It’s been a long and fruitful day. I am more tired than I normally am at this time of day, but I got stuff done.

First came therapy. Not a super productive session, to be honest. Did not delve into any of me deep waters, where my demons lurk. However, he did agree to print out that huge disability form for me on his home printer, so that’s rad. Next time I see him, we will fill it out, and I will send it in via the regular mail like we still live in caves.

So that will get done. I was telling him that odds are, I wouldn’t end up doing the disability thing. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t, but the one thing I did know was that putting pressure on myself to get it done wouldn’t work. For me, pressure only causes me to develop an aversion to whatever the pressure is aimed at, and thus achieves the exact opposite.

So I have to say to myself, maybe I will do it, maybe I won’t. Either is fine. That way, the door is left open for the real way to do things, desire, to come along and give me the motivation to actually do it.

I have to decide, consciously, that I want to do something (or want the result, anyhow), and I want the feeling of accomplishment of actually getting things done instead of caving like a bitch like usual, before I can get over the gumption speedbump and actually do the damned thing.

And sometimes, that takes what I can a “bridge”. Something to get me over the peak of the speedbump and on to the downhill slope of it where gravity can help me. Today, Doctor Costin, my therapist, gave me that bridge. The only other way I could have gotten the form printed would be to find the local equivalent of Kinko’s and sent the PDF to them to print, which would have cost me money and involved research, going into the unknown, and dealing with people I don’t know.

That’s like a hat trick of things I find challenging.

So Doctor Costin printing it out for me is sufficient to act as my “bridge” to doing the smart thing and filling out this ridiculous form in order to get disability money for my education.

I also mentioned that I thought that I needed to accept that sometimes, I am not going to do the smart thing. And that’s okay. Nobody is smart and sensible one hundred percent of the time. I am neither an angel nor a saint. I am going to fuck up from time to time, either because I just don’t have in me what doing the smart thing will cost me, or as just a minor act of rebellion against the tyranny of the superego.

It’s a tricky thing, this figuring out how to get through life without pressure. I feel like I am starting over from scratch. I am going to have to unlearn a lot of bad habits, and learn to do things in a more harmonious and groovy way.

After therapy, we made a brief stop at Coastal Sleep, my CPAP dealer. ^[1] Last time I went to see Marielle, she gave me the same blood oximeter that I’d had the time before, so we could get some fresh readings as to what my blood oxygen levels are like when I sleep with the CPAP on NOW.

She said she only needed a couple of nights, but I threw in a third, because it’s not much hassle and I figure, the more info the better. I am curious to know how things are doing too.

Then, it was over to Money Mart to cash this month’s check. Good news : there was no lineup. Bad news : I got this spinny fucking teller who had apparently never seen a check with a small rip in it before (happened when opening the envelope) and was all, “OMIGOD, what do I DO?” and had to wait to ask her manager about it, who of course was also dealing with customers who had come in after I did. Then that all happened again when she opened her drawer and only then realized that it was mostly empty and she needed a cash disbursement.

And of course, that meant waiting for the manager (a very cool black dude with a Rafiki from Lion King accent) again, and meanwhile, I am cooling my heels watching people who came in way after me get served.

So that was aggravating. But I can live with it. And after that, it was our usual stop at 7-11 so I can buy the Diet Coke and munchies to see me till my main shopping on Friday. I got my usual two cheddar smokies and an order of potato wedges to eat when I got home, too.

Then, Joe, Julian, and I watched a couple of episodes of Archer. And then I came in here to blog.

And you were here for the rest!

So all in all, a happily busy day, at least by my current standards. Not too long from now, I will be attending Kwantlen, and then my life will begin a whole new chapter.

And hopefully I will be able to put my sad days of depressive drifting and hiding from the world behind me, and go on into the future that was not destroyed but merely delayed by my depression.

I can’t wait for the opportunity to prove to the world just how crazy smart and talented I am, and bid an extremely unfond farewell to my days of self-loathing and self-negation.

I need this. I need the feeling of momentum and purpose in my life. I need to be someplace where my gifts can shine. I need to have something to grant structure to my life.

And what’s more important… I really really want it, too.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.