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Today’s vid at the end.

But first, a very sad but very beautiful ad from Thailand.

Well, technically it’s an ad. One for Thai Life Insurance. But I can’t see how life insurance would have gotten the narrator more time, so to me, it’s really just a one and a half minute short film about the timeless subject of parental regret.

Looking back over your life, wishing you had spent more time with your children, that you had been kinder, more patient, more gentle, that you had not let anger rule you so often, that you had taken the time to get to know this brand new person that you brought into the world instead of retreating into anger, judgement, and contempt… that has been a lesson that (largely) men have been wanting to give to other (mostly) men since, I would imagine, the dawn of humanity.

Parenting can devolve into a brutal contest of wills, especially during your child’s teen years, and like all contests of wills, the most important thing becomes winning, no matter the cost.

This goes double for same-sex parent relationships, where the always confusing and very hard to acknowledge realm of territorial competition comes into play.

Then it becomes not just a contest of wills but a dominance fight, just like two mountain rams slamming their heads together to see who get to mate.

And by the time the hormonal haze clears and we come back to our senses and realize just what we have been doing to our beloved children, it’s too late.

You need more time.

On a much lighter note, here is a very funny video about languages.

Of course, it’s not German’s fault that it comes across like that. Nobody set out to speak a language that sounds like a dog trying to bark with a spoon in it’s mouth. But it’s still hilarious.

And isn’t it adorable that the Italian word for butterfly is “farfalla”? That is the perfect word for something so delicate and gentle. Makes even “butterfly” sound harsh.

Plus, until now, I had no idea that “mariposa” was the Spanish word for “butterfly”. I have seen dozens of things with “Mariposa” in the name, including cities, counties, theaters, banks, and schools, and still I had no idea that they were all named, basically, “butterfly”.

Nor did I know that a “margarita” is a “daisy”. Not sure I see the connection there. It’s not like margaritas are made with daisies or look like a daisy or anything.

Maybe they are named after a woman named Margarita, and she was as fresh and pretty as a daisy.

It also means that my dear departed grandmother, my Mémé, whose name was Marguerite, was technically sort of named Daisy too.

And I find that highly apropos, given her legendary green thumb. You could give her the most bedraggled, neglected, mostly-dead plant, and within a week it would be green and perky and thriving.

My totally unbiased, scientific opinion : plants loved her.

Next, we have some marvelous son et lumière from Singapore. Fullscreen this one, it’s worth it.

The statue you are looking at is a massive monument of Singapore’s national animal, the mythical Merlion, which as its name suggests is a lion’s head on a fish body.

The lovely light show is created by a combination of lights on the Merlion’s body and laser projection.

As impressive as it is as a YouTube video, I imagine it must be simply breathtaking live. I was lucky enough to see the son et lumière show they have in Ottawa during the tourist season, and that was pretty darned cool.

And that was back in old 1988! Imagine what they can do now with high definition laser projectors and high speed computers to pump out the graphics!

I am a big fan of the art of spectacle. To me, it is the art of thrilling the senses and creating a sense of wonder and joy in people, and what could be a purer form of art than that?

So whether it’s fireworks, son et lumière, trompe l’oeil, or just your average stage magician trying to make the audience gasp in wonder and delight, I consider spectacle to be high art.

Despite the bad name that people like that human seizure Michael Bay tends to give it.

No art form can protect itself from being done badly, and no art form lacks examples that could be used to prosecute it in the court of art.

That’s why you have to refuse to judge an art form by its worst examples.

I mean, we’d rather judge writing by William Shakespeare than Dan Brown, right?

Finally, in terms of OPC (Other People’s Content), we have this totally slammin’ bit of poetry and verbal fireworks relevant to today’s world.

I know I say this whenever I post poetry, but daaamn, that is the SHIT. That is the STUFF. That is how you poetry, son. Passion, power, and perspicacity rendered molten and poured into the white hot cauldron of an active and observant mind and forged into words of smoking steel by the laser of the soul, hell yeah.

That’s poetry all right. Hard to believe that guy’s team only came in second.

I wonder what first place’s poetry sounds like?

As to the points he is making, I can’t say I disagree with any of them. We are at a strange state of history where we have more virtual connections than ever before and where anyone can use the Internet to get all the mind could ever want of stimulation, communication, information, and connection.

But at the same time, we connect with each other for real less than ever before. We are both more connected and more disconnected than ever before, and the effect of having more information than ever before it mitigated by the effect of never having to deal with anyone who disagrees with you, ever.

I have asked myself, many times, what my life would have been like without the Internet.

Possibly a lot better. When I got bored, I would have to go out into the world to find some form of stimulation and no more virtual company, either. I would have to find the real thing.

Bit late now, though.

And finally, here’s today’s vid, where I review Inglorious Basterds.

Spoiler : I don’t like it.

One sleepy Saturday

I am in a weird sleep space. Weirder than usual I mean… sleep and I have had a highly nuances and difficult relationship ever since I was a teenager.

