On The Road : I Made It edition

Yup. I made it.

I am sitting here at my favorite White Spot, waiting for my Chicken Caesar Wrap, and feeling good about being out and about.

Food is here. Yum.

I am a little worried about my health. I realized this morning that I have a vague burning sensation throughout my body. It isn’t very strong, but it is distinct and definitely new.

Sounds a lot like inflammation to me.

So maybe I have a long lasting inflammatory response to an excessively potent histamine reaction.

I definitely feel less healthy lately.

And antihistamines don’t seem to be helping. Perhaps the damage bis already done. The inflammatory response is fueling itself now.

I am probably overdue for a long hot bath with lots of scrubbing. Showers are great for day to day cleaning of scent zones, but if you need deeper cleansing, nothing beats a bath.

The problem is that baths are BORING. Showers are stimulating. Baths are not. So it is very hard to convince my stimulus junkie mind to fill the tub and relax.

I know that is probably a sign of something deeply wrong with my psyche, that I have trouble just relaxing passively. My own for of decadence, I suppose, this desperate need for high levels of mental stimulation. Arguably, I would be better off learning to slow down, relax, achieve inner stillness, and release all my tension and worry.

Christ that sounds boring.

My mind is like a shark, always moving, always hungry. Never fully satisfied. I suppose it comes from all that time spent being bored in class as a kid. It left me permanently hungry for something to do with this enormous brain of mine.

One of my thirsty dogs, I guess.

This hunger must be why I hated downtime when I worked for my uncle Sonny. I was happiest when the place was buzzing, because that meant I was assured that I would stay busy serving customers.

And o genuinely enjoyed serving customers. It was an inherently cheerful thing to me. It took a long period of sustained effort before I grew tired of it.

Well, the bill is paid. Time to go. See you when I get home!

(—)

Aaaand here I am, safe and sound. Well, as sound as usual, anyhow.

i really did enjoy customer service. I know that’s a weird thing to say in this era where “customer service” is considered synonymous with “indentured torture”, but it’s true. I liked doing it.

And I never had the sort of “customer from hell” that people talk about. I had people who were a little cranky or curt with me, and I had the occasional chronic complainer, but no abusive assholes determined to take their inner pain out on you.

Why is that? I, of course, have a few theories.

For starters, there is the nature of the town I grew up in, Summerside, Prince Edward Island. If Smallville is a sleepy little town, Summerside is a walking coma. Compared to the big cities, everything there happens at 25 percent speed.

It’s one of the things that people from Away (otherwise known as ‘the rest of the world that isn’t PEI’ remark upon, and even state as their reason for wanting to move there when they retire. Our “slower pace of life”.

You can imagine how poorly it suited me given my drive for mental stimulation. It is probably one of the causes, come to think of it. Everything was just TOO DAMNED SLOW!

But what it lacked in speed, it partially made up for in calmness. In a small town, the social fabric is tighter, and that means that one’s inherent sense of what is done and what is not done is stronger, and in Summerside, temper tantrums at service people is simply not done. It would be considered rude past the point of comprehension. My home town is not the kind of place where you raise your voice in public.

Plus, word of your bad behaviour would get around pretty fast. It would be a high magnitude social embarrassment. Even cranky people don’t want that kind of humiliation.

Then there’s the nature of my uncle’s business. It was originally my grandfather’s (my uncle’s dad’d) business. It had been around for thirsty years when I was born, and had been the only place in town where you could buy a TV, a stereo, or a radio for all that time. This made it a local institution, and therefore it has a degree of respectability to it.

I rented video games to kids whose grandparents had bought their first radio from my grandfather.

And there was another factor : me. This is the tricky one, because it is hard to describe the function of my own personality in the equation without making it sound like the people who HAVE had those “customer from hell” interactions were doing something wrong. And that pisses them off, obviously.

All I can say is that I am friendly and personable person, especially when I have a role to play (like cashier in my uncle’s business). And I really enjoy customer service. So whatever part of the equation personality plays in our interactions works out well for me. I am a pleasant and likable dude, and that brings out the best (or at least, the better) in people.

So maybe other people really are doing something wrong, but not in the usual sense of the word. They just didn’t get customer service skills as part of their basic emotional makeup.

Or for all I know, it was entirely about my town and the business I worked for. Anyone would have done as well as I did given those circumstances. I don’t know.

But it’s not so outrageous an idea that there are some areas of life that some people are better suited to than others.

Maybe you never did anything wrong, I just happened to do a lot of things right.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

Bad Day 2 : The Baddening

It’s like maddening, only badder.

