At least, I assume so. I usually do.

Still developing this new path of radical individuality and artistic purity. It feels good, and it feels right. But I am also scared.

This was to be expected. It’s a much braver path than any I have taken before. And I don’t know where it will lead. It might lead to disaster.

But at least it would be my disaster. I would finally be living my life instead of hiding from it I’ve reached the point in my life where I would rather die trying than live merely surviving until I reach my meaningless end.

I’ve realized that I have been living my life curled up in ball with my eyes squeezed shut and my hands over my ears to shut out the world. More importantly, I have, by doing so, endorsed all the harm and deprivation that would come to me as a result.

The rule, as it were, is that it doesn’t matter what happens to me (or more importantly, utterly fails to happen to me) as long as I don’t have to break my fetal-position self-hypnosis that makes all the bad things go away… in my mind, that is.

In reality, they’re running the joint.

Once more, I find myself telling myself that it’s okay to do something purely because you can do it and you want to do it. That the world is not boobytrapped, nor is it malign, and there are no bullies waiting for an opportunity to make you suffer any more.

And even if there were, I would freaking devastate them if they tried anything. I am not the scared wimpy little fat kid I was back in the Very Very Bad Old Days. I have iron in my soul, raw molten steel in my heart. and a mind full of lightning and spiders. ^[1]

And it would not take much for me to unleash fifty different layers of hell on someone for daring to fuck with me.

A certain person who teaches standup to people with mental health issues learned that the hard way.

I feel kind of bad about that now. But he failed me. And my best friend.

So I tore him apart with my mind. So to speak.

Anyhow, the point is that I have no reason to be afraid. I am more than capable of protecting myself. If anything, I should worry on behalf of others.

But my deep timidity has very little to do with reason and everything to do with having been brutally violated when I was barely out of diapers.

That leaves a mark.

But fuck all that. I am going to make working hard on being myself my full time job. I’m going to pump out the voltage 24/7 and deal with the result.

It could be great. It’s not like the real me is a raging arsehole. Back before the trauma, I was a very charming, personable, and lovable kid. If I can go back to that state, I would be doing fine.

Sure, a lot of people would find me to be somewhat obnoxious. But fuck’m. The cool people will get me. Some people can handle a megawatt personality, some can’t.

And I have been practicing for this shit for decades now by being Fruvous. He’s basically an idealized version of myself and when I am RPing him, I am not at all shy and I am not ashamed to be my outrageous and amazing self. As Fruvous I’m flamboyant, adorable, hilarious, and most importantly, loved.

People love Fruvous because he’s so vibrant and funny and sweet and cute. I have every reason to believe that the same thing would happen in real life if I gave it a chance. I have seen how people light up on those rare occasions when I am feeling up enough to let the heavy wattage flow.

I hqave the power of charisma. I can make people feel good just by paying attention to them. What’s more, I am a sensitive dude who is a good listener and who has enough flexibility of ego to be perfectly happy praising others when I feel it is due.

And they will believe my praise because I am also a very sincere and honest dude who truly cares about others. It makes me happy to make others happy, and I sincerely want to help people find a way out of their own personal hells.

After all, I have spent a looooong time in one of my own.

So my mission now is to go out in the world and be powerfully myself. To hell with caution, hesitancy, timidity, and self-doubt.

There is great wisdom in learning by running into the walls instead of simply assuming the walls are there and hiding from them in a prison of your own making.

I’m through with apologizing for being alive. Like it or not, world, I am here, and you are going to have to deal with me.  And the real me, not the shy critter who does his level best to act like he thinks people want him to act. namely that he does not exist.

I’m sorry, Mom, Dad, Anne, Catherine, and Dave, but I am here now, wanted or not, and I am going to fight as hard as I can to be treated as equal to the other kids and not some unwanted afterthought whom you would prefer to pretend never existed.

And that’s true for the goddamned school system too. I’m going to insist on my right to exist there as well. I don’t give a shit whether you know how to deal with a kid like me. You’re going to have to learn real fast.

But that shouldn’ be a problem for you. After all, you’re educators, right?

I am here, IU have a right to be here, I have the same right to exist as myself as everyone else, and I am through living according to the convenience of others.

This little light of mine is going to be let shine like a million stars.

And if people don’t like it, they can put on some fucking sunglasses.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

One day in Generic Fantasy Setting, the mighty heroes of A Number Of Characters Banded Together To Defeat Evil came upon a touching scene.

The mightiest and noblest hero of them all. Nerd Back Home, was giving a rousing and inspirational speech to a Grebling, a small creature known mostly for it timidity.