But today’s permutation of my bizarre patterns of somnolence is weirder than the mean state. I spent all afternoon in and out of sleep, and yet it didn’t really seem to get me anywhere. I woke up feeling pretty much exactly as sleepy as I had when I fell asleep.

This, needless to say, is really fucking annoying.

Eventually, at around 4:30 pm I had to just put my foot down and accept that I was going to stay somewhat sleepy and get to work on today’s vid.

I originally had the idea of doing what I did for In The Grotto . which was to write an original bit of music and have today’s video be the video for it.

If you get my drift.

But after around 20 minutes of dicking around, I realized that composing music required far more perspicacity than I could muster in my muzzy fuzzy brain, and so I reverted to a simpler notion, namely practicing my ranting skills by bitching about a few things that bug me.

Three of them, in fact, due to my odd compulsion to do things in threes. Here they are.

It’s not my very best work. Watching it now, I can see that my points are coming across a little more incoherently than usual and I am clearly having trouble focusing.

But what the hell. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and there you have… my creative output. Being thus far incapable of doing art the more traditional and linear by making a thing and then just refining the hell out of it until it’s perfect, I am left with doing things in a way that I am sure would be anathema to a more typically perfectionist person : I just do my best then shove it out the door in whatever shape my day’s energies can get it into, and forget about it.

What progress I make, I make over time, via practice. That means that I have not produced anything with a high level of polish yet, and I know that is very bad, career wise. By now I should have produced at least one thing that is as good as I can make it, period, but my muse doesn’t seem to work that way.

So my development as a writer, like everything else about me, runs perpendicular to the normal way. I seem to be destined to always move sideways rather than straight ahead, and I need to accept that the way other people do things simply will not work for me.

I am just too damned weird.

Still, I am thinking of putting together a demo reel for myself. I might not be able to produce one thing that is nearly perfect, but I can fake it by taking the best moments from sixty different videos (plus others I have done) and make it look like I am awesome.

Call that the “Best Of….” effect. You can make anything look awesome with judicious editing.

Of course, it would be a demo reel of the funny stuff, not the serious talky stuff. The talky stuff is just plain not commercial. That won’t keep me from doing them, of course. I am a thinker and a communicator and that means I need to communicate my thoughts.

But if we are talking about what sells, my strongest point is comedy. I can make funny stuff. It’s weird funny, of course. I am not what you would call a populist humorist. I am not looking primarily to make comedy that appeals to the masses.

When it comes to comedy, I am an ariste. I want to make the best, funniest, most kickass comedy that I can, and if that loses a certain percentage of the potential audience, I can live with that.

As long as my comedy appeals to the sort of people who like Monty Python, Red Dwarf, and Hitchhiker’s Guide, I am doing my job well.

Plus, past a certain point, you just have to make the art that makes you happy. That way, even if absolutely nobody enjoys it but you, you still got creative joy out of you, and you can exercise artist’s privilege and blame the world for not appreciating your genius.

Of course, if someone came along and offered me money to make comedy that was a tad below my standards, I would pounce on that like a starving wolf on filet mignon. I am currently scraping by on $8,000 per year. Minimum wage would more than double my income.

I will churn out lameass comedy for a while for that. I would just approach it like any skilled labourer, as a challenge to my abilities. Sure, it would not be the work I dream of doing. But nobody starts out at the top. Work a couple years in the CLS (Comedy Like Substance) factory, meet like-minded people in the biz, get a shoe=string pilot together for something decent, and try to make it that way.

Of course, this all takes place in the fantasy factory of my mind, where I have found a way around around the big block that keeps me from promoting myself and the other block that seems to keep me from being noticed even when I do.

I need to learn to decloak, man. There is a vibrant and violent conflict in me between the part of me that wants all the world’s attention and adoration, and the part that wants to be invisible and undetectable so that he can be safe.

Until I resolve that conflict somehow, I will be stuck, semi-visible but ignored. It would be great to be able to cast off my shell and say to the world, “This is me as I am! And I am ALIVE!”

But that doesn’t make it happen.

Friday Science Hoosegow, August 9, 2013

Finally! We’re back with all that wonderful science that has been piling up over the last few weeks.

Truth be told, your science reporter is not at his best today, and was tempted to skip yet another week of wonderful, wonderful science in order to do something a little less arduous.

But I just could not disappoint you science fans for yet another week. So here I am, raring to go and read to plunge into the stack of science stories piled up in my inbox and ferret out the gems.

And it’s all because of you wonderful science Fans!

We’ll start with a small thing that could turn out big : self-cooling windows.

Researchers at Harvard have invented a window that has an ultra-thin vein of water embedded in the pane. The idea is that water from a building’s water supply would come in and absorb heat from the window and then exit the system.

Some of you will recognize this as pretty much the exact same system (but with blood) that animal life (like us) uses in order eliminate excess heat.

The result, so they say, is a window that lets in just as much light, but no heat. This could save people boodles of cash on their air conditioning bills and make for much more temperature-neutral environments for us finicky humans to live in.