Well, today sucked too. Slept most of the day, felt like absolute crap while awake, feeling both ill and depressed. I still feel tired. And I have a very strong urge to hide from reality.

I have gone back to seeing time as the enemy. I want to escape it. I want to fast-forward my life so I don’t have to put up with myself any more. No more time to fill. Just the stuff I like and that makes me feel at least a little alive, all the time.

That is probably behind the sleepiness, at least in part. It is hard to fight your body’s physical depression and stay awake when, not very deep down, you don’t want to.

So I am struggling to find my inner core of vitality that can reignite my pilot light and get me moving again.

Tomorrow is Wednesday, the day I hope to turn into my White Spot day. I am hoping to have the energy for it gathered by then. Or at least the will, which is better than energy. Energy comes and goes like weather. Will supersedes the need for energy and keeps you going even when energy deserts you.

So we will see. I technically have no other errands, and so this would be my first time going to White Spot just to go to White Spot instead of doing it on the way home (ish) from something else.

I want to go. But a little voice in my head keeps saying “Why waste the money when it is so much easier to stay in and be comfortable and relaxed?”

I hate that fucking voice. That’s the voice of everything that is wrong with me, the voice that undermines my attempts to get my rear in gear and do something with my life because doing nothing is so much easier.

After all, nothing bad can come from doing nothing, right? I’ll be warm, clothed, sheltered, calm, and I will have the whole Internet for entertainment. So why change anything?

It’s an evil voice. But sometimes, it’s hard not to listen. I guess that’s what keeps that voice alive.

I have a few theories (of course I have theories) as to why life sucks extra hard for me right now.

1. It’s the usual

This is just the usual ebb and flow of my health and moods. Sooner or later, I will catch up on sleep and I will no longer have the urge (or even the capacity) to sleep my life away. I just have to hang in there and wait for the bad weather to pass.

This theory is plausible, and may even be the most likely. Certainly, you fine upstanding readers of mine know I have been in this position many times before. I sleep a lot, I feel lousy, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me, I come up with theories, share them with you wonderful folk, and nothing really comes of it. I get better, I forget about it for the most part, and sooner or later, I am back in the same spot.

But this time feels different. Maybe it is just that I am more aware of it because I have lessened the paralytic fog of depression in me via therapy and whatnot (that reminds me, I’m out of whatnot). It could be that I am making a big thing out of nothing more than the ordinary in myself.

But maybe not.

2. It’s the season

Specifically, the pollen count. Last night I had an allergy attack that led to other symptoms exactly as my theory that my “hay fever” launches a body wide inflammatory response.

Stage 1 : Sneezing. I sneeze. Perfectly normal every day sneezes. Annoying but not painful. I sneeze around a dozen times.

Stage 2 : Headache. I get a sinus headache that starts minor but rapidly because very serious. My whole head feels like it is going to explode from the pressure and my sinuses throb with hot intense pain. And I know that is not the worst to come…

Stage 3 : Nausea. Suddenly it feels like everything in my digestive system has turned to concrete. This makes the contents back up into my stomach like a clogged storm drain and hence the nausea. Also, by now my head hurts enough that I am suffering pseudo-heat stroke and that makes me nauseous as well.

But my mother and I both have strong nausea resistance (dunno why) so I don’t throw up, but I do feel pretty damned miserable for an hour and change. And that is just the primary effect.

Who knows what else was going on in my body due to that strong histamine reaction? Maybe that is what has got me feeling all messed up today.

But then there’s…

3. Change in medication

Last Wednesday, when I went to the pharmacy, instead of my usual Januvia (which the gubmint don’t pay for no more), I was given a different drug called Trajenta.

I didn’t think much of it at the time (my default setting is “agreeable”), but when I got home, I looked it up. Turns out, the Wikipedia article is pretty damned sparse. It doesn’t even list contraindications!

So I unfolded the surprisingly huge instruction sheet that came with the boxes of Trajenta (blister packed, how annoying) to get the full story.

And one little factoid jumped out at me : Trajenta is not indicated for and has not been tested upon people using insulin.

Which is especially interesting because this is the med the pharmacist handed to me in the same bag as MY INSULIN. So he sure as hell can’t claim he didn’t know.

So I might have an errand tomorrow after all : dropping by the pharmacy and asking WTF?

Any or all (or none) of these theories may prove to be accurate. Or it might be something else entirely, something I don’t have a clue about because I lack the knowledge.

But I do know one thing.

Making theories makes me feel better.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.