But it’s that time of the day, so what the hell, let’s write this damn thing.

Still not quite sleeping right. Current theory is that temperature is a factor. It gets fairly cold in this apartment, at least by how my body measures it, and I think I have been in that same “cold but not really feeling it” zone that I got into when I did my tragically crappy sleep study. The zone where I am vaguely aware of feeling sort of cold, but I don’t realize that this is what is keeping me from getting any sleep.

The human body, rather intelligently, doesn’t let you fall asleep if you are cold. Unless you are so hold you have end stage hypothermia, but what are the odds of that in an urban setting?

Then again, I did have some caffeine last night, so it might be that. My relationship with the black energy is certainly complex. I drank some with supper last night because I was feeling pretty logy and was not sure I would have the energy to get the writin’ done, and I figured, well, that’s what I keep diet cola around for in the first place.

You know… consciousness management.

And it worked. I felt quite perky last night. But when it came time to sleep, I barely felt my quetiapine, and I slept shallowly and not for the usual amount of time.

And that has been it since then. I keep worrying that the hammer will fall and I will suddenly lapse into one of my super sleepy periods and lose time that way, but so far, so good.

Still working on ripping out the old bad plumbing in my brain. It is a long and dirty job suitable for Mike Rowe, but still, it feels good to be rid of it, and finally have the space upstairs to slowly but surely move myself into a more healthy and positive environment.

I have been saying for a long time that there was nothing in this brain of mind I wanted to keep. Now, I am doing something about that. But it’s tiring and tricky work.

Part of it is finally letting myself developed that “big head” that my siblings were always worried I would get. Well, they sure did a good job of that. I hated myself for decades. Mission accomplished.

But you know what? I am a pretty amazing guy. I have no reason to hate myself. I can hate my life, my circumstances, my poverty, my total lack of social status, my feeling of lack of control over my life and influence over reality… but hating myself? Whatever for?

Because I am seriously awesome. And it’s high time I learned to enjoy it. To own it. To live it. To let it buoy me up when my demons are trying to drag me down.

I will do my best not to turn into an egotistical asshole, but I think the odds of that are fairly low anyhow. I will always be a sweet guy.

I just want to be a sweet guy who doesn’t hate himself. Is that so wrong?

And it really does seem to be the case that there is no middle option. You love yourself, or you hate yourself. You can’t just remain neutral and choose not to have an opinion on yourself. That self worth register in the brain needs a value entered into it, and if it’s not a positive one, it’s a negative one, and no two ways about it.

So I feel like I have been slowly gathering things I like about myself as I brush all the excess crap out of my mind, and sweeping the good stuff into a small but vital pile, and from this pile I shall construct the shaky but somehow absurdly elegant skeleton of my self worth and sense of self.

I just have to repeat to myself : I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And gosh darn it, people like me.

In fact, I am smart as hell. I just lack focus. Time to get my poop in a group.

Or not. Whatever. Another part of this whole retrofitting of my consciousness is an outright rejection of the sort of overwrought, over-taut internal pressures that have ruled my life until now. If I am to do something, it will be out of a calm, clean, clear desire to do it, not because my hysterical panic factory happens to be making me jump to the left instead of the right that day.

And as I increase inner mastery, I hope to be able to use that self-control to ignore my fears as well. Go sell crazy somewhere else, you nasty little internal demons. I am more than you can handle now. You are Lilliputians fighting my Brobdingnag. You do not stand a chance.

Even right now, I feel that the bulk of many of my fears is gone, and all that is left of them are monuments to where they once stood, and tape lines marking their former boundaries.

For now, the tape lines are enough. I still do not know how to live without those fears, and my cautious and hesitant nature keeps me from just throwing myself into the void with a scream and a shout.

But I am moving, albeit slowly. The slow moving viscous fluid of my being is slowly and painfully flowing into a new configuration, feeling its way in the dark as it goes.

Maybe this is all leading to some profound transformation. I think I am capable of transformation, especially if I learn to trust my intuition more.

Or maybe it is simple a matter of a slow and steady drip of substance from one container to the other. No big surprises, just one day, there is more in the new place than the old, and the balance shifts.

And after the tipping point is reached, gravity will be on my side for once.

How do I get out of this gravity well, anyhow?

Shitty title, I know, but what the heck. I am in one of my “in between moods” moods where I don’t really know what I am feeling, so I am playing things a little looser than usual.