I wonder if they could circulate hot water from a building’s hot water supply through in the winter and cut down on heating costs as well?

And speaking of simple but very nifty bits of technology, check out this billboard.

It uses a very simple system to bring fresh, clean water to people who desperately need it. From what I can tell, this sort of thing is cheap to make and very low maintenance, and yet it can mean the difference between life and death for so many people.

Of course, it only works in a coastal desert or other similar high humidity, low rainfall conditions. Those are fairly rare. So it’s not going to solve the world’s drinking water problem by itself.

But for those places, it could change everything. We take clean water for granted because we live in water paradise, where there is almost always enough rain to keep the reservoirs full.

But for billions of people, there is no guarantee there will be any rain at all.

And hey…. moisture farming!

Next up, a story near and dear to this column’s heart : lab grown beef!

Yes, the world’s first lab grown hamburger has taste tested, and the reviews are in.

Two brave souls volunteered to lead the way, and they said it looks like hamburger to them and feels like hamburger to the mouth, but is lacking in flavour.

Any chef could have told them that. Every cook knows that extremely lean hamburger is tasteless. You can get rid of all the clear fat and that actually makes the ground beef taste better.

But the brown fat, that’s where the flavour resides. Get rid of that, and eww.

The scientists say that altering the process to produce a fattier product is no problem, and so the next round of tasting will go better.

And from there, who knows? If they can scale it up, we might have lab grown hamburger in our supermarkets and fast food joints as early as a few years from now.

In other good news, selfish behaviour is not rewarded by evolution.

This despite all those “selfish gene” believers who can’t seem to grasp the fact that nature is jam packed with highly successful species which cooperate with one another, the most successful of which is us, homo sapiens, a species very adept at balancing individual and collective needs.

Clearly, it can be advantageous for an individual to cooperate if said cooperation helps their social group as a whole. The problem with zero-sum economics of selfishness is that does not and cannot include the benefit one gets from being a member of a strong collective.

This makes it seem like cooperation has no benefits, only costs. But if we take the benefits of cooperation into account, it is clear that cooperation can be a very good deal even on just the selfish, amoral level of economics.

And speaking of the selfish and amoral, there is some indications that sociopaths might be able to be taught to empathize after all.

The results are purely based on brain imaging and are hence a little thin, but promising. It turns out that you might be able to turn on a sociopath’s empathy by getting them to imagine themselves in the same situation as someone else.

That activates those vital areas of the brain that we use in order to judge our actions against the consequences to others. We imagine “how we would like it if someone did the same thing to us”.

However, just because a sociopath imagines him or herself in a particular scenario does not mean they actually care about someone else in that situation.

That is the difference between empathy and sympathy. You can feel what another is feeling without caring. It’s just information. You might even think they deserve to feel as they do.

But to sympathize is to care that the person is in distress and want to help, which can be activated almost without empathy because we can understand that another human is in some sort of distress purely from looking at their facial expression, body language, and so on, without having to be able to imagine ourselves in their exact position.

And finally, brace yourself, science fans, because this one is scary as hell : scientists have been able to implant false memories into mice.

The method is a little complicated, and very brain science intensive, but the net effect was that they made these mice react to a benign environment where they had never received a painful stimulus as though it was another one in which it had.

And that’s pretty fucking freaky, n’est-ce pas?

Even a very simple, almost crude result like that becomes damned sinister if you imagine it applied to human beings. All those 60’s science fiction stories about government mind control come roaring back into life if you can imagine that some group could condition you to respond to certain situations, like say an anti-government protest, like you did to another, say the room they tortured you in.

As for anything beyond that, well, then we get into Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind territory, if we are lucky, and Total Recall territory (or worse!) if we’re not.

It is a weird time to be a brain science fan. On the one hand, we are discovering more about the human brain than ever before and the insights gained are truly breathtaking.

But the potential uses for these insights honestly scare the hell out of me.

I mean, where do you go if you are not even safe in your own mind?

And with that happy thought, I bid you adieu for another week, science fans!

Keep dreaming the future!

Almost like a vacation

Not only has it not bothered me to just keep making vids like I have been doing for two months, after all the pressure and excitement of yesterday, today almost felt like a vacation.

Granted, I didn’t add a lot bells and whistles to today’s vid (linked below), but then again, I am becoming less and less keen on trying to make my talking vids more visually dynamic anyhow.

Everything I do along those lines has started to seem more irritating and distracting than anything else. I think I am an interesting speaker with a lot of interesting ideas, and so, arguably, I don’t need a lot of pictures, cutaways, or anything else to adorn my speech.

Nevertheless, I am going to look for a good source for open source photos. They have to be open source because I want to be able to click that “monetize” button on my YouTube vid in good conscience and without avoidable legal risk.

After all, in the unlikely event that I become wildly successful, I don’t want anyone showing up saying that all that cash belongs to them.

So it has to be either public domain, or fully owned by yours truly because I made the damned thing. Getting all my pictures from Google Image Search, while easy and fun, could end up getting me in trouble with the copyright police and I don’t want that kind of hassle for any reason.

