The fractal black hole of anxiety

Believe it or bnot, I can actually back tghat pretentious title up.

I have been thinking a lot lately (well, since this morning) about how anxiety feeds on itself and when you are an old pro at freaking out over shockingly little,. it all happens so smoothly that it takes real effort to remember that this slide from okay mood to the everyday mortal terror of the afflicated used to take time and have steps.

And each of those steps was its own escalation, which in turn was made of smaller escalation,, and so forth down into the twisting void.

Now LIke I have said before in this space. I am the “dysthymic” type of depressive, as opposed to the “anxious” type of depressive. That means that I exist in a constant state of low mood that sometimes detiorates deeper depression but not usually as quickly as the more anxious types leap into the stratosphere of mega-anxiety. The dysthymic depressive is tortoise to the anxious depressive’s hare. Most of us sad ones switch modes at times,. The diagnosis has more to do with overall trend than a description of any particular moment in the individual depressive’s life.

Hmmm. I have wandered into theorizing, pontificating, and lecturing again, I suspect. Better safe than sorry, anyhow. I am trying to learn how to tell when I am going away from the stuff I need to talk about and into the stuff I like to talk about.

I feel hoiunded by anxiety and aversion lately. Like I can’t go a minute without dealing with this enormous storm system of latent anxiety just ready to arc a lightning bolt of pure panic into my heart when all I am doing is sitting there trying to play a video game (three guesses as to which one, and they’re all Skyrim) without my emotional seismograph needle drawing something that looks likie the signature of a very angry person who doesn’t actually know how to write.

Trust me, it’s a complicated image, but worth it once you get there.

Now this latent anxiety is not exactly a total mystery to me. I think I am entering a phase in my life where a lot of the things burdening my CPU have been either handled or eliminated entirely, thus releasing more of my bodily energy for my personal use.

One little problem/. I don’t use it.

The release mechanism is still rusted shut for the most part. I haven’t covered the emotional geography necessary to truly unlock my inner resources and use them,m and so all this energy is building up with no way to be released.

Masturbation is of limited help. For one thing, it doesn’t always “work” ( I don’y “get there” and end up more frustrated than before.

And even when it does work, it doesn’t release nearly as much tension and energy as you would thinbk. I

I mean, it’s quite lovely and all, but its cathrsis value is far less than I would like.

In fact, I am beginning to suspect that I am reached the point where solo efforts just won’t cut it any more, and what a massive barrel of horny fish THAT opens.

I could probably arrange an assignation or two. Being a big fat dude lowers the odds but it’s a big city out there and there are bound to be people out there who would jump at the chance to tap my big fat ass.

That’s what I have been craving. It’s like I’m in heat. In October.

I suppose it’s too late for a TMI warning.

So I could probably get me some lovin if I could get through the massive social anxiety minefields involved. I’m not used to letting people into my life.

Let alone my… favours.

And the nature of a hookup would help because I would have a “role”, of sorts. We would both know why we were there and there would be a minimum amount of time in the hellish void of social uncertainty.

In fact, with how I have been feeling lately, I would want to “get right to it”.

Is it weird how I can be so explicit and so cerebral at the same time? Whatever.

And this libido crescendo is, overall, a good sign. It means I am connecting with life on a bolder and more intimate away. Another layer has been removed from my emotional suppression apparatus and another form of normal human emotion has come online.

I will be a real little boy one of these days, by gum! (Mental note : Buy gum. )

I have honestly never experience a sexual appetite like this. I think I might be finally getting around to emotional puberty. I am pretty sure this is the sort of hot hormonal insanity that I have heard so much about from TV.

I never experienced that at the appropriate time. Sure, I was horny as a teen, but I never felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t get to fuck.

I kind of feel that way now. It’s…. interesting.

So who knows, this might be what finally drives me to put up that craigslist ad advertising my deep need for cock and seeing if anyone wants to provide some for me in the local area.

I might even consider a paid “escort”. What the hell, I got money. And the nature of the financial transaction sure would cut through a lot of small talk.

But the Scot in me would have trouble paying for something he might have been able to get for free.

So we’ll see.

Odds are nothing will come of or from this. Those fears of mine are still pretty tough. Inviting a stranger into my bed is a pretty big challenge.

But damn it, I want to start enjoying the unlimited sexual license that is my birthright as a homosexual man,. I want cock, damn it!

I’m just too ,much of a pussy to get it.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.




Let it f…. aw, forget it.

