I am finally ready to say it : I’m a loner.

I’m not antisocial about it – maybe I should be, at least a little – but I am a loner. I am not interested in being part of a group. I need a fair bit of alone time or I started to get really stressed out. I’m not a joiner, a booster, or a team player, and I never will be.

I am through with thinking this is just a phase I am going through and that when I am more socially healthy, things will change.

Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But thinking that way has been highly counterproductive. It’s become yet another way I refuse to accept who I am and constantly try to force myself into a mold of my own devising in order to become what I think I should be. I have lived far too long denying the less socially acceptable parts of myself and pretending innocence and it’s time for me to stop.

Yeah, I know I’ve said that before. Fuck off. It’s a process.

I have been thinking a lot about that innocence thing lately. It’s almost like I am this innocent lamb in a plastic bubble, wandering around socially stupid and stumbling about like I was born yesterday, while my subconscious mind (and, sadly, my social support system) does all the dirty work for me. All so I can continue to blunder merrily through the world with my honesty and good intentions as my shield and my surprisingly sharp intellect as my sword.

But really, I am harmless. I will never hurt you. On purpose.

The thing is, I am nowhere near as stupid as I am innocent, and that’s a big problem, especially when you are doing your best, like a corgi trying to tow a boulder, to grow the hell up and become a part of the world however you can.

Earn money, live on my own, fall in love, settle down with some hot dude in our cozy home full of funky cool friends….. all the simple parts of life.

And part of that is learning who I really am, no matter how ugly that picture might be. And I am a loner. (See, I remembered the topic!). I don’t want to be part of your gang. I don’t want to sacrifice autonomy and identity in order to secure belonging.

If that’s the price of entry, than I will stay out in the cold and live as I have all my life, without belonging anywhere.

It’s where I belong anyway.

That doesn’t mean that this loner doesn’t long for a place where he belongs. Someplace where he feels accepted, wanted, valued, and possibly even needed. I have spent a long time metaphorically staring into the windows of the good and the pure, and wondering what it would be like to be part of their warm, whole, safe world.

But I’ve been far too long in the cold and desperate wilderness, and I have gone feral. Maybe more than feral. Anyone who wanted to truly take me in would have to be prepared to spend a long time calming and taming me, like the fox in the Little Prince, and not many people would think I was worth the trouble.

Easier to just put a bowl down in the back yard every once in a while, and forget about me.

Otherwise I am liable to bolt for the door, or attack. I have not had much safety in my life, even in all the years I was alone, and I am not sure I could handle it without freaking out. If I was among the right kind of people… good people, strong people, warm people… a lot of what I have left frozen within me would thaw, and come to life, and who knows what that might entail.

It’s not that I don’t love my friends. I do.

It’s just that sometimes I wonder if I would heal faster around people who did not share my psychological issues. They might be less understanding of my weaknesses and flaws, but maybe that would be good for me. Maybe I need a situation where I am the one who has to adapt would help me grow and heal. Maybe it’s time I moved on.

Or maybe not. WTF do I know?

I certainly feel the need for growth right now. I feel like I am ready for the next level. KPU was a necessary step but I am done with that now. I have to move on and find new challenges. I know what my priorities are now, and more academia of the typical kind is not high on the list.

So it’s VFS or burst. I got an email back from Patrick at VFS (he was my advisor when I applied before) and he seems quite happy that I took their advice and got more education (ten courses’ worth, bitches) and he says he is going to update my information and resubmit my application.

He also wanted to know when I would be available to chat on the phone. So I gave him my schedule. It’s a little complicated, but I am sure he can manage.

After all, he should know how crazy student life can be.

So, fingers crossed, I might be headed to VFS soon. That would make an excellent next step in my life. Shake off the dust of academic and dive, head first and heedless, into the entertainment world, and do my best to impress the fuck out of everyone there, and land myself a job somewhere where I can shine.

I am one hell of a writer, and I am itching for a chance to prove it before people who can actually advance my career. I want to write! I wrote two long-ish poems today and it felt great. I love to write… the problem is that I am not self-motivated. I need outside impetus to get me going.

Give me that, and I will shine like a million diamonds.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.