So if you know of a place where I can get fully public domain photos (where I have all rights, including commercial use), drop me a line in the comments.

An of course, public domain video clips would also rock. Despite what I said earlier, the right bells and whistles (the ones that illustrate the point without distracting from it) really do make my stuff seem more professional and accessible, and I want my stuff to come across as well as it can.

Like…. wearing a shirt and stuff.

It’s all well and good to be a head in the clouds thinker like myself and not be worried about superficial and meaningless things like appearance and first impressions, but if you want to make it down here in mundane reality, you have to worry about that kind of thing.

I suppose ideally, my serious talky stuff would come across like one of those cheap but highly effective documentaries that are all just talking heads, stock footage, and slowly zooming in on photos.

That would be really all the non-political stuff needs. The political speech needs to be more dynamic than that, because I seriously want to raise the rabble before it’s too late, and so the sorts of things I have been doing, with on screen text to punch up key phrases, is more like it.

And in general, I feel like I should be focusing more on myself and my relationship with the camera (strictly platonic, I swear) and developing my nascent charm, wit, presence, and so on rather than concentrating on extraneous externalities like video tricks.

I will still be on the lookout for ways to punch up my videos, of course, but I will stop devoting so much time on technique and keep things simple so I can develop the performance/personality aspect instead.

And besides… something my therapist said has got me really thinking.

It’s something I have heard before but it never really landed for me like it did when I heard it yesterday. My therapist said that the reason why I keep thinking about things like how much of my life has been wasted by my disease (depression) and how I can’t seem to get over it, is because I am not done mourning all those years yet.

And I think he’d right. I think I am grieving the life that I never had, and until that is over, a certain amount of depression and obsession is perfectly natural.

This also explains why it all seems so circular because I keep ending up in the same place over and over again. That is what grief is like. The grieving mind processes a bit of the pain that is too large to process all at once, and that makes you feel better for a while, but then it comes time to process the next piece and down you go again.

And it can take a lot of cranks of that handle before you are done.

Declaring myself to have a new life at 40 was a very good start. But it will take more than that to shed the skin of almost twenty years. I will have to really work at processing everything if I hope to get this goddamned bus moving, and that is what I want to concentrate on for the next little while.

Not that I know exactly how to do that. But that’s rather the point. I don’t have to know what I am doing. When it comes to one’s emotional being, it’s fine to just go by instinct and see where you end up.

And if I say that often enough, I will eventually believe it. Right?

Oh yeah. And here is today’s vid.

Basically, if you truly believe in your liberal ideals and you say you are dedicated to doing whatever it takes to see that they win out against the aging ghouls in charge, then you should be willing to deal directly with people who are far less intelligent than you and who are normal and boring and maybe even remind you of the kind of people who never understood you back home.

Because they are the majority, and they are only conservative because liberals ceded all populist ground to the conservatives and retreated into ivory tower idealism that is more concerned with pursuing its own ethical perfection than sully itself with actually being in power and having to make tough choices.

Liberals don’t have to be timid and cowardly. The liberals of the past certainly weren’t.

We just need to be honest about what we are doing, and humble enough to do it right.

Rise, rabble! Rise!

The day I had

I have had such a day!

See, today was one of those days where I had to get to and from my therapy appointment on my own. And once more, I took a cab there, because I am total pussy.

And the cab ride was quite pleasant. My driver was a very sweet Pakistani lady who, surprise surprise, was not afraid to ask me for directions at all.

And while usually it bugs me to have to tell a cab driver how to get where I want to go[1], she was just so sweet that I did not mind at all.

And man, that taxi had amaaaaazing AC. It was so good that when my therapist commented on how hot it was today, I had to take his word for it, because I had traveled in marvelous coolness.

But I learned all about the heat when I took the bus home. Talk about two different worlds! The cab was quiet, peaceful, and cool, and I had the back seat all to myself. I waited less than five minutes for it to show up, and it took me door to door.

The bus, on the other hand, seemed to hate me today, because both buses did me the dirty and pulled away just as I was getting there, thus ensuring the maximum possible wait time.

To which I saw ARGH.

As a result of that, and stopping off at Denny’s for a late lunch[2], I did not get home until 6 PM. And that is normally not a big deal, but today was the day I did the second half of the Sixty Sixty finale(don’t worry, it will be linked at the end of the entry per usual) , and trust me, doing those is a LOT of work and takes a LOT of time.

After all, I have to actually WATCH all those episodes of the Sixty Sixty in order to pick out best and/or most representative moments. That alone takes a lot of time.

Still, it was rather fun to do. It was nice to look over my work of the last month and see all the crazy
things I did, and some of the excellent opinion work I did too.

I could never pick between my “wacky” side and my “serious” side. They are two faces of the same coin. And that coin has to flip.

Anyhow. So I worked from 6 pm to 11 pm, with only a half hour break. Go me! Iron Fru. [3]

And I think I have a plan for what I am going to do next.

