key. If he doesn’t get what he wants, he will start fucking the hostages. And sir… he will not be gentle. “
And it would work because I have nothing to lose. After all, what can do? Put me in jail, where I will get what I want anyway?
I’m just speeding up the inevitable by skipping a few steps.
Seriously though, I am beginning to understand why female animals often fight the males who eventually fuck them.
It’s not that they don’t want the male’s D or don’t know that it’s that vitamin D that will cure that burning cunt of theirs.
It’s that being horny and unfulfilled has put them in a really bad mood.
Male : “Hi, can I fuck your vagina with my penis?”
Female : “What? How dare you! You asshole! You pervert! That’s the most disgusting thing I have ever heard of! I have never been more insulted in my life! Yeah, okay. “
I pity heterosexual men so much.
This is why the one fantasy that unites all porn aimed at straight men is of a woman or women who communicate their desire and permission to fuck them very very clearly.
I doubt there is much of a market for porn where the woman is mysterious, mercurial, and liable to fly into a rage if you make a single wrong move.
Still, we are getting there. Hookup apps and hookup culture are emboldening women to cast off the shackles of self-denial in the name of not wanting to “seem like a slut” and opening the door for them to be as honest and open and up-front with their horniness as as gay men are.
I dream of a world where there are unisex bathhouses where everyone, without any hint of shame or self-doubt, goes to fuck.
If you’re there, you’re horny and looking for sex. That doesn’t oblige you to fuck whoever asks but it does mean you are not pretending to be a virgin.
There would be different areas for different gender combinations and sub-sections within those areas for various fetishes and activities.
And dead center would be the free for all zone where anything goes. Implied consent, total bisexuality, no holes barred, absolutely anything can happen.
Not a lot of people would be brave enough to go there. But those that go there could have one hell of a time.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.