First, I really want to apologize for not writing a blog post last night. I just didn’t have the time. I had a lot of homework to do, and not enough time to do it. I know that me not doing one did not exactly wreck anyone’s evening, but I still feel bad about it because I treasure my readers – all three of you – and I feel like I really let you down.

What I really regret is not posting a brief blurb saying I would not be posting that night. I meant to do it, but I forgot. That’s kind of a theme in my life, as you will soon see.

Because the person to whom I owe the biggest apology is myself. I fucked up big time at school, not once but TWICE, and in the exact same stupid way each time, and it’s going to haunt me.

See, twice now, I have forgotten that when a version of the beat sheet for my Feature Development class is due, it’s not due on the day of class but rather two days beforehand. Both times, I inputted this fact into my calendar program, and each time I completely forgot and said “Due on Tuesday? That must be a mistake because class isn’t till Thursday! ” and changed it.

Yes, I really am that fucking stupid.

As a result, I have received a zero on each draft. That’s a very big deal because each one is worth 20 percent of my final mark, meaning the absolute best I can now do in the course is 60 percent.

Which obviously means I fail. I’m a good student, but not THAT good. Odds are, I will get below fifty percent, and that means FAILURE.

And all because of my accursed absentmindedness! It really is my bête noire. I try really hard to keep on top of things, but no matter what I do, I am always dropping the ball. I just can’t keep all these plates spinning, and yet, I don’t know another way of doing things. Perhaps it’s one of downsides of my particular kind of mind. Things come into and leave my mind easily, which is fab for creativity and creative problem solving, but lousy for keeping things in mind long enough to get them done.

Or who knows, maybe there is something genuinely wrong with me. I did suffer a serious head injury at a very early age. And lord knows, my sleep apnea can’t be helping. Maybe I truly am fucked up in the head in a more literal sense than usual.

I don’t know. I am sure there are a lot of potential causes. All I know is that I can’t seem to keep track of things. Even a calendar app doesn’t solve the problem completely. I still have to remember that the information is true even when it doesn’t seem to make sense.

This isn’t that complicated, for fuck’s sake. Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can’t get my shiznit together enough to pass a course I would ordinarily pass with flying colors. I am so sick of dealing with kind of thing. Taking on my own parental role has really opened my eyes about how frustrating it must be to deal with me sometimes.

To anyone, especially family, who has gotten extremely frustrated by my inability to remember shit, I offer my sincerest apology. I swear I am getting better. The more I acknowledge the problem and go through the process of dealing with the resulting failures, the better I become at working around it.

It’s being all avoidant about it that is the problem.

As far as I know, failing one course does not mean I get shitcanned from the whole program. According to Dionne, goddess of the VFS Writing program for she is the Person Who Actually Runs Things, as long as I maintain at least a 65 percent average, I will pass on to the next term.

And that should not be a problem…. I think. I honestly have no idea how I am doing in the program. I haven’t gotten any marks back on most of the things I’ve done. Maybe I was told where to find my marks and have just forgotten – given recent events, this is a real possibility. But AFAIK, they keep the marks a secret – assuming they exist in the first place.

Still, I have not gotten the impression that I am doing poorly, so I am going to assume I am pulling my usual 80-90 percent grade, and that means a 65 percent average, even given one lousy score, should not be a big problem for me.

I know damned well that I am very good at the actual writing. It’s the other stuff where I don’t quite cut the mustard.

So I am processing the whole thing. I have total faith that I will get over it – the fact that I am writing about it here assures me of that. Writers process emotions by writing, and things that seem really bad before I write about them often feel a lot better after I am done.

It’s like a functional neurosis. Functional in the sense that it accomplishes something. Neurosis in the sense that it accomplishes it in a bizarrely complicated and indirect way instead of a direct, healthy way… like processing emotions naturally.

It’s the neuroses that change the world, I think. You need to have a very demanding inner voice that, like an addiction, compels you to get more and more of the drug of choice in order to get the same effect, and the next day, you need more all over again.

That’s what drives people to the heights of excellence. It’s also what drives them to drink. Or even drives them right off the cliff into depression.

I’m sure there must be some very psychologically healthy high achievers out there. It seems statistically inevitable.

But most people have something in them that keeps them from reaching those heights… but also keeps them sane.

I don’t have one of those.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow. I PROMISE.