Believe it or bnot, I can actually back tghat pretentious title up.
I have been thinking a lot lately (well, since this morning) about how anxiety feeds on itself and when you are an old pro at freaking out over shockingly little,. it all happens so smoothly that it takes real effort to remember that this slide from okay mood to the everyday mortal terror of the afflicated used to take time and have steps.
And each of those steps was its own escalation, which in turn was made of smaller escalation,, and so forth down into the twisting void.
Now LIke I have said before in this space. I am the “dysthymic” type of depressive, as opposed to the “anxious” type of depressive. That means that I exist in a constant state of low mood that sometimes detiorates deeper depression but not usually as quickly as the more anxious types leap into the stratosphere of mega-anxiety. The dysthymic depressive is tortoise to the anxious depressive’s hare. Most of us sad ones switch modes at times,. The diagnosis has more to do with overall trend than a description of any particular moment in the individual depressive’s life.
Hmmm. I have wandered into theorizing, pontificating, and lecturing again, I suspect. Better safe than sorry, anyhow. I am trying to learn how to tell when I am going away from the stuff I need to talk about and into the stuff I like to talk about.
I feel hoiunded by anxiety and aversion lately. Like I can’t go a minute without dealing with this enormous storm system of latent anxiety just ready to arc a lightning bolt of pure panic into my heart when all I am doing is sitting there trying to play a video game (three guesses as to which one, and they’re all Skyrim) without my emotional seismograph needle drawing something that looks likie the signature of a very angry person who doesn’t actually know how to write.
Trust me, it’s a complicated image, but worth it once you get there.
Now this latent anxiety is not exactly a total mystery to me. I think I am entering a phase in my life where a lot of the things burdening my CPU have been either handled or eliminated entirely, thus releasing more of my bodily energy for my personal use.
One little problem/. I don’t use it.
The release mechanism is still rusted shut for the most part. I haven’t covered the emotional geography necessary to truly unlock my inner resources and use them,m and so all this energy is building up with no way to be released.
Masturbation is of limited help. For one thing, it doesn’t always “work” ( I don’y “get there” and end up more frustrated than before.
And even when it does work, it doesn’t release nearly as much tension and energy as you would thinbk. I
I mean, it’s quite lovely and all, but its cathrsis value is far less than I would like.
In fact, I am beginning to suspect that I am reached the point where solo efforts just won’t cut it any more, and what a massive barrel of horny fish THAT opens.
I could probably arrange an assignation or two. Being a big fat dude lowers the odds but it’s a big city out there and there are bound to be people out there who would jump at the chance to tap my big fat ass.
That’s what I have been craving. It’s like I’m in heat. In October.
I suppose it’s too late for a TMI warning.
So I could probably get me some lovin if I could get through the massive social anxiety minefields involved. I’m not used to letting people into my life.
Let alone my… favours.
And the nature of a hookup would help because I would have a “role”, of sorts. We would both know why we were there and there would be a minimum amount of time in the hellish void of social uncertainty.
In fact, with how I have been feeling lately, I would want to “get right to it”.
Is it weird how I can be so explicit and so cerebral at the same time? Whatever.
And this libido crescendo is, overall, a good sign. It means I am connecting with life on a bolder and more intimate away. Another layer has been removed from my emotional suppression apparatus and another form of normal human emotion has come online.
I will be a real little boy one of these days, by gum! (Mental note : Buy gum. )
I have honestly never experience a sexual appetite like this. I think I might be finally getting around to emotional puberty. I am pretty sure this is the sort of hot hormonal insanity that I have heard so much about from TV.
I never experienced that at the appropriate time. Sure, I was horny as a teen, but I never felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t get to fuck.
I kind of feel that way now. It’s…. interesting.
So who knows, this might be what finally drives me to put up that craigslist ad advertising my deep need for cock and seeing if anyone wants to provide some for me in the local area.
I might even consider a paid “escort”. What the hell, I got money. And the nature of the financial transaction sure would cut through a lot of small talk.
But the Scot in me would have trouble paying for something he might have been able to get for free.
So we’ll see.
Odds are nothing will come of or from this. Those fears of mine are still pretty tough. Inviting a stranger into my bed is a pretty big challenge.
But damn it, I want to start enjoying the unlimited sexual license that is my birthright as a homosexual man,. I want cock, damn it!
I’m just too ,much of a pussy to get it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.