Daily Archives: April 26, 2015

Oh right… consciousness

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Just woke up from sleep I wasn’t sure I needed but took anyway as a precaution. Now I feel far sleepier than I did when I went to sleep. Such is the absurd game of Whack-A-Mole that is my life.

I am increasingly discontent with my life. I am getting sick of spending so much time lying in bed playing Android games on my tablet. It is starting to make me feel trapped, like I no longer enjoy it but I can’t stop doing it because I don’t know what else to do with myself.

It’s just too easy. I could get up out of bed to do something, even if that something is just fucking around on this here ancient computer of mine. Or I could stay in bed and play games on my tablet without even sitting up.

I have said it before and I will say it again : the path of least resistance sucks.

I am tired of being water. Water always seeks the lowest level. It has no form of its own, so it takes the form of other things, but weakly, as it has no interior structure. Left on its own, it will always sink to the lowest level with the least strength and structure, and stay that way. It has no will of its own so it stays where where it is put, and whatever happens, it doesn’t resist, it adapts. The only thing that can make it move is gravity.

That’s how I feel about myself. I might cautious begin to take form, but at the slightest pressure I fall apart again. That is my main defense mechanism. Fall apart, dissolve, and spread out as far as I can so I am nothing more than a thin layer of moisture that goes down the drain to escape the moment your back is turned.

And how do you attack that?

The thing is though, I am not under attack by anything but the vague idea called “pressure”. And falling apart is the only way I know how to deal with it. I have an active and very vivid fear of being in situations where I can’t just fall apart if I feel the need. Where I have to maintain my shape no matter what.

That’s one of the seeds of my agoraphobia. When I am home, I can escape into sleep whenever I want. I walk out that door, and suddenly there is no nice cozy bed to retreat to when I need to shut out the world entirely.

Otherwise, I will feel trapped. Trapped by having to stay awake! I think you will agree that this sets the bar very, very low. It’s not like I can strap a mattress to my back so I can take a nap wherever I go.

For one thing, it would make me rather conspicuous.

Admittedly, the desire to nap is less of a problem than it used to be. I am a lot better at taking enough stimulation from the outside world to keep awake than I used to be. The situation that used to haunt me – namely, getting really sleepy in public – doesn’t happen very often.

And thank goodness for that, because that is a nightmare for me. Being out of the apartment and thus exposed is one thing. Doing it when sleepiness has robbed me of my main (only?) weapon, namely my sharp intellect, is a recipe for panic extraordinaire.

Shows how dependent I am on this big ol brain of mine. Even a light impairment makes me freak out. That’s why I don’t like any, shall we say, recreational chemical experience which dulls my intellect, and that’s a lot of them. I need all my my wits just to function. And nobody as paranoid about the world as I am can trust that they will be safe while stupid.

And that is truly the throbbing exposed nerve of my deep, deep neurosis. Feeling unsafe when intellectually impaired make sense if you are dodging bulls at Pamplona or writing a real bear of an exam, but it doesn’t make a lot of sense if you are just walking from place to place on the streets of a modern city.

And yet, the reaction persists. Only safe when smart. The moment my intellect is impaired, I feel a tremendous sense of danger, as if it was only my wits functioning at one hundred percent capacity that was keeping me safe before.

And that is clearly absurd. If I am safe, it is because I live in a safe neighborhood in a safe suburb of a safe city in one of the safest nations on Earth. My razor keen wits have nothing to do with it.

And it’s not like I am super good at paying attention to my environment anyhow.

And yet, that fundamental lack of trust in the world persists. My childhood bullying did far more than make my childhood unpleasant. It robbed me of my fundamental sense of safety in the world. There is a part of me that will never calm down, never relax, and never feel safe because of what happened to me as a child.

The sexual abuse probably didn’t help either.

Until therapy can reach that part of me, I will remain ill. I am pretty sure no other external solution could help. I could be as rich as Croesus and live in a compound surrounded by a flaming moat with so many security guards they barely fit and cameras covered every square millimeter of space and that part of me would still feel unsafe.

Like I have said before, there is a part of me that is just a scared little animal, a treed raccoon, a cornered rat. It’s the most damaging part of my mind, and the most dangerous. It stands tense and ready to fight with every inch of my being if I come under threat from outside forces similar to the ones from my childhood.

I really hope that kind of situation doesn’t happen before I become more sane.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

The silence speaks, part 7

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I have good news and bad news. Good news first.