Not that I am exactly the most rigidly organized dude even at the best of times. The only part of my life that is tightly organized is my mind, in the INTJ sense, and even that feels debatable some days.

I am so absent minded I could plan my own surprise party. But I suppose that is not so rare a trait in us super smart intellectual types.

I just find it to be an impediment to my struggle for dignity and some kind of positive self-worth. The evil voice in my head that says that no matter how brilliant I am, it doesn’t matter because I am an incompetent fool, has yet to be fully silenced.

And that voice is a real prick.

Got a few things I would like to share today, like this rather good little short story called Love Should Grow by Canadian writer David J. Lamb.

At least, I assume he’s Canadian, given that his story is on a Canadian science fiction site.

I really admire (and envy) the writing style of the story. Very clean prose, every word necessary, telling the story in a way that makes the act of reading completely disappear, leaving just the story in its odd beauty for the reader to enjoy.

It is exactly how I wish to write myself, some day. All meat, no filler. So far, I have been hampered by my disinclination to rewrite. But I feel myself warming up to the idea of progressing past the rough draft, so we will see what the future holds for me.

As for the story itself, it took me a bit of time to figure out what was going on, but once I did, it was quite enjoyable. Nobody writes really good pod people sex comedies any more, and I think that’s a shame.

Then there is this rich gem of a video from the ultra cool science dude Michael at Vsauce :

I have been sitting on this video for nearly a week because it is just so dense with goodness that I just did not know where to start to talk about it.

So in no particular order : How many cool new words and terms are we learning, huh? “Limerence” for that crazy feeling you get when you have a crush on someone. “Homogamy” for the tendency of people to see mates who are like themselves. “Bateman’s Principle” for the whole notion that females have to commit more resources to the production of offspring, so they are “choosy”, which means males have to be “competitive”. The list goes on and on.

And his conclusions match my own observations as well my experiences. The “nice guys finish last” phenomenon is easily explained by the labour theory of value. We value things in proportion to how hard they are to get. If you make your affections very easy to get and maintain, people just plain will not value them. There truly is a lot to say for playing hard to get.

But this simple truth is very hard to swallow. For one, it flies in the face of the basic concept of pro-social justice, where the better a person you are, the better society/life/people should treat you. And being a nice person is obviously a lot better than being a mean person. That’s kindergarten level ethics. So how come being nice does not get you laid? How fair is that?

It also conflicts with the basic hierarchical mechanism of our social brains which says that if you are submissive towards someone, they are supposed to be appeased and not hurt you. But if you are nice to someone and they still turn you down, it feels like you submitted to them, made yourself vulnerable, and they hurt you anyhow.

But take it from me, the truth is, being “easy” appeals to people in the short term and might very well get them to like you or feel fondly towards you, but it does not get their respect, and respect is the necessary foundation of all romantic relationships.

Last, I will share this tidbit of information : Hitler did not take people’s guns away.

If anything, his regime was far more gun-friendly than the one it replaced, the Weimar Republic. After all, Germany lost World War I, and had brutally tough terms of surrender forced upon it. Part of those terms were incredibly tough anti-gun laws designed to make sure German partisans did not have a chance to raise militias and threaten the new peace.

Hitler actually made it a lot easier for German citizens to get guns by adding a ton more groups to the list of those allowed to have guns, including any member of the Nazi party.

Because what do you know…. childish fascists love guns.

And the idea that if the Jews had been allowed gun, the Holocaust never would have happened, is definitively ludicrous. Hitler conquered all of Europe, steamrollering over nations with tanks, machine guns, air forces, bombers, and all the rest of the modern warfare machinery.

So what good would a few pistols and rifles have done the Jews?

All guns in the hands of Jew would have done is make it easier to justify killing them. Look, they are armed and dangerous terrorists. They killed three police officers in a firefight. See why it was necessary to bomb the ghetto flat?

Told you Jews were a terroristic people!

So shut the fuck up about how Hitler Took Guns, Alex Jones and all you other scared little boys. No, he didn’t. You are just afraid the big bad Nanny State wants to take your purchased and unearned masculinity away from you.

Real men do thing to earn feeling strong. They do not buy it at a store, whether that store sells guns, SUVs, or Harley Davidson mouse covers.

Grow the fuck up.