I think I will make some channels on my YouTube account and sort my work into a few broad categories, and each of those categories will get its own Tumblr, and I can start working on various different things knowing that I have a place for each of them.

I have resisted that kind of thing before because I don’t really like multiplying identities, but I just have too much creativity to be contained in any one project, idea, technique, or whatever, and by separating out various threads, I can build a fanbase for various facets of my personality (like one for comedy and one for the serious political stuff, for instance) because people will know where they can go to get the Fru product of their choice.

I have had bad luck with categorization in the best, which is why the categories on this particular blog are so simple (and even then, I only use a few of them). I always seem to end up with something that sits between categories and refuses to enter any of them.

The obvious solution is to just make a new category for said thing, but I have tried that and it leads to having a zillion categories with only one thing in them.

And yet I find it physically unpleasant to put things in the “wrong” place. Hence my dilemma.

So I will have to develop some kind of discipline regarding categories, and steel myself to occasionally putting something where it doesn’t QUITE fit, and/or learning when to make a new category and when to just deal with the existing ones.

If it works, I can have an uncorked imagination while still providing some sort of structure for the people who view or read my art.

One of the things I noticed when going over the eps for the finale was just how unpredictable the content would be. And while some people would enjoy having no idea what I would do next (including me), if I want to make my art a little more commercial, I am going to have to provide some kind of predictability.

Solutionn : want to always know when I have made something in your category of choice? Subscribe to the channel and follow the Tumblr.

I am going to make something every day. I can’t even imagine going back to just blogging after making sixty (one) videos. That sounds so god damned dull and pointless now.

So while I have no idea exactly what I will do in the future, I know that the next step is to do a little housekeeping and get things a little more organized.

I am also going to comb my hard drive for every bit of decent content I have ever made, and make sure that gets onto the Internet in one central, accessible place.

Fru Central, so to speak. I like the idea of having a family of blogs, kind of like the Gawker sites.

Oh right… and here’s the fruits of today’s labour!

Warning, I get gushy at the end.

Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. They are supposed to know that shit, right? It’s like half their job. Driving, and knowing how to get places.
  2. And the cabbie had no idea that Richmond had a Denny’s, either. I would say that the place is a well-kept secret except it seems to get plenty of business. It is, after all, near a whack of hotels. It’s only locals who have no idea it’s there.
  3. And now you know why this blog entry was late!

The beginning of the end

Today is Day Sixty of the Sixty Sixty, and you know what that means.

Clip show time!

But first, other people’s stuff.

This show looks completely awesome.

The Burka Avenger! A heroine for our times!

I mean, we already think women in burkas kind of look like ninjas, so why not go with it?

And so much of the show just seems right for our times.

By day, she’s a mild-mannered teacher. Perfect! It’s a feminine enough job to be acceptable for a woman even in somewhat sexist countries, and yet, everyone also knows that teachers have to be quite tough and tenacious (as well as kind and understanding) to do their job.

She fights (fairly) nonviolently. At least, we don’t see her hacking off limbs or beheading people. In traditionally sexist places, the image of women as soft, kind, and gentle is extremely important to keeping the sexual dynamic functioning, and you don’t go changing that too fast or you will get the knee-jerk responses that, sadly, can endanger women’s very lives in some part of the world.

But most importantly, she fights for the children. Not even the most sexist asshole can argue with that. Even a full blown entitled patriarch would expect the mother of his children to fight like a tigress to protect them, no matter the circumstances.

So having a teacher do so is not just acceptable, it’s heroic.

And it looks like it has enough simple, goofy comedy in it to keep the kids entertained

And speaking of simple, goofy comedy, check out this claymation romp about a dad, a baby, and aliens.

Oh. And a hell of a lot of alien goo.

I love this thing. It has such a full on, no holding back, childlike enthusiasm that it just utterly charms me and and makes me love it. What it lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in sheer immature gusto.

It doesn’t take itself the slightest bit seriously and throws itself into the job with all the uninhibited zeal of a child playing with his toys. It is fast, funny, silly, gory (in a cartoony way), crude, disgusting, scary, violent, wonderful entertainment and I love it to pieces.

Plus I like that it is very clear that Dad did not instigate the carnage. He started off being very friendly and nice, inviting the aliens in for a cuppa, and things only got violent after the aliens took his baby and seemed intent on microwaving it.

That’s unacceptable behaviour no matter where you are from. They’re not just aliens… they’re total dicks, and they deserve (more or less) all the gooey death bestowed upon them.

Kids must absolutely flip over it. I certainly would have when I was a kid. Heck, it’s my inner child that loves it now. It has everything in it that kids love, even a little gross-out humour regarding nappies.

Plus, the joke at the very end made me laugh so hard. I won’t spoil it, but damn. Like the rest of it, it’s crude and simple and yet totally delightful.

To round out our trio of animated shorts, we have this little take on that timeless modern ritual of being woken up by your alarm clock in the morning.