I was going to do a second attempt at typing the worlds in as fast as my mind creates them as an experiment today, but I don;t have the energy.

Mental note : should probably do this kind of thing AFTER I have eaten.

Feeling sort of oblong and out of season today. I’ve poked somje life into my Skyrim playing by downloading a few key thing, but the game is still in a death spiral in my estimation, and when it crashes, I am going to need a new game.

Otherwise, I will be in serious danger of producing productive labour. Ha ha ha.

Seriously though, I have enjoyed this vacation from having to figure out what to do with my comious free time. SPending nearly all of said time playing a video gqame might not strikle the casual observer as a healthy response, but everything else involves having to get out there and deal with the world, and I am not inclined.

But seriously folks.

My gig doing Uno scripts is going the way of Skyrim too. I find myself more and more reluctant to do the work and I am finding it harder and harder to get through that painful initial phase where the initial news story has to be carved into pieces that can be turned into jokes. I keep getting the urge to go wildly off topic and write an ep that is just random and weird and goofy.

Or do the quivalent of a film school project with one ep. Moody lighting, overlapping dialogue, dramatic lighting of just people’s eyes. Could be fun.

Or if I really want to burn all my bridge from now till the end of time plus five minutes, write something so incredibly and vividly pornographic it would makle Ralph Bakshi blush and cause Larry Flynt to become a passionate advocate of comprehensive censorship for everything everywhere.

And you know I could do it. I’m a dynamically perverted man with mad verbal skills and a strong desire to give the masses something they can’t handle while also creating a haven for all us pervs where they can ask for and get what they really want, without judgment or shame but with love in all its wonderful forms.

That turned out fancy.

And I would, of course, love writing it. And not just in the “what is the sound of one hand typing” kind of way. To me, the sexual liberation for the human race is a spiritual mission. I honestly believe that an unashamed and horny world would have far less war, hate, ugliness, and evil.

I imagine a world where sex is open and free. Seeing people fucking in public would be as common and as frowned upon as making out ihn public is to us today.

In other words, it would be something that you shpouldn’t do and people would tsk and maybe even complain, but it would not be that big a deal and most people would choose to simply ignore it.

Obviously, then, this would be a world where sex is no mystery to kids. It’s a fact of life like needing to eat or wanting a hug or being happy to see a loved one. It would be seen as a “soft neeed”, in that you do not literally need sex in order to survive like with oxygen or water.

But A real need nonetheless.

It would also be a bisexual-ish world. Most people would have a preference but would be open to sex with both genders, at least in theory .There would be no need for this ridiculous idea that you have to “choose”.

Bullshit you do! Love who makes you happy. Fuck what makes you horny. The only rule is consent. Other than that… have at it!

I’m not idealistic enough to claim that this kind of revolution would lead to a utopia filled with nothing but love and peace and stain resistant public seating. There’s no such place as Utopia, not because hope is for fools and life sucks but because humanity is restless, curious, and bold, and will always find the next problem to solve.

Back to my post-revolution happpy humpy funland. There would bhe places you can go for specific kinds of sex just like there are pla ces you can go for different kinds of food in the world we live in now. It would not even be thought of as prostitution, and a lot of the time, it wouldn’t be, because there’s nothing to keep the customers with shared interests hooking up with one another.

The business model would. presumably, be entry fee or membership based.

Just like gay bath houses, come to think of it. If they had those for straight people (somehow), there would be no more war.

Anothjer aspect to this wondrous fucktastic future of mine is that there would be a mostly unspoken backbground attitude of “try to say yes”. Not if the sex act someone proposes is repugnant to you or in any way will leave you worse off after.

Just a general sensze that the world is a better place when we all help each other out, and that means that polite people would try to accomodate others. Sort of like being a good Samaritan, but with sex parts.

“Exuse me, but may I suck on your penis until you ejaculate in my mouth?”
“Hmnmmm…. bust won’t get here for ten minutes, so…. sure.”:

I know this fucktastic future of mine would absolutely horrify most people . Simply letting kids see sex happen would be enough to make people want to club me to death. I am, to put it mildly, way ahead of my time.

But I honestly believe that this is the future we are headed towards in the far far future. Every generation peels back another layer of bullshit shame and completely unnecessary sexual weirdness, and eventually. we will have gotten rid of all of it and a whole lot of problems will have just kind of… taken care of themselves when everyone is finally sexually satisfied.

I won’t live long enough to see it.

But I can see the seeds of it in today’s young people.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.