“… so you see, Little One, there is nothing you can’t do if you set your mind to it, work hard, and never., EVER, give up on your dreams. ”

“Aww… ” said Self Insertion Character, the wizard. “See how noble of spirit he is? He shares his wisdom with even the lowliest Grebling. ”

“You’re right, as always, ” said Thinly Disguised Chick the Author Has The Hots For. “And your esoteric knowledge and academic excellence really turns me on. ”

“Duh,. ” said Hot Chick’s Dumb Jock Boyfriend. “I I suck my thumb after putting it up my bum because I’m so dumb. ”

Everybody laughed uproariously at the Jock’s blatant stupidity and viewed him with nothing but pity and contempt. Mostly contempt.

“Quiet, everyone!” said Authors Bicuriousity Elf. “I want to hear the rest of what that GORGEOUS man is saying. ”

“So take heart, Little Grebling. Some day you WILL lick the horizon. ”

“Say what now? ” said SIC, and watched as Nerd Back Home patted the Grebling on its tiny slimy shoulder, then strode off, fulfilled and inspired by the exchange.

“That’s…. not possible, is it? ” said the Hot Chick, looking to SIC with a wide-eyed, trusting look that spoke of her total faith in SIC’s intelligence and wisdom’s ability to make the world make sense again for her,

“No, it’s not. ” said SIC in a strong male voice that was clearly the product of his getting LOTS of puberty. “The horizon is not a physical object, and therefore cannot be licked. ”

“Me try now! ” said the Dumb Jock. He immediately began hopping and licking at the air with great intensity and enthusiasm.

“Wow. ” said the Hot Chick. ” Once more, he has proven how worthless all that muscle and height and handsomeness is in the real world, and how therefore anyone who found him even slightly sexually attractive is undoubtedly a mentally feeble primitive ruled by their glandular secretions and not logic and reason like YOU. ”

“That’s something that should be obvious to everyone. ” said SIC. “Oh god, now the Grebling is doing it. ”

The Grebling was, indeed, hopping and slurping just like the Dumb Jock, for Greblings, like Jocks, are a species know for their stupidity.

“Shouldn’t we, I don’t know. Stop them, or something?” said the maddeningly pretty and ladylike Bicuriousity Elf. “It’s sad to see them trying to do something that’s impossible. ”

“But they seem so happy!” said the Hot Chick in a voice overflowing with the strongly femine virtue of compassion. “Why ruin their fun?”.

SIC stroked his long thick very masculine beard thoughtfully, knowing his very wise and grownupo wisdom and judgement could resolve this conflict.

“I agree with you, Hot Chick. We should leave these poor fools to wallow in their own empty headed joys while we grown up adult people go do important, adult things. ”

Everyone, even the Dumb Jock and the Grebling, nodded in deference to SIC’s clearly superior wisdsom and maturity.

“After all,” said SIC, “there’s more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe. ”

Everyone laughed at this clearly completely original and brilliant joke, then the Quantity of Heroes strode off into the sunset, and went on to do many exciting and important things, some of which even involved their bathing suit parts in some way.

(——————————————————————————————————————)

Well that was a heck of a lot of fun to write. My original gag – the lick the horizon thing – kind of got lost in the forest of my comedic indulgences, but whatever.

As I was writing it, I realized that I have been a rather timid writer, in a sense. Practically a Grebling. Because as I wrote, I found myself thinking of this kind of writing as something I am surprised that I can “get away” with.

Like I was doing something shocking and embarrassing by stuffing my prose with so much of the sort of writing I enjoy and thereby putting so much of me into it.

As if writing like that is somehow equivalent to parading around naked screaming “look at me! LOOK AT ME DAMMIT. ”

Mental note : new Halloween costume idea.

But why shouldn’t I write like that? What do I have to be ashamed of? I think I have been limiting myself by what the audience will “get”. I have such a strong desire to communicate and connect with people that I subconsciously installed a governor to keep me from being TOO weird.

But fuck it. I’m going to draw with all my goddamned crayons from now on, and if the world can’t handle it, it can go fuck itself.

I will make better art being true to myself and writing what I enjoy writing than I ever will being a timid populist anyway.

I choose the artist’s path over the entertainer’s path. That means I am prioritizing my artistic enjoyment and integrity over my very strong desire to make the audience happy, whatever it takes.

So, from this point on, I am a writer in a garret working on powerful and unique art that could rewrite the rulebook if it ever caught on, but probably won’t be appreciated in my lifetime unless I somehow get an agent who is very, very patient and persistent.

Or even better, a patron.

I will never lose my desire to entertain and get the love I seek via laughter and applause, but I am going to pursue that goal through artistic purity and the full expression of my authorial voice rather than trying to learn how to get through to people, like I have been doing.

Screw that. I’m a unqiue individual, with my own idiosyncratic way of doing things. If I achieve success, it will be by being boldly and defiantly myself and thus creating original, vibrant, living art o such power and heft that it defines its own reality as it creates it, then fill said reality with amazement and magic.

And if people don’t get it, they don’t deserve it. The sharp people with get it, and that’s enough for me.

I’m going to have fun, god dammit.  If the product of that fun appeals to others, that’s great and all.

But no matter what, I will have had a good time writing it.

And that’s the bottom line.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.