Hard to believe that’s s student project, isn’t it? It looks quite professional, and as an animation buff, I really admire how well constructed each gag is. Everything is precisely where it needs to be to convey the comedy and keep that momentum going, and I have mad respect for that kind of precision and understanding of just what makes a toon tick.

I have never had the problem of falling back asleep after waking up. For some reason, I have the ability to go from asleep to fully awake in around three seconds, and after that, I am good to go, at least until the next time I end up having to sit completely still again.

As long as I am doing something, I can stay clear-headed and focused on pulling myself together and doing all those little things we all do in order to pull ourselves together in the morning.

I have often thought that it’s like somewhere in the night, as we sleep, we forget how to be human beings, and in the morning we have to go through a quick version of evolution all over again as various parts of our brain boot up and come online.

“Come back in five minutes, I’m barely Australopithecus yet!”

Aaaand finally, today’s vid.

Don’t worry, it’s not the last one!

It’s the second-last one. I realized earlier today that there was no way that either I or my computer could it if I tried to pick out the best bits of all sixty episodes at once.

As is, the software completely choked when I tried to make it render the file in the accustomed MPG-1 format. Even after clearing a whole whack of hard drive space and giving my computer a completely cold boot, it still could not handle rendering something with pieces of so many different files in it.

The prospect of having to cut the project in half and render each half loomed large, and let me tell you, that is nowhere near as easy as it sounds when you are talking video that is still in a zillion pieces in as many different files.

Luckily, when I switched to WMV, it rendered just fine, and much faster than usual even. And the file seems a lot smaller. So maybe I will do all future efforts in WMV instead.

If it can handle what I put it through today, it can handle pretty much anything I do.

Tomorrow, of course, I will make the other half of the story, Days 31-59 (because summarizing 60 would be rather silly), and then I will be stuck trying to figure out what to do with myself again.

I sure as hell can’t go back to just blogging. That would not nearly be enough now. I am going to need something far more absorbing than that.

I will see what inspiration comes.

Falling through time

I still feel like I am falling through time and picking up speed. I don’t know what happens when I finally crash. I guess… I die.

Anyhow, I got vidya content to share, with mine, as usual, at the end.

First off, we have this trailer for Diablo Cody’s directorial debut, Paradise.

Gee, Diablo Cody made a movie about a sullen, sarcastic, fragile young person trying to come to grips with something major that has happened to her life.

Color me surprised.

Seriously though, it looks like a lot of fun. I like stories about fallen pretty girls. I feel they are stories that are not told because in society we tend to assume attractive people are as happy as they make us feel, and to imagine that if we were them, we would have no problems at all.

But you know what? Shit happens to the captain of the football team and the head cheerleader too. Sometimes they feel as trapped by their roles in life as anyone else. Moreso, even, because everything in society tells them that they have what everyone else wants and so how dare they act, even for a second, like they are not the luckiest people on Earth, god damn them.

You can get trapped by other people’s envy. Being good looking can attract all the wrong kinds of attention. Nobody has it easy in this life when it comes to the things that really matter.

Now if only I get get over my loathing of that annoying git Russell Brand, I might actually go see the movie when it hits theaters.

Next up, a lot of people have been taking a crack at this idea lately, but this take on it is the most solid take on it I have seen so far.

The point it makes is well tread by now as people react to the Fox New reaction to the Trayvon MArtin verdict. True to their credo of being against anything Obama might be for, the smiling demons of Fox News have been arguing for weeks that it is perfectly acceptable to shoot black children because hey, black people are all scary and crime-y and shit.

It is increasingly clear to most people that Fox News and the GOP establishment has no heart, no soul, no spirit, no morals, no shame, no beliefs, and no brain.

It exists simply as a negative impression of Democrats in general and Obama specifically. And seeing as Obama is a decent, kind, intelligent, moderate person, guess what that makes them?

Yup. Indecent, unkind, unintelligent, immoderate jackals who laugh like hyenas at the very thought of moral restraint and decent behaviour.

That would interfere with the obvious relish they take in being as evil as possible and having people lap it up like it’s fucking Cristal.

But the flight of advertisers from Rush Limbaugh is the signal that the blood is in the water for these cackling homunculi. They are losing their base rapidly as they continues to do things that screw over the little guy in favour of the megarich of the private jet set.

Plus, they can’t scare people with gay marriage any more. It’s happened. Nothing changed for straight people. Public opinions is changing to acceptance at breakneck speeds.

Looking forward to those midterm elections in 2014.

Next up, a visual treat.

Admittedly, the first time I watched that years ago, it made me a little nauseous. But now I adore it. It’s like a feast for the eyes, the way the pseudo-food imagery unfolds. It plays interesting games with the part of our brain that identifies food and processes facts about it.

We have, of course, a very active system for that sort of thing. Our primate ancestors, and indeed our hunter-gatherer forbears, had to know to find, acquire, prepare, and consume a wide variety of foodstuffs. To be human is to be omnivorous and while that makes us highly adaptable, it also means that we need diverse foods in order to stay healthy.

So we had to be able to learn a lot about what is good to eat and how to get it and eat it. In modern times, we still use this ability, but we use it in nice air-conditioned supermarkets.

