Sort of an interesting twist on this whole struggle to do more with my life but play video games : Today, I did spend all afternoon napping and playing Android games on my tablet… up to a point.

But around 3:30 pm, I decided, fuck that. I will at least get up and sit in front of the computer and get caught up on Facebook until 5 pm. That way I would at least have to remain upright and conscious for an hour and a half.

Not a big deal in most people’s lives, but for me it was an important step, and it made me feel less helpless and incompetent and more cable of being the version of me that I know I can be : fully activated, focused, and ready to take on the world.

But it will take a lot of pushing. That statue that fell on me is still crushing me. It will take a long sustained effort to push it off me. I’m still suffering from the damage it’s done.

Lucky for me, I am incredibly stubborn. Once I started thinking of my depression as separate from myself, something that just happened to have happened to me as opposed to something that was fundamentally wrong about me, that gave me space needed to start thinking of it as an opponent, and baby, I play to win.

It helps that I have been watching that Hulk show. It’s really helped me to dig deep and find that deep Taurus no-compromise total-determination tough son of a bitch that has always been there but got buried deep by various factors that all seem petty and irrelevant to me now.

Now, in my mind, I can stands on the mountaintop and scream into the night, “I am not weak! I am not a loser! I am not pathetic! I am not incompetent! I AM STRONG, and fuck everything that says different! ”

I feel like I am on what I will call Nietzsche’s Ladder. Nietzsche spoke extensively about how to become greater, a person must overcome themselves over and over. Each step, one has to climb up over a previous version of themselves, like rungs on a ladder.

Except the rungs are you… the you that existed before the current you.

So as I develop my internal strength, I have a mildly Hulk like persona I am developing. (Actually, it’s The Thing. Always loved The Thing. ) This is not someone I plan to be, just someone to be more like. A tough, rough, relentless, courageous, stout hearted and level headed juggernaut (small j) who bulldozes through the obstacles in his path and dares the world to fuck with him because he knows he can take it.

Kinda wish that guy had a brother, honestly.

And that’s just one side of my current development. Another facet is the Game Changing Queen. He/She is utterly self-confident, in full possession of all my charisma presence and charm, and what’s more, also uses my outside the box way of thinking to be completely, utterly, and breathtakingly original in everything we do. Thus, we change the game wherever we go and stand out from the crowd so much that we make our own social reality by just being ourselves.

Um…. not that I should be adopting the royal “we” or anything. Sanity…. must remember sanity.

Oh, and my hero for the Game Changing Queen? Totally Iggy Pop. A champion for all us weirdoes and our right to be exactly who we are and the world will have to just fucking deal with it.

Eventually, of course, these facets will meld into a single person that is moi version 2.something, and I will somehow become a form of super awesome I can’t even imagine yet.

And it will be so much fun to find out!

Oh, one another thing about this afternoon : the part where I was lazing, napping, and video gaming?

I enjoyed it. It wasn’t just something I do when I don’t know what to do with myself, which is most of the time. I chose it, I enjoyed it, and when I got sick of it, I stopped.

Good for me! That is far better than just bumping through life in a fog, never really choosing anything much.

So really, today has been good overall. Last night’s baking was peanut butter cookies, and they turned out slightly burned and rather dry, so I will go back to putting them in for 9 minutes even and not the 9:15 that I tried last night.

Maybe 9:05 if I am feeling cocky.

But whatever, baking is an adventure and sometimes things go wrong. Tonight I will probably make my tried (and tried and tried) and true Chocolate Oat Bombs in order to get my confidence back, unless I suddenly desire cake.

Haven’t done a cake-style cake in a while. Been doing loaf style ones. And those are good….. hmm.

So overall, doing okay today. I know that there will be many, many, many more rough patched ahead, but now that my deep and abiding stubbornness has been engaged, I know I will make it through.

I feel like parts of me are getting activated that have lain dormant for a long long time. The sort of things that should have happened when I was a teenager, honestly. Surges of ego and libido and the desire to explore. There is a very exciting feeling of tip toeing into a whole new world, one bigger and brighter and fuller and more joyous than the drab little cell I have been keeping myself in because I was scared of the world and thought I had no choice.

Well I do have a choice. I can choose to step out into the world in search of my niche, or at least a new place to hide.

And if that dark villain known as my depression rises to menace me again, I have but one thing to say :

It’s Clobberin’ Time!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.