It really is that simple. Simple enough for even a conservative to understand.

Take absolutely any issue, and you will find that the conservative position is always the stupider one. And by stupid, I mean better suited for stupid people. The position that requires the least thinking. The position that is based around being able to go from emotion to emotion by the shortest, directest, and least thoughtful route.

Take racism. It is no coincidence that while not all conservatives are racist, all racists are conservatives. Racism is a perfect example of the laughable and pathetic simplifications required in order for some supposed adults to function. The very idea that you can tell exactly what is inside people by looking at the label, and thus are absolved of any responsibility to deal with even a tiny bit of the complexity of the human race, reeks of the sort of dumbing down normally associated with educating the mentally handicapped in basic life skills.

All forms of intolerance take this form. Racism, sexism, homophobia, you name it, it’s all conservative and it is all an attempt to cut down the complexity of human reality into idiot friendly chunks. They give the conservative permission to cut reason and compassion out of the equation and simply go with base xenophobia.

Thing different! Thing scary! Thing BAD!

Or take their position on welfare. The concept that many people need welfare and that is actually benefits everyone in society to have a social safety net is too complicated for the conservative “mind”. What’s worse, it involves using that so-called “higher reasoning” and “morality” that they inherently mistrust and avoid. More than one category of people on welfare? Nope, nope. It’s easier and more fun to go with the option with more recreational hate value.

Because remember, conservatives are not just stupid. They’re cowards. They are the monkey that responds to being beaten by a bigger monkey by finding a smaller monkey to beat up. They are too cowardly for a fair fight, too timid to complain about mistreatment, and too downright pants-shittingly scared of anyone bigger than them to stand up for themselves against anyone of higher social status than that.

This creates a vast reservoir of anger within the conservative :brain” that they cannot direct at its actual source. So they instead direct it at not just a smaller monkey, but the smallest, weakest, and most vulnerable monkey in town. That is how cowardly and chickenshit they are. They are too scared of their own shadows to attack anyone who stands the slightest chance of being able to fight back. When you are that big of a pussy, you can only overcome that spasm of the sphincter feeling when you approach a target you are basically kicking a cripple.

And even then, you wait for your master’s voice to give you permission to hate. And of course, the masters are really into this whole kicking the cripple thing too because they know that their power comes from keeping people down.

And the funniest thing, the absolute funniest thing, the most thigh-slappingest, aisle-rollingest, pants-wettingest thing in the entire world to a rich and powerful person is how easy (and fun!) it is to get the dumber monkeys to turn their anger towards people who have done them no harm and are of no possible threat to them, instead of turning to bite the hand of the master that beats them, starves them, and tears their families apart.

Slaves that repress themselves. How convenient!

And this is true for all forms of conservatism in the world and throughout time. Whatever was the dogma of the people in charge was whimpered in chorus afterwards by the whipped dogs of conservatism. Anything that might lead to even the slightest chance of having to confront authority is unthinkable to them, and it doesn’t matter what the actual issue is. The conservatives are always the ones mouthing what the people in power want them to say, and hating people just because the powers that be point at that group of people and say “Sic’m, boy!”

So in a time of royalty, they are royalists. In a time of capitalism, they are capitalists. And in a time of slavery, they are um…. “states’ rights activists”.

Why? Because just echoing what you are told is easier for the stupid. Standing up to your oppressors takes courage and the ability to understand concepts like human rights and the common good. It requires being able to separate your identity from that of your master, and worst of all, it requires being able to understand high level kindergarten subjects like “sharing”.

That’s why there is no such thing as a conservative rebel. The only thing conservatives rebel against is change and the notion that the world is complicated, and those aren’t rebellions, they’re the exact opposite : reactions. If a conservative praises a rebel of the past, it’s only because decades or even centuries of history have rendered those rebels safe, and has no bearing whatsoever to do with a conservative’s willingness to support those rebels’ modern day equivalent.

Of course not! Why, the rebels of today are a bunch of hairy filthy liberals who hate you and your family and are motivated entirely by the desire to degrade and destroy everything that is good and holy and pure in this, the greatest country there has ever been or ever will be, so help me God.

Is any of that even remotely true? Of course not. But that doesn’t matter. It’s what fits inside the tiny pea brains of the conservative klatch, and to try to convince them of anything else is as futile as trying to train a toddler to be an air traffic controller, or trying to teach algebra to your dog.

That why there is such a high level of correlation between conservatism… and senility.

Our only hope is to somehow dumb down liberalism (aka reality) enough to compete. It goes against every liberal’s grain to do this, because to us, it seems like you’re talking to people like they’re idiots.

And you know what? It is.

That’s why it works.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.