Go to your supermarket and look at those aisles and aisles of food and imagine all you need to know in order to just shop for, prepare, and eat the very basics.

And that is not even getting into the rich skillset known as “cooking”.

Finally, we have the penultimate video, today’s video, about the meaning of life.

Actually, it’s about why we are compelled to ask the question in the first place. A lot of human confusion and strife centers around how, on a fundamental level, we simply cannot stop behaving as if the Universe (or Life or whatever) is a person, or at least, that there is someone in charge who is responsible for absolutely everything and to whom you can send requests and/or complaints.

Most often, this someone is called God, or whichever paternalistic omnipotent all-father you prefer. But the interesting thing is that even supposedly devout atheists display this behaviour.

I mean, who is so stone cold logical that they have not found themselves swearing at some misbehaving inanimate object? We know it can’t hear us. But it makes us feel better.

Why? Because we feel like we really told that thing that is making us mad where to go.

Like I said in the vid, I am not sure there is an escape hatch to this anthropomorphizing of the world and our tendency to treat everything like it’s a person. It may be too hard-wired into our brains for mere logic to ever truly defeat it.

It’s only very queer ducks like me who, when asked “What is the meaning of life?”, answer “Why do you assume it has one?”

Maybe the best we can hope for is lies that work for us.

Maybe that’s all religion has ever been.

Who woke me up?

Been having one of my sleepy days, so I didn’t even get started on today’s vid until 5 pm, which by the vague sort of schedule in my head is about two hours late.

Now I have to tippity type a thousand words and then get ready for a guest. Which would not really be all the big a deal, but all I really want to do is go back to bed.

Yes, it’s after 6 pm and I am still sleepy. So far it’s the pleasant sort of sleepiness which makes you feel cozy and relaxed and comfortable, but there’s no guarantee that will last.

The usual pattern at this point is that I will end up in that highly unpleasant state where I end up sleeping all day, only waking up long enough to blearily eat, write, and eliminate, and the dreams I have are so vivid and intense that it leaves me feeling like I have taken a very long and thorough beating.

Oh, and waking up in a lake of my own sweat, too. Can’t leave that out. Because it’s horribly gross.

One of these days, I will get the gumption together to flip my mattress. That at least will flip it to a side I haven’t drooled or sweated into for like, years.

That must count for something.

I swear, if there was like, a “we clean your mattress right in your own home! Guaranteed to make it as fresh as the day it came out of the factory or your money back!” service out there, I would find a way to pay them whatever they charge.

Anything to get all the stale sweat out of it.

Meanwhile, in Australia, a fellow has written a 99 page comprehensive guide to himself that such an extraordinary document that it is making the rounds online.

Sure, it makes him seem like a total narcissist. But a highly organized, thorough narcissist, and that’s something I admire in a person.

The idea is that this ponderous document containing, in extraordinary and let me add very candid detail, is to be handed to prospective lady companions so that they can find the answers to any, and I mean absolutely ANY, questions they might have about him.

And given this guy’s obsessive self-involvement, having a way to get to know him without actually spending time to him might be for the best.

I mean, can you imagine trying to make small talk with this guy?

You’d ask “So um…. do you like swimming?”
And he’d just roll his eyes and say “If you had bothered to do the required reading, you would know that I was a competitive swimming in third, fourth, and part of fifth grade, but that due to an inner ear injury I suffered on May 27th, 1993, I can no longer swim without throwing up. ”

So much for the “getting to know you” phase.

Now it’s easy (and fun!) to make fun of this guy for being this self-involved, and he does seem a tad delusional (he claims to have an eleven inch cock with a fat head, and that he got computer science and law degrees by the time he was 22… oh, and that his semen tastes great), it’s not necessarily as bad as it sounds from the description.

It’s just slightly possible that he is not the raging dickbag he seems like and is just a highly intelligent and organized person who got a little carried away when coming up with a dating profile for himself and ended up making himself look, to put it mildly, foolish.

But odds are that nobody could write a document like that without being just a little too into themselves.

I am sure there are ladies out there who would be quite pleased to be able to research him so thoroughly before they even meet and who don’t mind his self-involvement because it means he will not pester THEM as much as other men do.

And I sincerely hope this Internet kerfuffle helps him meet those ladies.

But for now, all we can do is gape in wonder.

I mean, he starts the thing with a fucking glossary.

Still feel like something big is happening inside me, although today it feels more like something is moving through me like a shadow crossing a room over the space of a day, and the terror I felt before has given way to something more like a mixture of awe and dread.

So that’s progress, of a sort. It feels like a process which is unfolding as it should. I have no idea where it all will end, but I have faith that it will lead, one way or another, to an emotionally lighter, stronger, and freer me, so all is good.

It is hard to learn to have faith when you are forty years old and have led, in the religious sense, a completely and totally faithless life. A life in which you have had nothing but contempt for the idea of filling the gaps in one’s knowledge of the world with dreams called faith, and who has repeatedly said that he would rather believe that which is known and true than emotionally invest in the shifting sands of delusion and falsehood.

