Feeling overwhelmed from within today.
It’s aversion and aversions that does it. One thing overwhelms me when I trry to think about it and the possibilities rise like a swarm of wasps, so I back away and try to think of the next thing, but its possibilities multiply like fractal micro-organisms and so I get the fuck out of dodge on that, and so for and so on till I am close to having a nervous breakdown over what is, objectively speaking, absolutely nothing.
It’s all in my head. But then again, aren’t we all?
Had to beg off doing Paragon tonight because I have been suffering through some IBS badness all day.
It started about ten minutes after I ate lunch and seemed to come out of nowhere – one second I was fine and the next I had that awful feeling like there is a heavy foot pushing down on the contents of my lower intestines.
Like my guts are a trashcan and someone is pressing the contents of it down in order to make room for more trash.
There must be a more elegant way to say that but after ten minutes trying to come up with it, I am officially moving on.
I am having enough problems staying focused on my blogging without getting hung up searching for les mots juste.
Where was I. Oh right. To sum up : I am sick.
Add that to the fact that my usual Thursday therapy session got canceled and it’s no wonder I am in a grumpy mood.
One good thing happened today : I picked up my new glasses. Yay! Only two weeks (to the day) after the appointment.
It would have been a LOT sooner but I kept forgetting to return my optometrists’ phone call. And when I finally remembered. it was last Friday, which was Good Friday, and so they were closed.
By the way, am I the only one who things calling the day Christ was crufified a Good Friday is a little messed up? I mean, I don’t want to go down the whole “is Judas in Heaven or Hell” rabbit hole, but I am pretty sure that it wasn’t a good Friday for Jesus.
Probably his worst, to be honest. Worse even than that time Paul (once called Saul) brought his new girlfriend and everything was really awkward because she didn’t know their references and wasn’t part of the scene and then, even though she insisted everyone just ignore her and go on like usual. not ten minutes later she freaked out and screamed something about how everyone was “ignoring” her and stormed out.
That was pretty bad. But it was peanuts compared to the Crucificion.
And why is there no Good Thurday to celebrate the Last Supper? It could be a day of families gathering for a nice meal together.
And of course, like I say every year. Easter Monday celebrates the day that the Apostles rolled back the stone again and looked in the cave, and said “Ayup! He’s still not in there. ”
And then they prayed for Christ’s risen soul and for all the sins of the world that had now been washed clean in the Blood of Chris, but mostly for a long weekend, because Sundays are always a holiday and without Easter Monday, people would feel ripped off.
And this was also the day that Jesus appeared once more to Mary, and said “Oh, by the way, never wage war in my name. never try to convert people by force. never persecute non-Christians, and never, under any circumstances, celebrate the day of my death, because it was the worst day of my life and I would rather forget all about it. ”
Then Jesus gazed upon Mary, and said “Are you writing all this down?”.
“No. ” said Mary. “but don’t worry. I’ll remember to do it later. ”
Anyhow. New glasses. And they are definitely way better than the old ones.I can feel the lack of eyestrain and it’s marvelous. The world is in HD to me now and it’s great.
It will take time for my eyes to get used to the new prescription, of course. SO there is this sort of weird feeling in my eyes. Like very faint pressure on the outside walls of each eye. But that’s par for the course.
It’s not like this is the first time I have had my prescription updated. It’s needed updating every three or four years for my entire life.
One weird thing though : I was told to never use any glass cleaning products OR paper products to clean the lenses.
WTF? Apparently, it strips the coating right off.
I didn’t get any special coatings (gubmint don’t pay for those) but I suppose it’s a case of better safe than sorry.
And then… sigh.
And then we (Joe and I) headed home, but we didn’t get far before I patted down all the pockets in my jacket and declared that I had somehow lost everything they had just handed me – the cleaning solution, the case with my old glasses in it, the little blue chamois I am supposed to use to clean my glasses,. everything.
So, panic in the Joemobile, and we have to turn around and go back to the optometrist’ office so I could look for the stuff.
I don’t find it anywhere along the path between the parking lot and the office, and I was just about to turn around and admit defeat when I checked my pockets one last time, and lo and behold,. the stuff was in my left PANTS pocket the whole time.
This is how my life works. This shit happens to me all the fucking time. I try my hardest to prevent it but it happens anyway.
And note how the humliations ganged up on me : first I was humiliated that I had lost the stuff, then I was humilated by that meaning Joe had to drive me back to the optometrist, then the coup the grace, the humiliation of realizing that the whole exercise was not necessary in the first place.
And gods, am I sick of it. And there’s no way to avoid it. The best I could hope to do would be to become a blithe idiot who doesn’t take personal responsibility for anything unless he absolutely has to and who leaves a trail of wreckage behind him.
That’s not going to happen.
And I can’t even lie about it. I told Joe that I had “found” my glasses accoutrements and even that tiny white lie makes me feel ill. I can’t stand the feeling of speaking untruths and I hate anything that comes between me and those I care about.
And a lie does just that.
Plus, I hate keeping two versions of reality in my head.
So I am going to have to tell him. It’s the only thing that will make me feel better.
And so there I go, living a life of cringing apology with no way out.
It’s no way to live, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I guess I was born to suffer. And to never have dignity.
No wonder I long to escape having to be myself.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.