This major motion in my major emotions is continuing apace.

On one level, I am actually quite enjoying it, because whether the emotions are positive or negative, I feel more alive now than I have in years. Simply being able to feel things is a huge relief. Like I have said before, the human mind knows what is supposed to be going on and when a vital stimulus is missing, things get screwy.

And like with having a limb fall asleep, this lack of stimulus often expresses itself as a sense of coldness and lack, along with the panicky feeling of something being terribly wrong. And when you try to wake it back up, it really hurts and/or feels weird.

But I am solidly determined to live again. I have made contact with my primal will to survive, tapped into the rage I have been suppressing for so long, and found the bloody minded determination to never give up until I succeed.

And I don’t give a fuck how much it hurts. I don’t even care if it causes me to be suicidal now and then. It’s awful but I can survive it. I know not to listen to that evil voice whispering in my ear about how to escape from all the pain forever.

Seriously, fuck that guy.

What matters is that I blast out all the useless fucking garbage in my soul and purify myself with blood and fire until my light burns clear and bright through the night.

I don’t even care about how much more of this I have to take any more. I am learning how to no longer be bound by such seemingly logical constraints. The secret is to put your hopes not in blind endurance as you stagger toward some imagined goal and instead to put your faith in a method, or a way of life, or something similarly essentialist that lets you forget about whether you are “there yet” and instead concentrate on the here and now of keeping your engine maintained and fueled.

Sometimes, it’s not just okay to assume that as long as you are doing the right thing as you see it, everything will work out… it’s mandatory. I can see that very clearly now. It is just plain impossible to survive on thoughts and ideas and other cold circuit inputs alone. A naked, starving ego accomplishes nothing. You need a good solid robust connection with the id that exists beyond the reach of the ego’s lies and delusions.

Cold comfort doesn’t.

Accepting your id means accepting that you are an animal like any other and that there is nothing wrong with that. Instincts are your friends, not the enemy. Passion is to be embraced, not avoided. Acting on strong emotions is not the worst thing in the world.

We need to rid ourselves of all this British-derived “act calm so you won’t upset all the other people who are acting calm” bullshit.

And stop being afraid of being alive. Stop trying to always be “in control of yourself”. Express your id on a regular basis and you will find you are far less anxious and neurotic.

This extends even into the desire to always do the “smart” thing. Sometimes seemingly stupid actions serve a deep and abiding purpose. This is something that seemingly uncivilized people get and us ice cold intellectuals do not. Sure, they may act in ways that seem to contradict their own self-interest sometimes, but in return they maintain a very strong connection to their primal id that is the source of all life.

We are not human beings hampered by the lingering vestiges of our animal selves. We are goddamned monkeys with some extra hardware that allows us to pretend to be human beings for a while.

This is why I consider the long struggle away from the false morality that suppresses all our natural desires to be one of the most important struggles humanity faces, at least on a spiritual level. Every generation removes another layer of arbitrary superstition passing itself off as morality. It is a project towards which I am deeply devoted.

Because of the nature of modern society,  this mostly has to do with sex. Our libidos are powerful and strong – we are one of a very few species that has sex for pleasure at all times of the year with no regard to mating, fertility, or season.

As far as I know, there’s us, dolphins, pigs, and the bonobos. That’s it.

From that point of view, one can see that this powerful drive should be allowed to express itself as fully as possible in order to maintain the health of the species. Cats need to stalk things, dogs need to chase things, and human beings need to fuck.

And in all three cases, the animal suffers if this urge is blocked and the repression does great psychological harm as all that primal energy is left with nowhere to go and ends up either rushing though the tiniest of openings in your suppression dike at enormous and unstoppable power, or the whole system swells and floods, damaging everything inside you and causing you massive mental stress.

One would think, given this reality, that a smart species like ours would arrange its society in such a way that suppression is kept to an absolute minimum so that we do not suffer from its negative side effects  unduly.

But no. Time and time again, societies and their religions have approached sexual freedom but reacted against its power and the decadence that sometimes gets attached to it. After all, when people find the sexual release they need, the relief is so intense that it is like a religious experience, and people are likely to try to use this new joy to solve all of their problems. And that leads to decadence.

But if human sexual expression was allowed to flourish in its expression and all the pointless taboos were washed away in a wave of joyous freedom, it would be free to find its own level and the decadence would vanish as sexual expression became just another fact of life like eating or excreting.

In my ideal future, the rule would be simple :anything with consent, nothing without. No judgment, no shame, no suppression, no senseless taboos. There would be buildings dedicated to fucking all over the place. They would be as common as restaurants, and like restaurants, they would come in many different varieties to suit individual tastes.

“Hey, have you tried that new gay BDSM place on the corner of Birch and Palmer?”
“No, but I’ve heard good things about it. I just don’t get a lot of time to go places these days. I usually just pick up some sodomy roleplaying on the way home. ”
“Oh, I didn’t know you could get that via Drive-Scru…”

And the excesses of the child/sex barrier would be reduced. Children would, of course, still be protected from predatory adults, but we would stop pretending that it somehow hurts a child to see a nude person and nobody would be trying to stop them from exploring their own bodies and each other’s.

I really wonder what would be possible in such an enlightened era. With sexuality finally integrated into our daily lives like everything else, who knows how happy we could be?

And who knows what a sexually satisfied humanity could achieve?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow, homework permitting.