Remember how I said my writing about my so-far solo sex life would get a lot more explicit in the future?

Well this is Phase 1 of that. I am still going to be somewhat oblique but I will still be talking, in details, about my masturbation situation, so if that’s not your bag, spin on, dear one.

Hokay dokay. Now that we’ve taken care of the faint of heart, let me tell you about my problem. It’s a very common problem amongst men on antidepressants.

That doesn’t make it any less frustrating but it’s nice to know I am not alone.

Put plainly, we can’t orgasm. We can pleasure ourselves all we like, but we will never reach our destination. It will forever remain just out of reach.

It’s like one of those dreams where you are running down a hallway trying to escape a monster but somehow, no matter how fast you run, you never reach the door to freedom.

Except in this case, replace freedom with ejaculation.

And it is very frustrating. Women, I think, have it a little easier. Their sexual drives are less goal oriented. Sure, orgasms are amazeballs, but I don’t think they feel the same sort of physical buildup of tension and energy than men do as their passion – amongst other things – starts to rise.

For men, it’s like coiling up a spring, all building to that moment when our entire bodies focus into that blessed relief, and when that relied does not come (heh), we are just left with the goddamned tension.

And that’s what has been happening with me lately. In the midst of my sexual flowering, I can’t actually get off. Not on my own, at least. I have used every form of erotica that I know appeals to me and no matter how hot, sexy, and good it is, I don’t get there.

And this has health consequences, albeit usually quite minor ones. The syndrome colorfully known as “blue balls”^[1] is one of them,. The main symptom is a dull ache in the testicles and accompanying tenderness of the affected era.

Usually, this ranges from very mild to considerable discomfort and a possible need to change body postures frequently. I have found that occasionally it can get bad enough that it actually makes me a little nauseous, in a way is that is like the faintest shadow of the full body trauma we males experience when we get kicked in the balls.

I don’t know if there is a way to get across to women just how horrible it is to have one’s scrotum traumatized. It’s not like getting hit in any other body part. If someone drops a brick on my foot, the foot hurts and that’s it.

But a kick to the jollies hurts in your entire body and it is a pain like no other. The best way I have come (heh) up with to describe it is to point out that the testicles are actually, in all structural and functional ways, an internal organ,.

It just so happens that mammals have a scrotal sac in order to keep the testicles at a slightly lower temperature than the body in order to ensure maximum fertility.

It’s weird as heck when you really think about it. But nobody ever said being a male mammal was easy.

I picture a lizard and a bird looking at a naked man and saying “What the hell is THAT?”

Anyhow, back to my frustrations. I spent most of an hour this morning trying to climb that golden mountain but I never even got out of the foothills.

To me, it’s clear why antidepressants have this unpleasant side effect. It’s because they achieve their antidepressant effect by selectively numbing certain emotions and damping down the physiological responses that back depression and (especially) anxiety.

Basically, no part of me can get very aroused. Not my penis or my anxiety.

It’s a tradeoff worth making. I feel so much more energetic, alive, and human on this higher dose of Paxil and Wellbutrin. I have plenty of energy and zest for life, and I am really enjoying exploring  all my different angles on trying to get work.

Somewhere, someone out there needs me. And they have money!

For that big a reward, I will put up with being non-orgasmic for a while. I know that the effect will diminish over time and I will eventually go back to my normal schedule of being able to get where I want to go around once or twice a week.

That might not sound like much, but after years of this selfsame sexual side effect making life just as hard (heh) on me when I was first taking Paxil.

And yeah, it’s a huge bummer to find myself back in that state. I really wish there were some way to counter it. I am just starting to explore my long-suppressed sexuality. Now is a very bad time to be asleep between the legs.

Oh well,. Masturbation still feels good and it’s still a lot of fun. If I can relax and be less goal oriented about it, I can still have a good time. I just need to learn to be Zen in my approach to sex. Each experience is a fullness unto itself. We are all part of the rythmns of life. Our mistake is to think we are in the river. We are the river.

That said, if anyone or anything can get me my sexy side back, I would be so very, very grateful that I would do just about anything to repay them,

Hear that, Sex Gods? Throw a brother a bone here.

And preferably one that works.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,.