But as I grow older and the world seems colder, I realize that even a mind like mind is limited and finite, and the business of living sometimes requires going forth despite incomplete knowledge of what you are doing or how it all will end, and what solution is there for that but faith?

Maybe not religious faith (I don’t think I am capable of it) but some kind of faith that things will turn out okay eventually, and that it is good to be alive and experiencing the world.

Something has to fill those gaps if we are to be whole. We cannot waste our lives waiting for life to make the first move and just give us those things.

Something has to go in there until we get those other things. Maybe not the same things as our parents and their parents, but…. something.

And I call that something faith… and I am developing my capacity for it.

I will grow up even if it kills me.

Oh, and here’s today’s vid. It’s about something I really care about.

One hot mess coming up

That sounds grosser than I intended. Oh well.

I am still feeling this basic deep animal fear. It’s much deeper than my previous feelings of frustration, anger, and restlessness. This seems to be sitting right on my heart, making me freak out.

And yet, this is only part of me. About sixty percent of me is perfectly calm and normal. After all, it’s not like anything has actually changed in my life. If anything, I seem to be doing slightly better than usual lately. I have not had any major stressors, no big life changes, no awful news, not any of that.

But that other forty percent of me continues to feel something like utter terror. Just total fear. And I really don’t know why the heck that is.

I can only assume this is some phase of my recovery. That through the ever-growing process of coming out of the deep dark hole I have been hiding in, I have dislodged a large mass of suppressed fear and I now much process that fear before I can be free.

I have been trying, gently, to get in touch with this force inside me and ask it what it wants, what it needs, and what has it so scared.

So far, all I have gotten is how cold and lonely and frightened it is, and that’s not exactly news. But I continue to try to open the lines of communication.

I have just been suppressing it so far because I couldn’t figure out why it was there or what to do with it. So I just kept on doing as I do and putting this sense of panic on the shelf.

But today, I am ready to face it. Ignoring it certainly won’t make it go away, and it really seems like some deep part of me really has something it wants to say, so it behooves me to sit back and listen.

At some point, you realize that rejecting everything that does not make sense to you is a terrible way to run a railroad, and by railroad, I mean your own soul.

There are things that will never make sense. There are things that will only make sense after you embrace them. There are things that will only make sense many years later.

My recovery will require me, I think, to make peace with that which makes no sense, that which has to be simply accepted for whatever it is without trying to find a logical connection somewhere.

That way madness lies. You can drive yourself insane by trying to make sense of everything. The nature of my type of intellectual, and possibly all intellectuals, is to want to judge all input before we accept it. Things we do not accept do not make it very far into the brain before being turned away.

But that is putting a heck of a lot of faith in one’s bouncers, so to speak. Who knows how much that might have made you happier and more complete god turned away at the door because it didn’t make sense?

Also, a system like that tends to end up being very negative. Almost nobody and nothing gets in, and there you are in the VIP room wondering why you are so hungry and so bored.

It’s because your paranoid security system won’t let anything through. Not unless it already makes sense. And emotions rarely make sense, so you end up extremely alienated from your own emotional being.

And that is never, ever good. The lines of communication between your deep primal self and your more sophisticated adult self have to remain open because that is the only way to have any idea of what the hell is really going on in that dusty sub-basement where all the important machinery lives.

You can try to pretend that all that stuff is not important, but it’s your ass that will be freezing off when the furnace dies and nobody knows how to fix it.

So recovery is, as always, a process of integration. Integrating various parts of myself and making connections between my spirit, my soul, my heart, and my mind.

It is time for all waters to flow into one. That might lead to storms and blizzards in the short term as hot and cold come together, but it is the only way true calm can ever come to this crazy island I have lived on for so long.

Let there be the war to end all wars, if that’s what it takes. I am tired of this restless detente. I am sick of this endless “peace process” that seems to be far more process than peace.

It’s time for that Final Showdown. And no matter who wins… at least it will be over.

Oh right. Today’s video.

Another political speech from yours truly. I am the opposite of unbiased, but I happen to think I am a fascinating and compelling speaker with some really good ideas.

And everything I talk about is so darned interesting to me! What a coincidence.

A lot of what I say in that vid just occurred to me as I was making the vid. I started off simply from the “what is socialism, really?” point of view, just the seed of an idea really, and all the rest grew up organically as I made the video and talked to the camera.

And of course, I mean every word. By the strict American definition, every modern nation is a socialist state. including America, and it seems to have worked out fine so far.

That’s because, of course, liberalism works. Liberals are capable of grasping the complexities of nuances of a modern society and need no ideological shortcuts in order to chop the world down into a version tiny enough to fit in their grape seed sized brains.

Put conservative morons in charge and they loot the place for their rich buddies, make senseless cuts that actually undermine the very capitalism they claim to love, and wreck the joint.

We have to save the world before senile insensate sociopaths destroy it.

And it’s up to us clever folk to do it.