Whether you are talking about my health or the climate crisis, things are only going to get worse from here, folks.
And for the same reason : not taking sufficient action.
Every summer will be hotter and more of the world will burn. Every winter will be milder overall but with more extreme weather fluctuations so there will be times when it is much, much colder overall. Extreme weather events like hurricanes, tsunamis, and an tornados will become more and more common. Life as we know it will slowly be destroyed by the highly predictable consequences of our inaction.
“But what can one person do?” came the thundering voice of 7 billion doomed human beings as their world burned.
“Why didn’t you do everything you could to stop it?” our grandchildren will ask us when they learn about the World That Was before billions of us died when climate change destroyed all the food crops and the rest were forced to live underground because we’ rendered the surface uninhabitable.
“Well, because that would have meant annoying a hundred billionaires by making them slightly less rich, dear.” we will reply.
“So it was a matter of the emotional comfort of a hundred rich people versus the fate of the entire human race? I see how that was a difficult choice. ” said none of them ever.
Lucky me, then, that I am so sick I will not live to see it happen.
“But why didn’t you do everything you could to prevent it?” my loved ones will ask when I am lying on my deathbed.
“Well you see, I was very very sad. ” I weakly reply.
“So it was a matter of your emotional comfort versus a lot of pain, humiliation, and fear leading to your dying before you’re fifty? Difficult choice indeed. ” none of them will say.
I know what they would choose. They want me to live and be happy because they love me and love having me around.
And I want to give that to them. And to me. I don’t want to get sicker till I die. I want to get better so I can truly live for the first time.
But I also don’t. The Trog doesn’t care. He just wants to squat in his cave and ignore the world and never ever leave. Even if it kills him.
It’s worse than that, though, because deeper than him is the dark force that wants to die. That wants this whole farce of a life to finally be over so we can finally commit the ultimate act of escapism and escape life itself.
Second best would be to get so sick that I end up in the hospital permanently and thus live in a child-like world where people take care of me 24/7 and all I have to do is do what I am told and be my charming, funny self.
But deep down inside me I know there is a force powerful enough to make me truly passionately want to live and be willing to kick the Trog out and burn the clutching cloak of suicidal passivity to cinders so that I can one day be free.
All I have to do is find it and connect to it and use its power.
And I am working on it. Good lord, am I working on it.
But I have a lot of bullshit to dig through first.
More after the break.
The grand song of apathy
In other words, this :
It’s been playing in my head a lot lately as I struggle with my own angry apathy and search for a way to find hope in my bleak situation.
But so far, all I can dream up is an image of myself as a evil goat-legged figure dancing in the flames as the world burns and cackling like a demon.
“Die, all you stupid ignorant petty motherfuckers, and good riddance to this stupid fucking world! Burn, baby, burn! Burn hot and high and deep for me! Because this rotten old world is finally getting the roasting it deserves!”.
And so forth and so on. It only get pettier and more grotesque and depressing from there on in.
That’s part of me but that’s not who I am. That’s just the mad rantings of a frustrated trickster trying, in his twisted way, to stir people into action by playing the villain.
I get it, Joker, I really do. I know what makes the madman howl at the moon. I know how hard it can be to see all the evils of the world and trying to tell people about it but they just won’t listen. I get how that can make you feel like you’re going crazy because you want to do crazy things just to get their goddamned attention.
Doesn’t justify evil, though. Just so ya know.
As I have said many times before in this blog, this kind of angry apathy I am dealing with is an overcorrection in response to feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and worry.
It is as though too much activity on that circuit trips a circuit breaker that triggers a big dump of anxiety’s opposite, apathy.
Which is great in a healthy mind. It helps a person stay calm in stressful situations and keeps them from being overwhelmed by circumstances.
But in an unbalanced mind like mine, it’s an irrational overcompensation for an irrational level of fear, and not a sane and rational response that actually solves the problem.
Still, the struggle represent progress. At least my mind is fighting back against my anxiety and trying to balance itself instead of just numbing everything out.
And with struggle, there is always the hope of resolution. After the fires of war have died down, you might just find a new balance has been struck and true peace can begin.
Violent conflict might be the worst form of conflict resolution…. but it works.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.