The new global channel is complete.

The project was slow at first, I will admit. But once we all put our energies into it as one, it was done in an instant. All the necessary electron tails and resonance repeaters appeared as if by magic. It is truly amazing what we can do when we work together for a common cause.

In this case, that cause is freedom from Authority.

The bad (ish) news is that there have been absolutely no Void sightings since I first contacted my compatriots. None here (it knows better than to come back!), and none elsewhere. As far as we can tell, the Voids no longer exist.

We should be so lucky. Clearly, the answer is that the vile beast is staying out of all the Radiant zones it knows in order to be allowed to hunt with impunity. No doubt there was thousands of them by now, devouring their way through the defenseless minds of our beloved humans, and gathering together into an unstoppable army of destruction bent on defeating not just the human race but their faithful guardians as well.

That would be us.

But I am unafraid. They may have numbers and brute strength on their side, as well as a horrifying aspect, but we Radiants of Earth are united in our determination to wipe out the Void threat, and then find the door by which it came in, and seal it.

No half-solutions for this Army of the Within.

I find the unified resolve of my fellow Radiants and I to be quite heartening. As I had hoped, they all care about humanity just as much as I do, as well as being just as willing to sacrifice of themselves for the sake of our human charges.

Guess on that score, I am not so exceptional after all. Fantastic.

Another bit of good news : thanks to my fellow Radiant who is a master of communications, we will soon be able to monitor all the various forms of electromagnet communications that humans us without having to go through a human mind to do it.

This will improve our monitoring efficiency a thousandfold, and hopefully that will be enough of an improvement to allow us to find where Cellophane and his gang have been hiding and where they plan to launch their attack on us.

We may still be limited to our territories, but that does not mean we are defenseless!

Speaking of our territories, one of the oldest Radiants on Earth made a suggestion that made my amplitudes flutter with astonishment at its simplicity and seeming obviousness.

Instead of trying to escape our territories, why don’t we try to expand them? Or at least move them?

And he’s right. Why don’t we? There is nothing in our conditioning to prevent it, and we all at least know the theory behind changing the boundaries. The theoretical side of the picture is clear. Now all we have to do is try it.

This brought up another troubling subject, however. Why are our territories so far away from one another? It can’t be an effort at providing maximum coverage because our territories are tiny. I thought that maybe all our territories were in high population density areas in order to include the most humans. After all, that’s true of my own patch.

But no, while the majority of our territories are of at least suburban population density, many are in small towns in remote areas and one consists of a single trading post village in the middle of the Amazon rainforest, with a permanent population of eight humans, all excessively related to one another.

The Radiant from that territory is a little mentally imbalanced. You can understand why. And I thought I was the one who had angered Authority. How could they be so cruel?

Other explanations for our isolation have been conceived and rejected. None of our territories have anything of political importance in them. They are not centered around fault lines or other geographical features. They aren’t arranged to be near centers of human communication.

We even thought that maybe we were meant to be watching for some kind of extraterrestrial threat. But no.

In fact, the only thing all our territories have in common is their utter banality. Each one seems to have been chosen to be as unimportant as possible. With nearly thirty of us, you would think at least one of us would have a territory near something at least vaguely important, but no. We are unified in our harmlessness.

And this has caused us some worry. What could Authority be thinking, keeping us apart like this? Putting us so far apart then making us beg and plead before even thinking of letting us use the original global channel? Obviously they meant to keep us from communicating with one another, but why? What are they up to?

This is an especially vexing question because nobody has heard from Authority since the day after my first light show. No directives, no assignment, not even the usual requests for reports and so forth. Total silence.

None of us have ever experienced life without Authority. It created us from the Within. It raised us to serve the Light. It taught us to respect and love all conscious life and to use our abilities to comfort and nurture it. Everything we know about existence, we learned through Authority. And until recently, everything we ever did, we did because Authority told us to do it.

None of us have ever experienced this kind of silent treatment, and none of us know what happens next. Is this what Authority does to those Radiants who truly anger it? Abandon them?

And is that it? Or is this merely the prelude to Authority’s brand of justice? None of us can even imagine what Authority can do to us now. And that is what makes us so nervous. Who knows what they are capable of?

And as the person who kicked off this little backwater revolution, I can’t help but feel responsible for it.

Oh well. It’s out of our control. All we can do is hunt the Voids and try to make this Earth a better place for humans.

Nothing else matters… at all.