Bleh. The downside of my finally separating my depression from my physical complaints is that it kind of forces me to think about how physically sick I feel quite often.

It just seems to be my destiny of late to feel like crap for a good deal of the day. Right now, I have a nasty headache and I feel achy and sore all over. God, getting older sucks.

On the other hand, emotionally speaking, I feel pretty good. I have had a few moments of “I hate my life!” frustration lately, but for the most part I am doing better than I have in years.

Being more active helps. Spending a few hours every day making a goofy ass video certainly gives me more to focus on and express myself by than just fucking around playing Facebook games already.

I have an enormous amount of creative energy just waiting to be used. I have been too afraid to tap into it before, feeling like it was just too much for me to handle.

But fuck that noise. Sure, I can only handle turning the dial up slowly right now, but turn it up I will, and a little faster every day.

I have spent too long crawling on the ground. It’s time to get up and get moving, and for that, I need energy, and I have all the energy I will ever need.

Depression doesn’t take it away. It just keeps you from accessing it.

And all that bottled up anger might just turn out to be the solution instead of the problem, because I am still turning that anger inwards… but I am directing it at the depression itself. I am grimly determined to destroy this depression of mine no matter what it takes, and I will not be deflected, delayed, or deterred. I am willing to slog through any kind of negative emotion in order to get my true self back, and if that means confronting all the ugliness in my soul, so be it.

At this point, it’s a war of attrition, and I am winning. Victory is inevitable, as the depression can no longer grow and I am burning more of it out of myself every day.

So every day, I push it back further, and some day, there will just plain be none left, or at least, not enough to be a problem.

I have a lot of long-overdue growing to do, and I am eager to make it happen. I have been all stunted and warped and cramped inside a shell that has been far too small for me since I was a child.

Development delayed, but not denied.

Anyhow, video. here’s a funny bit about a little known but crippling disorder.

I have wondered whether this truly exists since long before I saw this video. Could it be that some people just look sour or angry all the time simply because of how their face turned out?

If so, imagine what it must be like to be one of those people. You would get a lot of negative social feedback through no fault of your own. You might end up becoming the person people treat you like. The urge to follow your social role is extremely strong, especially in people who aren’t conscious of the pressure in the first place.

Myself, I don’t have a bitchy or asshole type face, as far as I know, although I know that I seem scary to some people who don’t know me simply for being a great big fat bearded guy. Strangers who don’t know that I am a big teddy bear who is friendly and harmless think I am some kind of crazy homeless guy.

And I am not homeless!

Also, for some reason, when I am really deep in intense thought, to some people, I look angry. I don’t know if that is just a size thing or whether my face can’t quite distinguish between a “deep in thought” face and a “seething with brooding anger and ready to explode” face.

It hasn’t come up a lot, mainly because I spend most of my time around people who know me. And I only look like that when I am not socially engaged, in resting face mode.

When I am engaged, my general friendliness shines through, or at least, I hope it does.

Oh right, today’s vid.

Inappropriate Lip Sync did not turn out to be as funny as I thought it would. In fact, it’s a little scary. I have to learn to reign in these expressive powers of mine sometimes.

I may try it again, however, with something more absurd and less angry. The idea was to lip-sync something that looks completely ridiculous coming from the likes of me. Seemed like a great idea for simple comedy content. Preliminary results are…. mixed.

The middle bit is a chunk of standup comedy type stuff I have had lying around for ages. I need to try to capture that stuff on video more often. I have a lot of comedy in my head, but it doesn’t just show up when I call for it. It pops up when something reminds me of it.

I have never been good at random-access type memory, where you can just pull up all you know about a subject and have it all at your fingertips at a moment’s notice.

That’s for people with more structure, knowledge-oriented minds than mine. I need prompts, reminders, questions, things along those lines.

No wonder I always tested well. That’s exactly the right kind of memory for the modern definition of academic success. I retain what I hear and can repeat it when prompted. That makes me just the little tape recorded that the school systems reward.

I view today’s vid as a bit of a palate cleanser. Something random and experimental and goofy just to make myself stretch my technique a little bit and try something new.

The hunt for growth continues.